To think dss is being unreasonable, or am I?

[DadKeepsCalm1]

So today I finished unusually early from work, I normally finish about 5 to half 5. So as I was coming home from work (drive) I noticed it was almost the end of the school day at dd and ds school. So I decided to pick them up and get a coffee and cake. The school is not much of a detour on the way home. Dss goes to a different school it is very far from ds and dd school.

Dss and my kids normally get a bus home, dss bus was delayed and he got home considerably later.

Dss thinks that I should have come to pick him up, despite this meaning a massive journey in the midst of rush hour. Dss has then called me selfish and inconsiderate. However dss made no effort trying to contact me to explain journey problems, if I would of known of these I would have collected him.

So Aibu or dss ?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The time spent having coffee and cakes with your 2 (presumably in a cafe ?) could have been spent picking him up. Was it really impossible to arrange a pick up for all 3?

Oh and dss is allergic to egg so can't eat cake

Plenty of sweets/ cakes don't have eggs in them.

I think yabu in that I assume you texted your ds to say don't get on the school bus I will come and get you. Dss is not psychic and so would necessarily think phone and equally if he did not think you were available for a lift I guess he would have at the time thought 'oh well, I'll have to suck up this bus delay'

So he then got home after a long day, frustrated, tired, hungry and teenagey and found his step siblings who had had a lift and cake? I would feel a bit miffed and I am an adult. I don't think he was unreasonable describing you as a little selfish.

With regards to the cake and egg allergy this must come up all the time and surely you would treat dss to a different treat?

I don't mean this to be harsh but I totally can get this from dss point of view and why he was upset.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The time spent having coffee and cakes with your 2 (presumably in a cafe ?) could have been spent picking him up. Was it really impossible to arrange a pick up for all 3?

It was probably an opportunity to spend a bit of quality time with his own children though. I thought it was important for a dad to make sure he gets time alone with his own children?

He has had a bad day and found out you all got cake and he didn't. He feels isolated because his dad isn't around.

He is a teen. I would speak to him about the name calling.

He is being unreasonable but given his age and circumstances, I would have a quick chat about it and let it go.

It's not unreasonable to have some time on your own with your own kids. As you said he gets individual stuff too.

As teens go it's not that bad. I was really unreasonable at times as a teen.

Is it a one off or does he always make out you treat him badly?

Presumably you aren't a mindreader and would have assumed that he would have been on his way to get the bus at the time you were picking up your children?

You should have brought something for him as an added treat. Other than that YANBU.

He presumably has plenty of time for that when his stepson is with his own father.

I assume the stepson is his wife or partner's son and that all her children are living , for the moment in a family home?
I do not think in those circumstances he should be favouring 2 of his partner's children over 1.

The excuse about egg allergy is a bit weak- Does a bar of chocolate have eggs in it?

I think it tends to be more important if you are the NRP. I wouldn't distinguish bw 3 such similarly aged children who all lived with me in that way.

OP I think you should tell dss that you are sorry you've upset him then file this away under 'shit that happens'. I can see why he was upset but also that you weren't being deliberately unkind.

Oh and yes I would have bought him something too.

Dds school closed the other week as there was a flood. I took dd out while ds was at school. I bought ds cake as he missed out.

I am NT religious about keeping things fair, but it felt like a nice thing to do.

I think it tends to be more important if you are the NRP. I wouldn't distinguish bw 3 such similarly aged children who all lived with me in that way.

Actually I think it's important for any parent who has stepchildren. NRP or RP.

We have chocolate indoors, I did ask dss if he wanted anything and it went ignored so assumed that meant nothing.

The coffee and cake would take a fraction of the time it would take to pick dss up in rush hour. I did because I rarely get to pick up my dc and when I do I thought it would be nice to treat them.

I did because I rarely get to pick up my dc and when I do I thought it would be nice to treat them.

My point exactly. You rarely get to pick them up and when you have that opportunity you want to spend a bit of time with them with a cake and a coffee. I can't see what's wrong with that.
I'm sure if DSS went to the same school you wouldn't have told him he can't join you, but the fact is he was across town and wasn't nearby at all, so you used the opportunity to spend a bit of time with your own kids. You knew DSS would still get home, so no, you shouldn't have had to drive all the way across town to pick DSS up and miss out on a bit of time with your kids. Not a wicked stepfather in my book.

Tbh I think I deserve the apology when I was the one that dss was rude too.

Thanks soap

There is no issue that you were trying to be nice but it does seem that you have with this gesture upset your dss.

Why say that you would pick him up when you keep saying what a chore it would be to do this?

You did ask, I think your dss was pretty well mannered if all he did was to describe your actions as inconsiderate and selfish, hardly name calling.

Imagine the rejection of the sweets was done in a fit of pique rather than sign that he wasn't bothered about this treat.

I said if dss had said "their were no buses" I would have driven but he never texted me or my wife.

Idefix It was not said in a well mannered way, I do not think that it is accurate ever.

Literally just ignore him. You did nothing wrong, and tough shit really.

Teens need something to huff about. This can be today's.

Well OP. You have got the validation you wanted. No doubt you will ignore the posters who don't agree with you.

Whilst all your partner's children are living with you and your partner in one house they should be treated equally.

"There's chocolate in the house" isn't quite the same as "I thought of you and got this". And really the egg allergy excuse is pretty poor. Why would you assume the text was ignored? There are any number of reasons why it might not have been replied to.

Are you going to even consider it from his point of view?

Lass, I think you will find that I have replied to all of the disagreeing posters. Considering that dss listens to music on the way home the phone was very unlikely to be off or not in use, so assumed that it was ignored.

I have considered it from his view, but he is old enough to realise the distance between schools or the rarity of the occasion.

Can I ask why they go to different schools? Is it because they started secondary before you and your wife married?

Whilst all your partner's children are living with you and your partner in one house they should be treated equally.

What, down to every last coffee or bite of cake?

You want an apology and don't want to give one. Fair enough I suppose. However I find that modelling works and stubbornness doesn't. I find that the more DH and I apologize to DD and thank her and ask her nicely, the more she does it.

He's a teenager and the grumpy, shitty rudeness can be a sign of unmet needs, with a layer of terrible communication skills and hormones.

No dad around. A crappy day. A terrible journey. Bad PS score. No cake. 😩

They did start before we were together. Ds and dd go to a grammar school, dss is trying to get in for sixth form.