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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dread this party....

166 replies

George2014 · 07/01/2016 22:49

Ds5 had a party invite a week ago that I've been mithering over. The bottom line is, I just don't want to go!

It's a swimming party but then party and food after - sort of combo in a leisure centre thing for a few hours. Any non confidant swimmers must have an parent in the pool with them.

This pool is usually freezing at the best of times and it's the beginning of feb. Most 5 yr olds aren't confidant enough to be left alone on water so there will be a lot of hanging about in the water freezing cold with other suitably shrivelled up parents.

I don't want to get my swimmers on in this setting nor do I want to see other playground colleagues in theirs. I'm pasty, wobbly and had surgery last year :-(

Then we have to get out (I'm a dignified fashion), get changed and be ready to party - I normally look such a mess after swimming and need make up and straighteners to get sorted but it'll be a quick 5-10 mins then into party bit so I'll have to stand there, damp, looking like an utter mess for another 1-2 hrs while monitoring food / party stuff.

Ds is in a role in the school where he feels really uncomfortable taking ds - bit like over stepping the familiarity boundary/a little inappropriate for him to attend lol!

Please tell me it won't be bad and swimming parties are great.....I really don't want to go!

OP posts:

hollowlegs · 08/01/2016 21:42

Sad to see so little support for women who aren't comfortable in getting undressed and in the water in front of strangers.

It could be confidence issues (due to medical reasons for all we know) it could be fear of water - lots of people are fearful in water, it could be social, could be sensory.

Could be any number of reasons.
People aren't avoiding these parties because they're 'shallow and don't want to get their hair wet'
It's obvious they're desperate to get out of it and ''I don't want to get my hair/makeup wet'' it's just an excuse they use. Who can blame them.

HollyAndIvyTime · 08/01/2016 22:44

I am quite genuinely sad that so many people think swimming parties are so awful. Swimming is fab. It's great for keeping fit, it's a super way to spend time as a family, it's easy and kids love it. I am definitely not judging anyone getting in the pool - I love watching kids having fun with their parents and think it's great if parents want to join in! I don't like the comment about sending dads instead - what does that say? Mums are too precious to go swimming but for dads it's ok? It's the opposite in our house as I'm far more likely to take the kids swimming than dh. I know loads of mums who love taking their kids swimming but maybe they are not also MNers!

Bunbaker · 08/01/2016 23:09

I would be very surprised if this party isn't in the learner pool. At 4 and 5 most children can't swim, and it can't be very safe having them in the big pool.

jollyfrenchy · 08/01/2016 23:52

Am also amazed at how many people hate taking their kids swimming, I take mine quite often and usually see other parents I know there. I have no recollection whatsoever of thinking anything about how they look in a swimming costume, so I hope they are the same about me.

Also 'swimming parties' are nothing to do with swimming they are to do with playing in the water, and a party for this age would undoubtedly be in the learner pool, probably with a load of big floats and toys in the water.

I've always discouraged my kids from having a swimming party only because it doesn't feel like a party, it feels like going for a swim and then eating tea. We went to one, when DD1 was about 5 and after she'd had her tea she was disappointed to be told that was the end, she'd expected an actual party eg games and dancing and stuff and hadn't realised the swimming was instead of that not as well.

jollyfrenchy · 08/01/2016 23:57

Also I know people are different but personally I find it funny when people complain about not having time to do their hair/make up. I hardly ever wear make-up, only for a really posh night out/wedding etc, and then only mascara/eye shadow/lippy. I really don't see how anyone can be bothered doing it all the time. Ditto hair, I have never yet dried my hair post-swim. Since other mums are used to seeing me without makeup and with my hair tied up, or drying naturally loose I guess they wouldn't be shocked at seeing me post-swim. But I do realise a lot of people wouldn't go out without doing their hair/make up. I just find it weird. Maybe people think I look a fright, but I'm pretty sure they don't.

TheSecondViola · 09/01/2016 00:05

I think a lot of you aren't listening at all. Not liking swimming parties doesn't mean we don't take our children swimming. Not wanting to get almost naked with people we have to make small talk with at school doesn't make us unutterably vain.
I swim with my kids, on my own terms. I'm not a vain person who needs full war paint to open the door. But I don't want to stand in knee deep water with aquaintances, I don't want them to see my scars and have people wonder and possibly gossip about what they are, I don't want to sit in the post party looking a mess without having time to look how I choose. Thats my choice. Please don't feel sorry for me, I don't lack confidence. I just choose not to do it.
And of others who commented do lack confidence, leave them alone as well. Fuck off calling us precious, or pathetic, or whatever. So we choose not to do something we don't enjoy or want to do. What possible business could it be of yours?

landrover · 09/01/2016 00:20

I think that your husband should step up to the mark and take him. Not appropriate ? Really? What a load of nonsense! They are 5 year olds FGS (or is it the mums he is frightened of, geez!!!!)

landrover · 09/01/2016 00:23

I would be telling (yes, telling!!!) your DH to step up. (It is usual for the dads if poss to do swim parties). Cant believe that he is being such a wuzz. There will be far worse parties I am sure that he will have to endure. Being a teacher is not some get out clause!!!

Cococo1 · 09/01/2016 00:29

I'm loving this thread - especially secondviola's posts! I loathe everything about swimming pools - the smell, the cold, the changing rooms and wet floors, taking my clothes off, putting my face in the water, being crap at swimming, getting changed afterwards. No way am I doing all that for a kid's birthday even if other posters think swimming is 'super'. Not for me it isn't!

Mmmmcake123 · 09/01/2016 00:35

Agree with you viola.

Land rover, I would normally say dad needs to step up but tbh in this situation I think it would be a bit mean. I'd respect his decision, even though the excuse seems trite, purely because the only thing worse than a kids pool party imo would be a work do at the pool. Parents are his work (associates/customers if you know what I mean).

Original poster

George2014 · 09/01/2016 07:20

Exactly ^^ I won't force him to go to save myself. He's in a very senior role in the school and it just makes him feel uncomfortable. He's quite private, never EVER seen without a full suit in a professional manner in the workplace. I respect his decision. I feel uncomfortable and I don't work with these people! Dh hates all parties because he's with all these people during the week and it pains him to spend his weekends too!

OP posts:

Narp · 09/01/2016 07:54

I would think a bit more negatively about a parent who arranged this sort of hard-work -for-other-parents party.

Narp · 09/01/2016 07:55

P.S. I like swimming and am not especially self-conscious, but being forced to do it. ...

Narp · 09/01/2016 07:57

'Otherwise I am basically standing about trying to make conversation with school parents in my underpants. This is the stuff of nightmares, not a normal saturday afternoon'

That made me laugh HowBad

KnockMeDown · 09/01/2016 08:15

My DD is 5, and loves going swimming, and I enjoy taking her. We spend ages in the pool, and then ages in the shower. And this would be my problem with a swimming party - trying to get her out before she's ready, getting changed quickly, not having time to shower or do my hair properly. But I guess I would do it if she wanted to go.

Armi · 09/01/2016 08:26

I wouldn't go. But then, the majority of women in our playground are a gaggle of ultra-sneery, mega-groomed, slender 'lovelies'. It's bad enough having to run their unfriendly gauntlet at drop-off/pick-up twice a week (and at parties were I can be properly turned out) without having to stand around being fat and practically naked in front of them.

tobysmum77 · 09/01/2016 08:37

I don't like taking the dc swimming but that's because it's cold, the changing rooms are minging and the pool is approx 10% piss. It has nothing to do with what I look like in a swimming costume.

tobysmum77 · 09/01/2016 08:38

But dh seems to love it, so everyone's happy.

mamadoc · 09/01/2016 09:00

Last time DD was invited to one it was amusing how many DC were accompanied by their dads when usually it was the mums I'd see at parties. I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to a chat with my mates and got their DH's instead.

I have to say I don't get the angst. I don't really like swimming (pay for DC to have lessons so I don't have to take them) and I am no more body confident than the next woman eg I have never, ever had the confidence to wear a bikini on holiday but I really didn't see the pool party as such an issue. DD wanted to go so I took her.

In the pool you are mostly under the water anyhow. I did find out that one of the dads has a lot of interesting tattoos! There's a matter of seconds of exposure getting out if you keep your towel poolside. Changing in front of other women is a fairly normal part of life and again with a towel there's no need for untoward minge exposure.

I never wear make up on a day to day basis, I wouldn't know what to do with hair straighteners you'd be lucky if I blow dry it rather than stick the heater on in the car. I think it's sad that women feel so much pressure to do all this stuff to look 'acceptable' whereas men don't need to. Increasingly as I get older I just think 'fuck that'. Take me as you find me, talk to me, get to know me. If you judge me in my less than perfect skin and cellulite you aren't worth knowing.

I'm sure people will say it's an over reaction but I find this thread sad and I worry what example it sets our daughters if only dads can go to swimming parties because their mums are too ashamed of being judged on their bodies and their looks.

TenTinyTadpoles · 09/01/2016 10:07

It's a daft party for that age (we waited until they were 8) but he really wants go so just give it a try, it won't be that bad - you don't have to swim so your hair and make up should be fine.

AngryMo · 09/01/2016 10:13

Hear, hear Mamadoc. I wrote a similar thing but absolutely no one agreed with me! Very sad indeed, I sympathise if people are self conscious of their bodies, but this is about taking your kid to a party, and it's sad to have hang ups about our bodies, which really shouldn't come into it.

Cococo1 · 09/01/2016 10:13

Have to say that my dds know I hate swimming and they both still love it. I took them (occasionally) when they were little and their dad took them often as did their grandparents. I've paid for swimming lessons for several years and now they go off with their mates to the pool for an afternoon.

It's not really 'sad' that I don't take them or that the OP's kid might miss one party. previous generations of parents expected their kids to fit in with their interests - whether that was country walks or sailing or whatever. Now the prevailing view seems to be that parents should spend their whole time facilitating whatever their kids want to do. There's got to be a happy medium.

megletthesecond · 09/01/2016 10:14

Yanbu. Swimming parties are a stupid idea. DS went to one in a chaotic lagoon pool when he was 8. He could swim but not to that depth so I went along too. Turned out some if his friends couldn't manage the waves and depth either so I kept an eye on all of them. The party parents went to have coffee .

AlpacaLypse · 09/01/2016 10:17

And this is one of the reasons so few teachers choose their own school for their own children!

MazzleDazzle · 09/01/2016 10:24

YANB at all U!

My DD,7, got invited to this sort of party just before Christmas (dark and wet outside and the pool was freezing!) and I was gutted.

It was the pool's policy that all kids had to be accompanied in the water by an adult. My DH was unavailable, I'm pregnant and have another younger child. It was a giant pain in the ass!

The whole party pissed off more people than it pleased. Even my water loving DD didn't enjoy it. Worst party idea ever. Fine for when they are a bit older and are permitted in unaccompanied, but not before then.

I feel your pain! However, like you OP, I wouldn't have wanted my kid missing out. You are allowed to be a wee bit resentful though!

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