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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH being over friendly

155 replies

Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:06

Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.

OP posts:
VocationalGoat · 07/01/2016 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 07/01/2016 21:57

Chatting for 2 hours? Alone?

So, they're having a sympathy date in your kitchen.

Play fighting?

Flirting, 'playing' together, physically.

Jealous?

Jealous men are not worried about you, they assume you behave like they do.

OP this isn't really going in the right direction. Please call time on your friend and DH, they are building up to shagging each other.

PaulDirac · 07/01/2016 21:57

I can't tell if you're being serious or not as you seem to think it's a bit funny that your husband is flirting with another woman in your home, in front of you. If you want him to "dig his own grave for certain" that sounds like you want him to cheat. Is that because you want an excuse to end it? Or has he really eroded your sense of judgement to the point you don't trust what you see in front of you?

VocationalGoat · 07/01/2016 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton · 07/01/2016 21:58

you should have got rid of him first time round - never stay together for the dc. And by taking him back you are now giving permission to cheat again tbh. Why do you need more reason to get rid? You don't even like him and he clearly has no respect or kindness for you. This latest shenanigans is irrelevan quite frankly.

TempusEedjit · 07/01/2016 21:59

You said in your opening post "play fighting, etc" - what's the etc?

wheresthebeach · 07/01/2016 22:00

Must be awful for your kids as well...teenagers aren't stupid. Seeing your Dad behave like your friends behave is no fun.

Newyearnewme2016 · 07/01/2016 22:03

You've only known her for six months and she's coming into your home play fighting with your husband in a separate room. I would tell her where to go and she would never visit again. As for him, he's taking you for a mug and I would get rid of him too tbh.

OohMavis · 07/01/2016 22:06

He will be boning her by the end of the year.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/01/2016 22:09

When you say nothing happens as your 15 year old stays up does this mean you go to bed and leave the two them Inn the kitchen. Your dh is so out of order but so is your so called friend. Who sits talking to their friends partner for hours. Surely she comes over to see you. I would not have her in the house. She has no respect for you. Please wake up. It's like you feel there is nothing you can do.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 22:14

This girl who comes over constantly and details all her relationship troubles, poor thing! I feel soon sorry for her!, flirts with your husband and play fights and goes off into another room with him for hours and then plays innocent with you as if she doesn't know what she and your husband are doing is inappropriate--OP, you are being had, it's so blatant, take your blinders off.

Ok. Some day (or not) you will realize that there are men in this world who are trustworthy and decent and handsome and you can choose to be with one of them who will be a faithful husband and true father to your children instead of this scum you're with.

Quornmakesmefart · 07/01/2016 22:14

Everybody has pretty much said what I wanted to say - so all I can add is that I'm trying to imagine a situation where my friend (or any woman, actually) is sitting in another room chatting to DH for hours on end, and play fighting, whilst I'm sitting alone like a lemon. It just sounds nuts, like the kind of weird dreams I have after eating too much cheese.

But you don't seem that hurt by it, which is something at least. I'm assuming it's because you know what he's like from his previous and no longer have any love or respect for him. IMO your relationship is dead in the water. And your friend is not a friend.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 22:16

That girl should never be allowed to step over your threshold again. (Neither should your toad husband.)

Have you no sense, OP?

Ohfourfoxache · 07/01/2016 22:17

Emma you might want to think about getting this thread moved to relationships. It's pretty conclusive that Yanbu.

Please please get yourself prepared. You know what's coming. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row.

Theodopolus · 07/01/2016 22:22

He is not just play fighting with her.

FWIW - I asked DP what he would do if his friend was playfighting with me.

His response was - he wouldn't be my friend anymore. He wouldn't be alive anymore. (slight exaggeration possibly on his part..............).

Theodopolus · 07/01/2016 22:23

Suffices to say, there would not be 'play' fighting going on.

WelliesTheyAreWonderful · 07/01/2016 22:25

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds horrible. I also agree with others that you only playfight with people you fancy. I think he thinks it's permitted because it's not a secret from you - he's doing it right in front of you to 'prove' (fake) 'the innocence' of it all. I think you need to start thinking about making plans to split, getting a solicitor etc. When you choose to confront him about it be prepared for him to try to make you out as being completely unreasonable, mad, obsessive etc, but just remember everything the pp have said to you - YANBU.

I would also advise against letting him 'dig his own grave'. I can understand why you want to do this, so there's no black and white and he can't accuse you of being unreasonable, but I don't think it's a good idea to let it get that far. My Dad had an affair when I was little, my parents got back together and he did it again years later. I was initially told they just drifted apart but soon found out it was because he'd had another affair. It hurt so much that he cared so little for our family that he didn't learn the first time around and now our relationship is purely polite, for the sake of my DC. So please don't let him do it, as it could have consequences for your DC.

Sallystyle · 07/01/2016 22:34

I know people have some problems with boundaries but why on earth would you sit in the lounge why he talks to her in the kitchen for two hours and play fights? They are taking the piss out of you for being gullible enough to sit in another room while they have their flirtation or maybe more right under your nose.

They both need to go. She is no friend of yours and he is no husband (in the true sense of the word)

You are certainly being had. I'm sorry OP that he is being such a prick, what are you going to do now?

Sallystyle · 07/01/2016 22:35

while* not why.

RivieraKid · 07/01/2016 23:15

The only time playfighting isn't sexual is when small children are doing it, and that usually ends in tears as well. You are being taken for a proper mug, OP, you know he has form for this kind of behaviour and now it's playing out again in your own home while you sit quietly in the lounge like a good girl.

Please, for your own sanity and self-esteem, stop letting him get away with it.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 07/01/2016 23:19

Fling him out. Seriously.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2016 23:31

Emmalouise2babies, I am very sorry this sounds awful. It seems very clear that if something is not going on already it will most probably be, before long.

What you choose to do about this is really up to you.

The area I am most worried about is what your kids may end up witnessing while you wait for your less than 'd'h to dig his own grave.

I am also very worried that your comments include quiet violent images of what you will do to either or both of them (your dh and this woman) if you discover your suspicions are true.

If you hit your husband or this woman you could land up with an assault charge, you may also find yourself facing them both denying anything and making out you are as being aggressive and saying they are not having an affair, and of course they may not be doing so yet.

In additional to this any aggression on your part may lead to unexpected consequences, such as aggression from either of them, and may be witnessed by any child in the house too.

Lastly, this other woman has a boyfriend who you describe as a 'total bastard'. If your husband does begin an affair with this woman then this total bastard may come to your home and make trouble. You may feel your husband deserves this but do your kids deserve to see this.

Although I do feel very sorry for your situation I also feel sorry for this younger woman, in a crappy relationship, who is perhaps looking for solace and an exit from her bad relationship and may see your husband as that chance. I am not excusing what she is doing but I also wonder if she really knows what she is doing and the risk she is placing on your marriage and perhaps most of all, if her partner is jealous and violent, on herself!

Whether you should leave him or seek counselling or try and salvage your marriage is totally up to you but please do remember that although you may be the main 'injured party' there are several other people who may be affected if this inappropriate situation continues.

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out OK whatever you decide to do. Take back the control and do not allow this to continue, please.

amarmai · 07/01/2016 23:31

when you take a cheater back, s/he knows that the standard re what you will accept has been set lower.

amarmai · 07/01/2016 23:32

she is not your 'friend'

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 23:50

It's done. Didn't even get angry. Told him I'm nobody's fucking mug and will be moving back to my family within the month (as soon as I can without massively disrupting my DC)
I didn't think I could be so calm about it really Shock

OP posts: