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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH being over friendly

155 replies

Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:06

Have NC for this just wondering what others would think. My DH cheated a few years ago with someone who came into the family as a friend. I left him for several months, then we decided to give it a go for the kids and obviously I forgave the cheating.
However the OW was classed as both of our friend, and used the excuse that we were going through a bad patch and that she thought we were 'over'
Anyway fast forward a few years, no other issues. Have moved to a new area and have become good friends with a girl I met at work. I know you can never be certain after infidelity but DH has also become very friendly with her, and tbh is acting in a similar way as he did back then - think sitting in the kitchen chatting for 2+ hours while I sit in the lounge, play fighting, etc. She is younger than me and I don't think she would actually do anything tbh, she is currently in a very complicated relationship with a total bastard and comes round a lot because she lives nearby and I think is lonely (her family are 2 hours away) she hasn't changed her behaviour around me at all.
I suppose what I am asking is AIBU to feel a sense of deja vu and feel that if my DH doesn't look at her that way (she is pretty and him thinking that wouldn't bother me) he is being a damn insensitive twat for being so over friendly? Considering what's happened in the past although I've forgiven him AIBU to expect him to be more careful how he behaves?
Just to clarify my DH is a very jealous person - he trusts me 100% to be faithful but would be fucking fuming if I was so friendly with a bloke - even his close friends of 20 years plus.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:32

It's not groping Grin well I don't consider playful punches as groping maybe I should. I can feel myself getting angrier now but then I also
Think I can't be that arsed deep down for not administering a sucker punch right to his face when he did it earlier can I Hmm

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/01/2016 21:33

Play fighting between a man and a woman is sexual, are they actually wrestling on the floor?

You're being played for a fool.

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:34

She wasn't scoping me out. Her dickhead had actually done it, and then stayed FB friends with the girl saying he never used his FB as an excuse. That's where the question came from because she's young and I suppose she wanted me to tell her how to deal with it. I dunno that's what I thought at the time

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 07/01/2016 21:35

The fact your chum is with a "total bastard" and is playfighting with your husband raises massive red flags for me as well.

I'm sorry but if you are asking if your gut feelings of concern about cheating potentially going on are unreasonable then you're not.

You have - what I believe to be from what you've presented - a couple of treacherous shitheads on your hands.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/01/2016 21:35

Only time I engaged in play fighting is with someone I fancy or in a relationship with.

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck.....its a duck.

lavenderhoney · 07/01/2016 21:35

Why on earth do you leave them to it in the kitchen? Does he play fight with you?

If she's coming round too much, I assume she asks first before turning up?

Just say " we're busy this evening, maybe another time"

Of course she's being over friendly. They are flirting with each other and you let them. He's being over friendly too. There's being jealous and there's using your common sense isn't there? It's inappropriate- where will it end? You bursting into the kitchen and catching them snogging I expect, after they think you're gone to bed:(

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:36

You say you have told him he had his one and only chance last time, right ?

You say you would be out of there at the merest hint of a repeat performance.

Lovey, he is literally groping another female right in front of you and you are not following through.

What would it take ?

ENormaSnob · 07/01/2016 21:36

Get rid of the letch.

You are worth more than this life of uncertainty and mistrust.

Penguito · 07/01/2016 21:38

Get rid! I would not put up with that.

2ManySweets · 07/01/2016 21:38

Ps: by asking the "WWYD" question re someone sleeping with your DH means you are bring scoped out.

Believe me, believe me, believe me.

(And the majority of the folks on this thread)

UnGoogleable · 07/01/2016 21:39

Because she asked me once what I'd do to a friend who slept with my DH

She's testing the water OP.

We very wary of this 'friendship' - both with her, and between her and your DH.

As someone else has said, the stage is set.

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:39

IF anything is going on it definitely isn't while I'm in the house or the DC because the oldest is 15 and stays up
Late. I know you're all right and I should flip but part of me wants to let him dig his own grave for certain so he can't give me the 'hurt puppy' eyes and act like I'm barking up the wrong tree. I would possibly hit him with the nearest hard object then for the pure cheek Blush

OP posts:
UnGoogleable · 07/01/2016 21:40

Because she asked me once what I'd do to a friend who slept with my DH

She's testing the water OP.

We very wary of this 'friendship' - both with her, and between her and your DH.

As someone else has said, the stage is set.

UnGoogleable · 07/01/2016 21:40

Oops sorry for double post

Original poster
Emmalouise2babies · 07/01/2016 21:40

Even though I know who the other woman in her relationship was (other work friends were around when it was going on etc) so I know it isn't a lie and it actually did happen?

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 07/01/2016 21:42

I can't imagine play fighting being innocent or appropriate behaviour for grown-ups. Has it happened more than once?

You are suspicious because you've seen it before and know what's coming.

First off - the friendship is dead. She asked you about the consequences of sleeping with your husband! Dear God...she's assessing the risks.

Second off - sounds like the marriage isn't far behind as he's not showing any respect for you or your feelings. He ought to be staying away from your friends considering the history.

Get thee to a therapist, or solicitor!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/01/2016 21:43

Bloody hell. If my Dh 'playfighted' with another women? Errr. I'm not kidding, that is so far from ever happening I would assume his body had been taken over by aliens. Seriously, WTF?

Plus - what everyone else said. She's no friend. Lose them both Thanks

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:45

There's a lot of violence in your responses, OP

Start thinking with your brain instead of your fists

wheresthebeach · 07/01/2016 21:46

OP - you seem to be working quite hard to come up with reasonable explanations for unreasonable behaviour.

AllThatGlistensIs · 07/01/2016 21:46

I'd be more concerned about your own judgement of boundaries than theirs right now tbh. It's wholly inappropriate and utterly disrespectful, and that's just for starters. Why on earth have you not said anything? Shock

2ManySweets · 07/01/2016 21:48

I must stop posting now; my knickers are getting too twisted.

Let me tell you something; this sounds nigh on identical what XH did to me.

Forget the Facebook drama, forget the analysis of the first OW, forget her dick bf and look at the facts:

Your DH has form in this arena and is at it again by the sounds of it.

Your DFriend is also being inappropriate and is LITERALLY scoping you out. Fuck the context of the question that's exactly what she was doing.

So; we've established YANBU. But if you do let him "dig his own grave" then you need to get your plans in order to leave him sharpish else you will be made a mug of again and again and again.

Sorry to spam post, as you can tell a nerve has been hit Wink

Take control - covertly or overtly - and good luck

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 21:51

So, by "digging his own grave" what do you mean ?

You will continue to turn a blind eye and disappear to another room to walk back in and find him balls deep in her ?

That is what you are saying, right ?

You are opening up your own home to be the stage for him "digging his own grave". Is that what you are reduced to ?

GnomeDePlume · 07/01/2016 21:52

Play fighting between truly platonic friends just doesnt happen. It is adolescent behaviour, touching with an excuse. It provides a cover story.

CFSsucks · 07/01/2016 21:54

Agree with what everyone else said, you don't play fight with someone you don't fancy. I also thought she was testing the waters when she asked you what you would do. Why is she coming over and spending hours in the kitchen with her friends H? That's not what people do when they aren't interested in the other person.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 21:54

He sat in the kitchen with this other girl talking for two hours while you sat in a different room? He play fights with her?

She is young, pretty, in a "complicated" relationship with a (fellow) jerk. She is being groomed by your husband to develop feelings for him and engage in an affair. I have no doubt she would, considering she is already involved with a similar type of jerk. This would be just another "complication."

OP, I am not usually this blunt but your husband is a toad. How can you not see that?

And he acts like he's jealous of you? That is a classic tactic to manipulate you. He knows very well that you would never cheat on him. He is not jealous, he says that to keep you confused and focused on something other than what he's doing.

Please, please, wake up, OP. The names you are calling the girl's bf applies to your husband. Play fighting? OP, come on. All of you are immature, in my opinion. OP, are you aware of what is possible? There are men who don't act stupid like your husband. Marry one of them. Divorce this jerk. This marriage cannot be saved. He's already cheated and he has proven he will again. Your children deserve better. They are learning that it's ok for their dad to "play fight" and have affairs with whoever, whenever. Children know and can sense what's going on in these situations. Your husband does not deserve to be anywhere near your children.

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