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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH being over friendly

155 replies

Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:06

Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 07/01/2016 23:50

This sounds horrible. I am so very sorry he's doing this to you.

If I blamed the 'OW' this thread would be about my friend wouldn't it not my DH. What I'm saying is that I don't want to be blowing my top at an innocent woman who genuinely is just being friendly

I think you need to read the first sentence, and then the second, because the first denies you blame the woman, and the second says you don't want to explode at the woman for being blameable if she isn't.

You're facing the wrong direction. It doesn't actually matter if he is cheating. His behaviour with her is hideously disrespectful. DH has a lot of women friends, one is even an ex, and this just is beyond my comprehension. Play fighting and multiple hours long conversations in your home while you are present, but otherwise engaged? WTF?

sleeponeday · 07/01/2016 23:51

Cross post and a half! Good luck, OP. Again, I am so incredibly sorry you are dealing with this. I hope it works out well for you.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 23:54

I'm proud of you, EmmaLouise!

TempusEedjit · 07/01/2016 23:55

How did he react OP?

Sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you have made the right decision.

Mouseinahole · 07/01/2016 23:55

I'm glad you are leaving. Just to confirm adults NEVER 'play fight' unless they are a committed couple and it is in the privacy of their own space and their own relationship.
Touching and giggling, patting and pulling away etc isn't funny and isn't appropriate.

Ohfourfoxache · 07/01/2016 23:58

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Fwiw I think you've done the right thing.

How did he react?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2016 23:58

Good for you!

Listen, if you truly feel that this young woman is vulnerable because of her shitty relationship rather than 'on the prowl', talk to her, tell her what he's really like. Because it sounds as if he's grooming her for an affair.

WelliesTheyAreWonderful · 08/01/2016 00:01

Good for you OP, and the best of luck.

Emmalouise2babies · 08/01/2016 00:05

Like I'm overreacting tbh but then said nothing he can do can convince me because obviously my mind is made up. Probably convinced I'm having an affair or something. Chance would be a fine thing! Grin

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2016 00:09

His reaction says a lot Sad

Kryptonite · 08/01/2016 00:10

Only read the first few replies and OP.
Your other half cheated on you. With someone you BOTH classed as a friend. (Great friend to you. Hmm
You become friends with someone at work, 'd' h has also become friendly with her plus play fighting with her in the lounge.
Ummm, helllooooo?! Sorry, but wake up a little. He might not be up to something, but either way it's not normal friend behaviour.

Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful
as for this bit. Words actually fail me a little.
What would be his reaction to you play fighting in the lounge with a male friend?

RivieraKid · 08/01/2016 00:13

but then said nothing he can do can convince me because obviously my mind is made up.

Wow, sounds like he put up a real fight, huh?

So much better off without him. Well done you x

Emmalouise2babies · 08/01/2016 00:13

No his reaction is typical of him when he knows he's in an argument he cannot win. Denied any wrongdoing affair wise but if he has I will know soon enough. Not that I care. I suppose I have been detached for a while and just carrying on for my DCs
More annoyed about the audacity and not being big enough to physically launch him out the door Grin

OP posts:
Kryptonite · 08/01/2016 00:18

Play fighting between truly platonic friends just doesnt happen. It is adolescent behaviour, touching with an excuse. It provides a cover story

This bit is true. I'm married, and have a platonic male friend. Love him to bits, but no, no NO the play fighting bit just wouldn't happen.
Play fighting and tussling comes to those you feel 'that way' for.

LittleBeautyBelle · 08/01/2016 00:23

He acted like you were overreacting? Of course he did. Another classic manipulating tactic to make you question yourself on whether he really did anything wrong.

And he said obviously your mind is made up. I'll translate for you--he doesn't care, not one jot.

You say he's probably convinced you're having an affair?

No, OP, he doesn't think you're having an affair, you're really reaching with that strange delusion. What alternate universe are you in?

No, his reaction was the typical reaction every scum has when he's being challenged. He knows the light is slowly breaking into your skull and reaching your brain. You are slowly, ever so slowly, connecting the giant dots of his play fighting, hours of intimate conversation with another woman in your own house while you sit in the lounge like ? I don't even know what, knowing his previous toadish behavior. Truly, OP, I wouldn't give somebody like him the time of day.

Again, your children deserve much better. Please get your children away from this disgusting person.

Emmalouise2babies · 08/01/2016 00:28

belle I've already done what needs doing. And tbh I don't need strangers talking to me like I'm an idiot, and regardless of what's happened in our marriage he's still their father. And I'm certainly not one of those women Hmm my children will know nothing of this

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 08/01/2016 00:30

I'm sorry, Emma, for being harsh. I am proud of you for telling him you're leaving, I just hope you can see through all of his sly tactics. I want what's best for you and your children Flowers

RivieraKid · 08/01/2016 00:31

his reaction is typical of him when he knows he's in an argument he cannot win.

The fact that 'I'm not having an affair and I can prove it' is an argument he cannot win is a bit rubbish though, no?

Probably convinced I'm having an affair or something.

Really more inclined to agree with PP on this one, sounds more like he just doesn't care.

Emmalouise2babies · 08/01/2016 00:32

Thank you. Believe me if I were round the corner from my mum like I used to be his shit would be outside on the street Grin

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 08/01/2016 00:33

At least you're moving as soon as you can with your DC's welfare in mind. Good luck!

LittleBeautyBelle · 08/01/2016 00:35

haha!! Good for you, I like your attitude. Keep hanging in there, you sound like a strong woman. You'll come out even stronger, best to you. Keep us posted as to how it goes. We are all on your side.

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2016 00:41

Emmalouise2babies well done for talking to him and keeping calm. All the best for the future.

Lozislovely · 08/01/2016 00:50

Listen to AF, she talks good sense even if you don't want to hear it right now.

As my now DH says 'did anyone die' my marriage broke up spectacularly 3 years ago and I was mum at the time to 2 teenage DS. We survived......

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2016 00:55

You've done the right thing OP

Men who will make a target for their wife's friends do not like their wife. Its making the disrespect the worse it can be. & I bet you have some friends who away from your earshot deem him desperate; as well as not respecting you, he doesn't even respect himself is he not embarassed? I can't get my head around the playfighting thing wtf so will reserve comment on that one Can't tell if you are leaving him for good or not but either way he needs a real wakeup call so good on you for making sure he gets it

TamaraLamara · 08/01/2016 01:11

if my H did "playfighting" with anyone I would consider he must have had a lobotomy in his lunch hour and then kick him the fuck out

I've never agreed with anything on MN as strongly as I agree with this!