Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH being over friendly

155 replies

Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:06

Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:10

your H does "playfighting" with a girl you met at work ?

in your house ?

in plain sight ?

his jealousy of you is pure projection, mate

if my H did "playfighting" with anyone I would consider he must have had a lobotomy in his lunch hour and then kick him the fuck out

why the hell are you standing by and watching him make a complete mug of you ?

Coconutty · 07/01/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/01/2016 21:13

^ just asking the same as AF.

Horsemad · 07/01/2016 21:13

Grin I can't imagine anybody putting up with that sort of behaviour.

Not at all.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/01/2016 21:13

Don't believe she wouldn't cheat with your 'nice' guy - anyone in a complicated relationship with a dick head has crappy boundaries and could easily

Your dh is a dick.

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:15

I honestly don't know. I'm far from naive and I know I can never say I trust him 100% ever again. He does admit his jealousy is unreasonable but says he can't help it (obviously I must look like a fucking supermodel Grinalthough I see very different in the mirror)
I suppose I don't actually think there is anything going on but given the past if he said to me 'you don't think I would sleep with *#%%# do you?' Then the answer would be 'if she offered then I'd be a dickhead to convince myself you'd say no wouldn't i'

OP posts:
maddening · 07/01/2016 21:15

Tell your Dh to cut it out - he ibu

BlackRose0 · 07/01/2016 21:19

He does 'play fighting?' Confused
I consider myself to be pretty laid back, but I certainly wouldn't tolerate that!! What is the reason for them sitting in the kitchen, and you in another room? Have you spoken to him about this? Tbh, it doesn't sound like he has changed.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:19

no, he doesn't think that you are a supermodel that no man can resist

his mind only comprehends his own behaviour...he is projecting his own thought processes

men cheat, therefore they will cheat with you ie. he is the cheat

please do not think his possessiveness reflects well on you, that is a common misconception. Being flattered by some sexual incontinent's jealousy when it is actually a fucking insult is a fool's game

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:20

If it wasn't for my DC then I would have divorced him the first time. He's very good at reverse psychology though so I am gonna think very carefully about what I say and how firm im going to be. His past gives reason for distrust but I'm not gonna be that woman who is suspicious of ALL women because of one OW Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:20

when they are "playfighting" groping each other right in front of your eyes what do you do ?

make yourself scarce so they can get inside the underwear ?

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:22

you don't have to be suspicious of any women...you need to be suspicious of him

you didn't learn that lesson ?

that sounds you think he was blameless and it was the other OW's fault he shagged her

did she lead him on ?

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:24

I haven't asked anything about it yet to be fair. I've had massive family
Issues over Christmas - mind has been totally elsewhere and trying to keep my emotions in check in front of my DC. I haven't discussed it with anyone else because I don't want them to become a raging lynch mob ( not yet anyway lol) so I suppose that's why I posted on here. I'm really taken aback about his behaviour because he knows full well I wouldn't forgive again. I've told him more than once I'd be taking my kids and fucking off back to my family, and he'd have one hell of a bitch on his hands after everything I've been through for him (a lot)
If my friend thought I was thinking like this my initial instinct would be that she'd probably be scared of a good hiding. But I've only known her six months

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 07/01/2016 21:25

Been there, got the t-shirt.

Your instincts are probably exactly the same as last time ("something ain't right here") and I'll stick my neck out here and say that if he's not cheated on you yet, the stage is set for it to happen. Like last time.

This feeling of "dèja vu" is exactly that - you've seen it all before so it's likely the outcome will be the same.

You need to tell him how you feel pronto. And fuck his double standards; as a pp said there's a lot of projection from guys prone to infidelity - namely their going off the deep end if their wife/gf so much as smiles at another bloke.

YANBU. In fact I'd go as far as to say get a plan together as to what you'll do if he cheats again. You can call him out on his behaviour, but you can't guarantee he'll take heed.

Sorry OP and Flowers

X

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:26

Anyfucker I'm asking for genuine
Advice not nasty comments. If I blamed the 'OW' this thread would be about my friend wouldn't it not my DH. What I'm saying is that I don't want to be blowing my top at an innocent woman who genuinely is just being friendly

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 07/01/2016 21:26

Ps: ditch your "friend" as she's as thick/disrespectful about appropriate boundaries as your "D"H.

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:28

He knows what I'd do - throw his arse out and his stuff behind him. And within a week my mum would have a movers truck here for me and the DC and storage for my shit. I'd be staying at hers until I found a house. I'm just psyching myself up I suppose cos I know what's coming

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:28

the only nasty person described on this thread is your H

why would your friend be "scared of a good hiding" ? Confused

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:29

2manysweets I'm not really surprised about my friend because she is only young and only had one serious relationship with a guy who is a complete childish dick head. She is quite immature really so I don't think she has any idea about the boundaries - I don't know her well enough to have disclosed all of our past to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:30

Because she asked me once what I'd do to a friend who slept with my DH (her dickhead did it to her) and that was my response Blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:31

I asked a genuine question

When your husband is groping your friend/they are groping each other, what do you actually do ? As in, do you put a rictus smile on and pretend it's ok ? Laugh along as they wrestle like toddlers on the rug ? Go and make a brew ? Look out of the window/inspect your nails ? What ?

I just cannot imagine the scenario.

Floggingmolly · 07/01/2016 21:31

Why do you keep inviting her round and then sitting in a different room for 2 hours at a time?

timelytess · 07/01/2016 21:31

The only time I have ever indulged in 'play-fighting' as an adult is... well, you wouldn't do that with someone else's partner. Blush

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:32

You don't think that might have been a loaded question ?

It's not normal for an acquaintance of 6 months to be scoping out what your reaction would be to her sleeping with your H

yorkshapudding · 07/01/2016 21:32

Even IF there's nothing going on (and I'm sorry to say that there's nothing in your OP that fills me with confidence), he is being hugely insensitive and inappropriate to behave this way. The fact that he thinks it's acceptable to "play fight" with your female friend in front of you, after what he has put you through with his previous affair, betrays a worrying lack of empathy. Even if he's not cheating, I don't think I could be with someone who showed such a callous disregard for my feelings and a lack of ability to learn from their previous mistakes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread