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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with friend who feeds her dc nothing but crap

235 replies

itwasmuchbetter · 07/01/2016 14:52

I know it's none of my business but I am getting more and more concerned about dc of my friend who basically live on crap. She doesn't work so time isn't an issue, they have plenty of money to buy decent food but their diet is just awful. Examples of evening meals are Pot Noodles, Plain pasta with mayonnaise, cheap white bread/ tortilla with tomato ketchup. That is after packed lunch of chocolate brioche, chocolate bar, crisps. They frequently get constipation. This has been going on for years so I don't know why it is annoying me so much recently. Oh and they are constantly supplied with Haribos at every opportunity.

OP posts:
voodoolooloo · 08/01/2016 14:41

Are you joking spacey?. You'd not be looking after my child doing that. How cruel. Do you re heat the refrigerated food?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 08/01/2016 15:15

It's no wonder so many adults grow up to have serious issues with food

hazeyjane · 08/01/2016 15:39

wow. well that won't lead to a fucked up relationship with food, eh spacey

sadwidow28 · 08/01/2016 16:55

Oh for goodness sake spacey that is bordering on abuse IMO.

I have a DN who is a very fussy eater. I looked after him most weekends and holidays from aged 7-13 years. He had a 'repertoire' of about 8 meals that I had to circle through - all of them 'rubbish' in my estimation and vegetables were definitely off the menu altogether. But instead of giving him chicken nuggets from a freezer store, I would cube a free-range chicken breast and make my own nuggets with egg and breadcrumbs (but he would never, ever eat a chicken breast served whole on a plate). When it was time for burgers, I made my own so I knew the quality of the meat. For pasta, I made my own cheese sauce so I was confident he was getting calcium.

Never did I (or would I) make an issue of food. I wanted him to eat and enjoy what he was comfortable with - even if it meant me making everything from scratch. I taught DN how to cook - making his own fish fingers from cod fillets. He'd do the rustling-in-the-bag to coat his own chicken nuggets in bread crumbs. So he KNEW he was getting the healthier options of his 8 meals. He can also make a mean pizza dough now Grin

The only 'rule' I established was "no snacking before lunch or dinner". (He had a sweet tooth that was almost out of control.)

But getting back to the OP - I do think that the OP is right to be concerned. As a PP said, all children ARE our business. My NDN have 2 very fussy eaters (cakes and crisps are all they will eat) but both are extended bf children. The parents DO want them to eat 'normal food' but when the Dad put the distressed 4 yr old in the back garden with her dinner plate at 9.45pm (she'd been crying at the kitchen table since 6pm) and told her that "she was not allowed to come home until she had eaten her meal" I intervened over the fence and asked if they would like me to bring her into my house to settle and comfort her - and give them a break. I was told to mind my own business. So I phoned NSPCC who advised me to phone the police immediately. SS got involved as a consequence and the family have great external support now. The Mum thanked me for the intervention but the Dad has never spoken to me since.

spaceyboo · 08/01/2016 17:12

Of course I re-heat the food (once only then it's binned; this is a lesson really one she's learning well so there aren't many leftovers left anymore).

Yes I hate it but my neice was only eating white bread - she developed anemia and got a blockage in her intestine, so I felt I had to do something. I'm my neice's primary care giver so it fell to me to fix it (sis is pregnant again and her arthritis has flared up; she is virtually bed bound). I don't shout. I explain my decisions to her and keep explaining. I am affectionate in every way but I will not brook a disagreement about food.

spaceyboo · 08/01/2016 17:20

And it's not abuse (physical or verbal). She never goes to bed hungry; and my GP is well aware of what I'm doing and supports me because it gets the job done and she's still a calm happy kid. But it needed to happen - anemia for someone with beta thalessemia trait isn't pretty. Sufferers have small red blood cells anyway, Iron deficiency on top can cause further issues.

ouryve · 08/01/2016 17:25

I have 2 extremely fussy eaters. There's sod all that both of them will eat. I long to be able to do some lazy parenting and just prepare a single meal for all of us, most nights.

If I took spacey's delightful approach, they'd both end up on a drip.

sadwidow28 · 08/01/2016 17:32

spaceyboo

I now understand that you are the primary care-giver (as I was for DN when his Daddy died and Mummy got breast cancer). However, I am not sure that your methods will avoid issues with food.

Can I suggest another method that I used for my godchild who was also a fussy eater?

  • Choose a theme (fruit, fish, meat, vegetables, shellfish)
  • Go to supermarket and find all the different fruits/veg you have not tried ..... chat about, "I think that might be quite hard/soft. What do you think?". - Just buy 2 lychees or 1 sweetpotato etc - you don't need a lot of any one thing
  • Prepare a tasting tray together and invite friends for a 'food experience'
  • Label all the different fruit/veg on the tray (good spelling exercise) and fussy child takes the tray to everyone to ask them to choose something to try.
  • Everyone has a taste of each item on the food experience tray - including the fussy child - and they describe it to each other (It is okay to say "Yuk" but the more people who say "Gosh, that's really tasty!" encourages the child to see it more positively.)
  • After that, everyone shares a meal that leaves a 'happy experience' for fussy child.

I have to say that I personally failed on Whelks on our seafood experience, but discovered a love of calamari that I wouldn't have tried on my own.

HTH

sadwidow28 · 08/01/2016 17:39

Spaceyboo, you need to re-read what you posted:

After years of fussy eating I lost my rag and started to operate a zero tolerance approach to my neice. She is now no longer allowed to refuse anything she puts on her plate.

You lost your rag - like the Dad in my NDN story.

Your GP may be aware of your zero tolerance to fussy eating - but is he aware of your methods (losing your rag)?

KwickNC · 08/01/2016 17:41

Spaceyboo you're encouraging her to be scared of eating well done you

hazeyjane · 08/01/2016 18:21

I assume the GP has referred your dn to a dietician - what do they think of your methods?

tobysmum77 · 08/01/2016 18:31

I think the point is that Spacey's neice isn't actually that fussy. Fussy eating can be because of being put off giving children stuff they don't eat once. I was apparently a really fussy eater but my own dm is constantly telling me my dc don't like this and that, I'm Confused. Of course that isn't always the case and some refuse all but that isn't always the case. She honestly never gives them anything again they refuse once....

The approach sounds extreme ok but I've put dinner away and got it out again although I've never enforced eating of everything. Children (non fussy ones like mine) do take the Mickey if they think you'll be running round making toast if they won't eat lunch.

Howdoesironmanwee · 08/01/2016 18:46

What tobysmum said. Some kids take the piss, especially if they see anxiety in their parents. It does sound on the extreme end, but many will just ear shit if they think 5hey can get away with it and you're dping them no favours.
There is a difference between choosy and fussy.

LittleBearPad · 08/01/2016 19:13

For all of you criticising spacey for 'losing her rag'. Have you never done this or are you always perfect parents?

Her DN is learning to eat a more balanced diet. I assume that spacey isn't loading her plate with massive quantities of food she hates but there's nothing wrong in telling NT children they need to try something new on their plate.

LittleBearPad · 08/01/2016 19:16

And DD didn't eat much of her chicken casserole tonight. Frustrating as she likes all the individual ingredients. She now says she's hungry and has been told it's because she didn't eat her dinner. She'll have milk at bedtime but I'm not getting her anything else and certainly not the cakes she's just suggested we make Hmm.

hazeyjane · 08/01/2016 19:25

Reading your post I thought I must have misremembered Spacey's post, but no, it still sounds bloody awful.

And yes, as I said earlier, I live with a child who has food issues and have 2 other children who have had fussy phases.

The professionals who work with ds wrt diet, would be alarmed (at best!) by Spacey's approach

voodoolooloo · 08/01/2016 19:28

IMO and regarding spaceys post. There is a huge difference between a child trying something new and eating yesterday's re heated food for breakfast.
I'm very surprised your GP is on side with it. What has the dietician said?

I'm no expert but I visualise years of potential eating problems.
Does she have to finish the entire plateful?

DixieNormas · 08/01/2016 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noeffingidea · 08/01/2016 19:52

There's nothing wrong with eating leftovers the next day, as long as they're safely reheated. And assuming the portions aren't too big in the first place. If food is regularly left then I would suspect they are.
The approach spacey used worked for her niece, but it wouldn't work for all children. And as she gets older it might be a good idea to allow her more control over her own diet. There's a fine line between being firm, and being rigid and controlling.

DixieNormas · 08/01/2016 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsMeow · 08/01/2016 19:58

I had issues with food growing up and spaceys approach would have made it much worse

voodoolooloo · 08/01/2016 20:18

So am I correct in thinking that it's last nights dinner heated up for breakfast?
Vile. Stodgy cottage pie at 8am anyone? Made to finish every mouthful?
Ways and means, ways and means

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/01/2016 22:12

Lordy. I have memories of being force fed. Or the battles that went on for hours trying to force me and my sister to eat everything on the (cold, congealed, disgusting) plate. Also the heaving effort not to vomit on the kitchen table and make it to the loo. But we were 'just picky', fussy and spoilt.

We were 6 stone and 5ft 11. Called stick insect, skeletor, but nooo, fussy and doing it 'for attention' / 'for the power'. Never succeeded in breaking either of us in the way they wanted.

But we both had/have eating disorders. Can't think why! Ugh. Feel ill just thinking about it.

noeffingidea · 09/01/2016 01:19

dixie yes, I see your point about leftovers there. I agree with you actually.

knobblyknee · 09/01/2016 01:24

YANBU. I had the same issue with an ex friend when I watched her give her 1 year old a margarine sandwich. She also insisted she was completely potty trained, and was peeing on purpose.

Its neglect. Especially as they dont eat the same crap themselves. But dont expect it to end well, she wont thank you.