To think dss is being unreasonable, or am I?

[DadKeepsCalm1]

So today I finished unusually early from work, I normally finish about 5 to half 5. So as I was coming home from work (drive) I noticed it was almost the end of the school day at dd and ds school. So I decided to pick them up and get a coffee and cake. The school is not much of a detour on the way home. Dss goes to a different school it is very far from ds and dd school.

Dss and my kids normally get a bus home, dss bus was delayed and he got home considerably later.

Dss thinks that I should have come to pick him up, despite this meaning a massive journey in the midst of rush hour. Dss has then called me selfish and inconsiderate. However dss made no effort trying to contact me to explain journey problems, if I would of known of these I would have collected him.

So Aibu or dss ?

You didn't need 2 triple rooms. Your wife and daughter could have shared a twin bedded or double bedroom and the 3 men could have shared the other.

You could have suggested that combination when your son threw a strop.

I guess that could have worked. It would not have been fair on me and oh though.

Your son's behaviour wasn't fair on your stepson. You and your partner are supposed to be the adults here.

And really it's a big deal for you and your partner not to share a room for 1 night?

Having the same sexes share actually seems the more obvious solution given the ages of the children. I have friends with mixed sexes of children who do that if it's not possible to get 3 rooms or if money is tight.

To be honest I can't believe that you expected DS and DSS to share a bed. You already admit they don't get on. Why on earth would you make them share a bed?

The OP and his son could have shared and stepson could have had the single bed in that room.

Exactly Lass seemed like a very poorly thought out trip.

I can see know that the hotel arrangements could have been thought out better.

Ds was definitely in the wrong with the sharing situation. The thing Is that ds and dss do get on, but it's incredibly unpredictable.

I think most teenage boys would struggle to share a bed to be honest.
And there is no way I would have shared a room with my brother as a teenager!
When one person has to compromise or miss out or be treated differently, you have to make sure that it isn't always your DSS, everyone has to take their turn.

I agree Prime but it seemed better than making dd and ds share as they are a different sex.

We had a good family trip today. Me ds, dd and dss all went for a hike up some very intense hills in the Peak District. It was good and we all had lunch at a country pub, we had a slight row about seats in the car. My car is having a M.O.T so I have been given a temporary car, the back seats have limited leg room. So dss whose very tall 6ft 3 went in the front, which annoyed ds a bit as it gave me complete control of the radio as dss had headphones in .

But overall no rows and a great family outing.

That's good to hear, and good decision about the car ;)

Thanks Prime I think I have realised the pettiness rows are the ones where I should intervene quickly to avoid them turning into big rows.

Now that is wonderful to hear!
Building the relationship is so much more important than the little things.

Really glad that things have been better this weekend.

Thanks idefix,

I was want to get to the bottom of why ds did not want to share with dss, when he knew the plans. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach to get to the bottom of why he did that because I left the issue at the time but their still may be something unresolved between ds and dss want would you suggest.

Bump

Hormones? Teens being teens? Many siblings would not want to share at that age so when faced with the reality of sharing suddenly decided he didn't feel comfortable - which to me is completely understandable. I think you need to move in and just be very aware of how your dss feels.

I don't think your DS needs to have a reason as to why he didn't want to share a double bed with your DSS. I think it was an unreasonable expectation in the first place.
Did he really understand that he was going to be sharing a bed?

If he did, he should have objected before but the reality may not have registered with him until he saw it.

You could ask him if there was a particular issue but don't be surprised if there wasn't.

In future you need to split with the boys in a twin room and girl in a single, or if it has to be 2 rooms, you join the boys and your wife joins DD.

I do think that it needs to be a more open topic of discussion between all of you that it can be hard managing the different needs in a blended family. If you children see how hard you are trying to ensure fairness, it will be noticed.

I think that it goes deeper for ds then simply not wanting to share. Last August we went on holiday and ds would never go in the pool or around the pool when dss was their. I have a feeling that ds may be insecure around dss, because when dss was not around he would go in the pool.

I think this may be the reason to do with hotel room. I'm not sure though how I should confront this with ds as it is probably a topic that he does not want brought up.

Sorry if it seems like a bit of a saga but to me it is all connected.

Being so tall, does your dss look much older physically than your ds? More grown up? This might have some effect as ds is older.

The sleeping arrangements were odd all round. If I were your teenage daughter I would not have wanted to share a room with either of the boys.

I can understand either boy saying they didn't want to share. Your stepson however was prepared to put up with it, your son wasn't.

You must have thought the arrangement was reasonable, your stepson either thought it was reasonable and /or not worth making a fuss about. I think if you ask your son you will just get the "ugh sharing a bed" reaction which many people of all ages have.

I think it's good that you have stopped focusing on discipline and more on emotions.

I don't think you will get very far asking them to share complex and often contradictory feelings behind something that happened a few weeks ago now. What you'll probably get are rationalised and tactic interpretation of events, which mightn't help you understand what's happening.

This can't have been an isolated incident? Maybe you can think back about other times when DS and DSS have clashed? Surely between you and your wife can develop a theory?

Where is your wife in all of this? She feels conspicuous by her absence.

What was she doing when DS decided he wanted her son out of 'his' hotel room?

And are you talking as a couple about the issues between your DS and DSS, and what is she doing to help DSS feel less isolated?

Yes I am talking to my wife, she agreed to try and book another room. She also doesn't not believe I was in the wrong regarding pick ups but said that clearly their has been a rift between ds and dss.

Dss definitely looks older then ds, ds is very sporty and goes to gym often so has what would be considered a good physical appearance.

I can think of instances when both boys have been horrible to each other. But the only other one that comes to mind was about March last year when dss uploaded a unflattering picture of ds (without ds knowing) and wrote a nasty caption. Ds did not find out until a friend mentioned it as dss doesn't let ds or dd follow him.

Ds has also refused dss access to his playstation and we had a problem with ds friends once when we let them have a party for ds birthday.

So really both are petty and need to grow up needing the last word.