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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dss is being unreasonable, or am I?

159 replies

DadKeepsCalm1 · 05/01/2016 18:21

So today I finished unusually early from work, I normally finish about 5 to half 5. So as I was coming home from work (drive) I noticed it was almost the end of the school day at dd and ds school. So I decided to pick them up and get a coffee and cake. The school is not much of a detour on the way home. Dss goes to a different school it is very far from ds and dd school.

Dss and my kids normally get a bus home, dss bus was delayed and he got home considerably later.

Dss thinks that I should have come to pick him up, despite this meaning a massive journey in the midst of rush hour. Dss has then called me selfish and inconsiderate. However dss made no effort trying to contact me to explain journey problems, if I would of known of these I would have collected him.

So Aibu or dss ?

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/01/2016 20:50

What, down to every last coffee or bite of cake?

Well Soap we know your views on this- some children are more equal than others.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 05/01/2016 20:58

Lass, it is impossible to make life completely fair for step kids. I will try my hardest but it's unlikely to be level. In a different scenario it might be dss and ds getting a treat.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/01/2016 20:59

Sorry Soap that was sarky. This is not quite the same as yours as stepson, other than holidays, is living permanently with the OP.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 05/01/2016 22:30

Still haven't spoken to dss tonight, he has not apologised and refused to talk when I came to speak to him.

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/01/2016 22:33

I dare say the dss mother spends one to one time with her ds, and I bet his dad treats him too when he's in the us.

It's vital that each child gets special time with their parent sometimes, to begrudge the Op's dc from dad time is a bit mean. I would hope that the Op's dc would not begrudge dss from one to one time with his mum/dad.

Hissy · 05/01/2016 22:33

Op, leave it for now, can his mum talk some sense to him?

Hissy · 05/01/2016 22:34

Sounds like (ignoring your text) he was determined to be in a mood with you and would have found an excuse somewhere

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 05/01/2016 22:45

I would hope that the Op's dc would not begrudge dss from one to one time with his mum/dad

The children have the same mother. The OP stated his stepson spends the holidays with his own father so OP has plenty of opportunity for spending time with the OP's biological children.

It seems to me there is scope here for both apologising.

Leelu6 · 05/01/2016 22:53

What does your wife think?

YANBU. I hate driving through rush hour and probably would not have made the long journey to pick someone up, unless they called and explained about public transport issues. And I think it was fine to pick up and treat the other kids.

However, because DSS doesn't benefit from this treat, I would find a way to make it up to him e.g. A lift to a friend's house or out for some ice cream.

DSS does need to understand that not all 3 can be treated exactly the same all the time and therefore should not get rude about it. However, equally, things need to be balanced out over time so that he doesn't miss out more often than his step-siblings.

marilyntaylor · 05/01/2016 22:54

Lass, are you sure the children all have the same mother? The OP said that his children were 15 and 17, and that DSS was 16. I just assumed that they both already had children when they married and that his children and her son were step siblings rather than half siblings.

CiritheLionessofCintra · 05/01/2016 22:54

I think you should both apologise. Even though he didn't text you it might have been a nice gesture to bring him home something (without eggs) that might have taken him out of his mood.

You apologise for not thinking of him and he apologise for calling you names. I don't begrudge 'special' time with your bio kids but you all live under one family roof. If he was your bio child would you pick him up from school or bring him something home?

Leelu6 · 05/01/2016 22:56

Bit strange that all the DC have the same mother if DSS is 16
but DD is 15 and DS is 17...

PrimeDirective · 05/01/2016 23:09

I understand why you did what you did and it can be explained perfectly logically. However, you treated DSS as a bit of an outsider and he felt like he doesn't matter as much as your kids.
No he didn't react as he should but you've dismissed his feelings.
He wasn't worth the effort of being collected or even buying him a treat.
Even when the reasons for that are sensible, it's still hurtful.

PrimeDirective · 05/01/2016 23:10

And I agree with the pp that you should both apologise to each other.
You first to model the behaviour you want from him.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 05/01/2016 23:12

No my two dd 15, ds 17 have a different mother to dss 16.

OP posts:
Havingafieldday · 05/01/2016 23:26

I think what you did was fine. He needs to get over himself. I often pick up my younger 2 and not the older one and sometimes take them for a treat and don't take DS or get him anything. Other times I take him out and leave his siblings and don't get thrm anything. He's just being ridiculous and the step bit in this scenario isn't really the issue is it? More that they were closer and he was out the way

Noteventhebestdrummer · 06/01/2016 04:13

He just wants to know that you love him the same as the others but he can't say that. When could you find time to just pick him up from school and have cake together?

Can you tell him that you're sorry he's upset?

MrsUniverse · 06/01/2016 04:23

OP there are many occasions whee mumsnet will berate a poster for not allowing 1 to 1 time with biological parents. You did nothing wrong, teenagers don't at that though. He's too wrapped up in his own needs to see much further out beyond himself. But YANBU.

sashh · 06/01/2016 06:50

No we have more then one controller, I don't know much about the game but if ds had more time it puts him at some sort of advantage, but that's life dss might have more time on it next week

So he had a shit journey home, got in late (and probably cold and wet) and then finds his stepsiblings have not only had a treat but have an advantage over him because they got on the PS first.

Did you bring him home a cake?

Does he live full time with you?

When I started high school my cousins were living with us. My school was the other side of town, my brother and cousins were all in walking distance.

I used to get home, everyone else was out of uniform and there would inevitably be an 'in joke' or something that happened that I wasn't part of.

Other things, they may have decided to get Chinese for tea, they would order for me and order the thing I get 90% of the time, but I didn't get that choice.

Things that as an adult mean nothing, but as a child - well it hurts.

I'm not saying dss is right, just that I can see things from his POV.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 16:38

Sashh I understand that the game means a lot to a teenager. But their is nothing I can do its just unlucky his school is further away.

Dss lives her full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 16:52

Tried to speak to dss just a minute ago but was met by the same kind of accusations and names as before so I have left it, I don't want to carry on an argument and this needs resolving but dss is refusing but to speak about to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 16:53

Also my wife has tried to speak to dss without success.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 17:25

Bump

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 06/01/2016 17:45

I can sympathise with your actions but also have a lot of empathy for your DSS the teenage years are tough, and whilst you did nothing"wrong" per se I can see why he felt miserable when he got home after an awful journey. I think most of us would feel a bit irrational and grumpy in those circumstances so cut him some slack

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 17:48

But dss needs to know that not everything is fair and sometimes you have bad things like a poor journey but it can't be met with rudeness.

OP posts: