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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with friend who feeds her dc nothing but crap

235 replies

itwasmuchbetter · 07/01/2016 14:52

I know it's none of my business but I am getting more and more concerned about dc of my friend who basically live on crap. She doesn't work so time isn't an issue, they have plenty of money to buy decent food but their diet is just awful. Examples of evening meals are Pot Noodles, Plain pasta with mayonnaise, cheap white bread/ tortilla with tomato ketchup. That is after packed lunch of chocolate brioche, chocolate bar, crisps. They frequently get constipation. This has been going on for years so I don't know why it is annoying me so much recently. Oh and they are constantly supplied with Haribos at every opportunity.

OP posts:

Helloitsme90 · 07/01/2016 15:21

Giving your kids haribo is NOT better than nothing at all

finetonive · 07/01/2016 15:21

This isn't a laughing matter and the OP isn't being interfering.

If a child doesn't get enough vegetables and fruit in their diets, it can lead to chronic constipation, which in turn can lead to appendicitis among other things.

PoohBearsHole · 07/01/2016 15:22

Mitzy - not unheard of :)
Lots of people don't mention that their dc have food issues and are seeing people about them. They often don't go to other people's houses either for food as it can be very hard for them and forcing the issue doesn't help. Some kids its not just "fussy" but more textural which is a whole other issue :)

I have a friend who only ate ketchup sandwiches in her childhood. She's an average/slim healthy adult who eats normally now.

Obviously if they are eating all sorts at other people's houses without flinching in the slightest then perhaps she is a lazy mum but without more from the op..............don't want to jump on that fence just now :)

BarbaraofSeville · 07/01/2016 15:24

I agree with you too OP, but many people will tell you to mind your own.

could she be depressed? How about other aspects of her life - is the house clean and tidy. Does she live with the DCs father and if so, does he pull his weight in parenting, housekeeping and cooking?

However, if the house is dirty or untidy, you will probably get a lot more support on here in judging her. Because There Is No Excuse for a dirty toilet, but we can always justify living on shitty processed food because cooking is too much bother .

ohdearlord · 07/01/2016 15:24

If the kids are becoming unwell or are underweight then I think this has crossed the "mind your own business" threshold. Someone doesn't have to be a "bad" parent to need help with a particular aspect.

Is it possible to have a sensible chat with her OP?

PoohBearsHole · 07/01/2016 15:25

re the Haribo's, that isn't the part of the op I was referring to. I agree Haribo's are not a substitute for any kind of meal or snack and should be eaten sparingly. At any age [vomit]

finetonive · 07/01/2016 15:26

I'm not a medical person, but when I was a child I had to spend two years living with a person who fed us a diet similar to OP's friend.
I remember often being in agony, through constipation, which eventually culminated with me being rushed to hospital with a burst appendix.

I'm convinced that the one was the result of the other.
(or at the very least it didn't help)

FortyFacedFuckers · 07/01/2016 15:26

Op my sister feeds her ds a diet of around 6 foods none of which are healthy because he is extremely fussy but makes no effort at all to get him to eat other things. As far as she is concerned 6 packs of crisps a day is better than nothing but I really worry about him but I don't feel I can say anything other than what I have already.

Janeymoo50 · 07/01/2016 15:29

None of your business but I'd also want better for any child I knew. Does she come round for tea at yours at all? Perhaps she simply knows no better.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/01/2016 15:30

Might crisps have a tiny bit of fibre in from the potatoes I don't know if any Vitamin C survives too?

I have heard that, for a lot of people who eat a lot of processed food and little fruit and veg, it is basically the vitamin C in chips that stops them from getting scurvy.

PoohBearsHole · 07/01/2016 15:33

Being totally honest, I would start by inviting them over for a meal and giving them something that your kids like and seeing what happens.......

Don't go in all guns blazing though about it though, food issues are an incredibly sensitive subject and if other people have noticed and broached her about it you could get a short/shrift answer. Until you have battled for years with a child/ren about food you won't realise quite how sensitive it can make you feel. Or how depressed about you ability to parent. Or how angry you can get at your dc.

By all means approach it, be sensitive and understanding. Maybe go in on the "looking for new ideas of meals for dc" and if she says "don't ask me, mine only eat x/y/z" you can go on with "how come" and hey presto you can find out if she is a pants cook or doesn't understand nutrition or if they are the fussiest children on the planet and she just wants to get some carbs in them :)

Alicewasinwonderland · 07/01/2016 15:34

Fair enough parents can have fussy eaters, but allowing the kids to ruin their health by only eating rubbish is borderline child abuse. True, it's not always easy to feed them vegetables, but who said being a parent was easy.

Ban all biscuits, crips, chocolate and rubbish from your house for a start, and offer different healthy meals. When the child is hungry, he will eat. You can even hide quite a few vegetables in a homemade pizza for example. You can offer very varied taste and texture, I don't mean you have to be cruel.

Extreme fussiness is just lazy parenting.

MitzyLeFrouf · 07/01/2016 15:37

It's not the OP, it's her friend!

Frostycake · 07/01/2016 15:37

I feel for you OP, I have a friend who does similar with her daughter. Friend is highly intelligent but has had a difficult and lifelong battle with food (overeating). I can see her daughter going the same way. The whole family, brothers, sisters, mother father are the same. The poor child already looks ill and has received the 'overweight warning' letter from the school and she's only 7.

There's nothing you can do I'm afraid. Lead by example (kindly) perhaps. Be there when she needs you. Advise etc.. when she asks.

lexlees · 07/01/2016 15:38

YANBU - perhaps she simply does not know how to cook and is overwhelmed with cooking. If it s not that, then perhaps she is just plain lazy/depressed.

It is hard to talk to someone like that. They may just get defensive - but go with your gut if the moment is right. It depends how close you are to her and whether you are truly friends.

If she is really the foolish type of defensive person - then proper manipulation has to happen to get your point across. Perhaps encourage her to do some kind of cookery course to motivate her to cook - perhaps do it together - or say you don't want to do it on your own. Perhaps attend some kind of healthy eating seminar together (under the guise of you don't want to go alone). But a fool remains a fool usually.

Some people are just bad carers and don't mean well - they just do the minimum. Does she neglect the kids in any other way?

I knew someone like that once, she was just lazy and foolish. She was friendly and a great conversationalist. Anyone would think she is a great friend. But the kids didn't even come to school clean or with clean/whole clothes or even right size clothes or weather-appropriate clothes (shorts in winter). The house was never clean. Husband (now ex) ignored it all. They never had money for clothes or decent food, but always spent money on holidays abroad. So many people were concerned. They were supposedly poor but she used savings for plastic surgery! Last I heard was that all the kids were taken away from them due to neglect - the poor diet was just one small component of it. It was an extreme case.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/01/2016 15:39

Extreme fussiness is just lazy parenting

I'm going to assume you are saying this to wind people up, not because you actually believe it

PoohBearsHole · 07/01/2016 15:41

Tantrums got in there before me :)

Everythinggettingbigger · 07/01/2016 15:41

do you know all the facts? she may well be seeing someone over the way they eat?

My DS has a terrible diet, from weaning age I was back at uni, and then started working full time, I didn't have much control over what my son would eat during the day, when it got to dinner time the range of what he would eat was getting less and less. Now he's 5 and I can count on my fingers what he will eat, beans, toast, waffles etc.....but not just that, i've even made my own waffles so I knew exactly what was in them, he wouldn't eat them as they were not the ones he was used to. He eats a bit of fruit, it goes in his packed lunch every day, I would say at least 2/3 days a week it comes back uneaten. He's also picky about what chocolate and crisp he will eat its not like he just doesn't like fruit and vegetables, carrot and turnip is one of the things he will eat. I have visited the doctor and health visitor over this, and both have seen a food diary for a week and neither thought it was particularly bad and were not concerned. I was mortified and thought it was horrific as both me and his dad have a really healthy diet, but I was reassured he was getting all he needed.

Do you know absolutely everything they eat? it might not be as bad as you think

KoalaDownUnder · 07/01/2016 15:42

Barring serious mental health issues, the average 9-year-old (note: not a 2-year-old who can't be reasoned with) will not starve itself to death.

The idea that a child that age could be so 'fussy' that it would refuse anything healthier than pot noodles and crisps, no mater how hungry it got, is ridiculous.

Everythinggettingbigger · 07/01/2016 15:43

Tantrums and Poohbears glad someone else picked that one up! definitely just to wind people up!

imwithspud · 07/01/2016 15:45

I don't think all fussiness is down to lazy parenting but sometimes it is. If a parent makes no effort to try and introduce new foods every now and again then it's easy for parent and child to get stuck in a rut and lose interest completely in trying new things. I say this as someone who was a fussy eater as a child, I feel I was somewhat enabled by my parents.

00100001 · 07/01/2016 15:45

Alice obviously hasn't come across children that have sensory issues etc. Sometimes, it is just 'laziness' on the part of the parents, but not always. :)

00100001 · 07/01/2016 15:48

And also, people's perception is vastly different nowadays, because of the sheer variety of food available. Kids 60 years ago, weren't exposed to such a wealth of different flavours, so fussiness was probably lower.

However, those 'not fussy' kids from the 50s are the same 60+ years olds that "won't try any of the foreign muck" - so, fussy blighters they are! but for some reason, it is accepted :)

NinjaLeprechaun · 07/01/2016 15:52

"Extreme fussiness is just lazy parenting."
As a "fussy" eater with a mother who tried everything - from threats to bribery to trickery to tears (hers) - to try and get me to eat a normal diet, I have to respectfully say, horseshit.

DyslexicScientist · 07/01/2016 15:52

Yanbu, its a form of neglect / abuse IMO.

Don't think yhr get much support on here however

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