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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH being over friendly

155 replies

Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:06

Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.

OP posts:
TamaraLamara · 08/01/2016 01:15

Flowers OP. A brave, but necessary move

GarlicCake · 08/01/2016 01:42

Blimey, well done Emmalouise Crown

Don't fall for the bullshit you're going to get some time soonish. When you wrote He's very good at reverse psychology, I thought "He's a manipulative twat and she can't see through him." I'd bet you anything he's useless at reverse psychology Grin You'll be able to see him for the toerag he is when your head's cleared.

I think I see now why your posts have been quite violent - suppressed anger? I'd be bloody angry if I'd sacrificed myself so far as to forgive cheating and been thanked with a load of suspicion followed by a repeat performance!

Is he sleeping on the sofa? Or how about the shed??

kali110 · 08/01/2016 02:14

I agree with others about not trusting your dh, sorry.
If he hadn't cheated before then possibly he could have the benefit of doubt but not now.
I don't know about the friend though. I wouldn't say for definete 'she's testing the waters'.
My friends and i have had that conversation before as i have been cheated on in the past and they def weren't sleeping with my dh Grin
I don't always think playfighting means something is going on, it depends what relationship you have with the person/people.
At my old workplace work colleagues could often give each other friendly punches, Or pokes to get people to laugh whilst serving, but nobody was having any kind of relationship with each other, so i don't think play fighting always equals flirting or groping.
However we were a close bunch.
She may be an innocent party, but your dh may have had other ideas.
I think you deserve better op im glad you've told him.
Think it's pretty telling that he hasn't even put up a fight. X

Friendlystories · 08/01/2016 05:00

Why do you feel you have to wait for him to 'dig his own grave'? In your shoes I would get my affairs no pun intended in order and then simply tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. My pride would not allow him to get as far as the inevitable conclusion to the situation with your 'friend', nor would it allow him to think that my hand had been forced by his inability to keep it in his trousers. I would want to walk away with him believing I simply didn't love him anymore and could see a better future for myself without him, for a self centred arsehole like him that thought would be unbearable. Oh, and your 'friend' would be treated to my icy indifference, neither of them would be gifted the satisfaction of thinking I gave a shiny shit about what they do with each other or anyone else, my life would be or at least appear far too full and fabulous for them to be of any concern to me. People can only treat us the way we allow them to OP, time to start showing yourself the respect both your husband and your 'friend' fail to.

Friendlystories · 08/01/2016 05:04

Whoops, that'll teach my to rtft, had only ploughed through the first 3 pages and was too angry on your behalf to read anymore. Good for you OP, life will inevitably be better without him, hope all goes smoothly and you're free of him soon Flowers

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/01/2016 05:59

As everyone else says...massive red flags here! Make sure all your ducks are lined up, then kick him (metaphorically!.} IME these blokes never change they just con decent women into thinking that they are sorry.... They are only often sorry that they've been discovered...

You're worth so much more than this!

RedMapleLeaf · 08/01/2016 06:26

As everyone else says...massive red flags here! Make sure all your ducks are lined up, then kick him (metaphorically!.}

Why would you post that?

goddessofsmallthings · 08/01/2016 06:29

I'm filled with admiration for the efficient manner in which you've solved your problem and hope that your move is conducted in a similarly speedy fashion, OP.

May I suggest that you ask MN to move this thread to the Relationshps board where you'll receive practical advice and sympathetic handholding during the weeks ahead?

Mangoonmyshoulder · 08/01/2016 06:38

My boyfriend and I playfight, it ends in one of two ways, sex or me crying because I've stubbed my toe on the radiator!

Flowers for OP

HelpfulChap · 08/01/2016 06:41

If I was playfighting with another woman in front of my wife my life wouldn't be worth living.

DyslexicScientist · 08/01/2016 06:51

You've given him the green card once, hell do it again.

I do hate the anti men rhetoric on here, women cheat as well!

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 06:57

but then said nothing he can do can convince me because obviously my mind is made up.

Those are the words of a man 1) who simply doesn't give a shit and/or 2) caught bang to rights

You have done the right thing, Emma. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that again x

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 06:59

I do hate the anti men rhetoric on here, women cheat as well!

What's that got to do with it ? You sound like Emma's slimy toad of a husband.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 07:13

Scientist anti man rhetoric?

Only those men who are massive wankers who cheat on their partners.

londonrach · 08/01/2016 07:16

What are you doing for 2plus hours when dh and her are play fighting? Tbh id trust your gut feeling on this. Id certainly stop her coming around but if somethings going on they just move the location. Even if nothing is going on sounds like the trust has gone completely. I think you need to talk to him and think about whats best for you and your dc. Good luck xx

londonrach · 08/01/2016 07:18

(Makes note to read whole post before posting). Wow emma you are amazing. Well done Flowers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 07:20

london she's told him it's over already.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 07:20

Xposrt lobdon

areyoubeingserviced · 08/01/2016 07:24

OP, I have been with my Dh for over twenty years. I know all his friends and he mine.
I have NEVER ever had a 'playfight ' with them , I have NEVER spent two hours chatting with them while my dh is in the house.

londonrach · 08/01/2016 07:24

Still Grin. Still think emma amazing how she dealt with this!

Goingtobeawesome · 08/01/2016 07:47

You know it don't have to wait until he fucks your mate before you leave him, don't you? You can still leave him because he cheated on you before. You've forgiven and lived with it but actually you can change your mind, give him the metaphorical sucker punch and divorce this sleaze bag.

Blueandwhitelover · 08/01/2016 07:51

Well done! I think you have done the right thing.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/01/2016 07:52

Must learn to read everything before I post and get a better memory.

His response is classic guilt. Nothing I can do to change your mind = bang to rights.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/01/2016 08:09

LittleBeautyBelle sorry but your post to Emma at 00.23 was one of the most patronising things I've ever seen written on Mumsnet.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 08/01/2016 08:24

Can I ask what floggingmolly asked one page 1.......Why were you in the lounge, whilst they sat in the kitchen for 2 hours?

I just don't get it?

I haven't read the whole thread (but have read all Op's posts), but my instinct here, is that the woman in question is quite predatory and you just can't see it. She's coming in to your home and sitting not with you, but with your Husband. She know's he's capable of cheating. Her own relationship is shit. So she has sought him out for some kind of dalliance. I'm not blaming only her. I say that because she is coming to your home. She's treading on your territory. Sniffing around your man, in front of your face.

And for some reason, instead of your hackles going up, you've chosen to sit in another room. I just don't get this?

Tbh, I would have told her to Fuck off and chucked her out. And also been mad as hell with DH for not doing that himself. He's had his Peacock feathers fanned hasn't he? Twat!

Men like this never change. Sigh.