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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dss is being unreasonable, or am I?

159 replies

DadKeepsCalm1 · 05/01/2016 18:21

So today I finished unusually early from work, I normally finish about 5 to half 5. So as I was coming home from work (drive) I noticed it was almost the end of the school day at dd and ds school. So I decided to pick them up and get a coffee and cake. The school is not much of a detour on the way home. Dss goes to a different school it is very far from ds and dd school.

Dss and my kids normally get a bus home, dss bus was delayed and he got home considerably later.

Dss thinks that I should have come to pick him up, despite this meaning a massive journey in the midst of rush hour. Dss has then called me selfish and inconsiderate. However dss made no effort trying to contact me to explain journey problems, if I would of known of these I would have collected him.

So Aibu or dss ?

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 06/01/2016 18:00

But more important than that is that he is treated with compassion and empathy and a recognition that it is understandable he feels upset and that you recognise why he might feel upset and find it hard when he is treated differently (whatever the justification)

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 18:34

I can understand he may feel left out but he needs to understand that it was not intentional and definitely not done to get him upset.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/01/2016 18:34

Surely dss mum does stuff with him alone? He gets a us trip every year... I'm sure his father does 'special' stuff with him, do your Dc sulk? Does he not see that it's important for every child to get some individual time?

I think dss is milking this, and now needs to be left to sulk.

You actually haven't done anything wrong, even so you've apologised to him, your wife has apologised or tried to reason with him.

I get that as he's not related to anyone in the house, he may have an inferiority issue, but still, this is not the way to be more integrated; to begrudge everyone everything if he's not involved, you did offer cake/whatever. Enough.

I do feel for him, but enough now.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 18:37

He does tend to hold grudges. (I haven't apologised)

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 06/01/2016 18:53

Agreed,'I don't think you need to apologise but equally I don't think he should be berated either for just being a normal teenager who had had a bad day. I wouldn't have been in trouble just for getting upset and consequently have a very close relationship with my parents
(And I had hideous tantrums as a teenager!!)

bbpp · 06/01/2016 19:20

Sounds like you're going into his room and trying to tell him that he has no right to be upset. 'He needs to understand' and 'He needs to know'

He's pissed off. You've pissed him off. And he probably does know, deep down, that you weren't being intentionally nasty about this (Unless this sort of thing is a pattern), but just let him be pissed off.

He's had a bad day and feels left out, he's took himself into his room until he gets over it but people keep coming in and telling him he's not allowed to be upset and lectured about your point of view?

Leave the poor kid alone. Talk to him about how he spoke to you when he's had some kip and feels better tomorrow or something.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 06/01/2016 19:53

I think you're underestimating how horrible it feels to be left out of something. From his point of view you left work early, picked up YOUR kids, got them a treat, spent time with them and drive them home while all he got was standing in the rain left on his own. He most likely feels this is a big 'fuck off' from you. I'd apologise if I were you.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 06/01/2016 21:28

But that's the point he needs to realise he wasn't intentionally left out, it wasn't a personal attack.

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 06/01/2016 21:40

It's actually barely relevant what the intention is
The fact is that the quite understandably felt rubbish and you don't seem to be able to empathise with him or give him a bit of leeway in terms of his behaviour when he got home.

FlankShaftMcWap · 06/01/2016 21:59

Try going in one more time and saying "I'm sorry that I've upset you, it truly wasn't intended and I can understand why you felt it was unfair. I hope you can understand that there was no malice intended." and then leave him alone!
It doesn't matter that you think it's important that he comes around to your point of view. He won't. He's a teenager who feels as though he's been wronged and they aren't known for their miraculous turnarounds in attitude. You are making it worse by haranguing him.
You didn't mean to upset him but you did. When we hurt someone accidentally it's usually accepted that we say sorry, not insist that the other person has no right to feel hurt because it wasn't deliberate.
For goodness sakes stop being stubborn and lead by example. Tell the lad you're sorry and leave him to think about how he's feeling and why. He'll work it out.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 06/01/2016 22:00

OP you will find that people go on about how it's so important for a dad to spend time with his own children without his partner or stepchildren around all the time.
It's funny, because that's exactly what you did. You spent some time with just your own children but yet you're in he wrong for not including your
Dss.

You shouldn't be expected to include your dss in absolutely everything you do with your own children. You still need that time with them, whether dss lived with you full time or not. He gets time alone with his dad, so they should get the same.

As I said, I'm sure that if he was at the same school or somewhere nearby, you wouldn't have told him that he can't join you. But the circumstances being what they were, you used it as an opportunity to spend some time with your children. Terrible you.

throwingpebbles · 06/01/2016 23:30

flank has expressed what I have been trying to say but far more eloquently

You didn't do anything wrong, by equally it is easy to empathise with why your DSS feels upset and I think he should t have to apologise for his reaction

PrimeDirective · 06/01/2016 23:37

Just show a bit of empathy! It doesn't take much but it goes a long way.
Flank worded it perfectly.
People learn to deal with life being unfair when people can at least see from their point of view, why they are upset.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2016 23:52

You can be fight to be right or you can be effective. Which would you like to do?

Do what Flank says and you might be effective.

I think parents who find it hard to apologise are setting the next generation up for the same. It costs nothing and doesn't hurt so why have we been taught it's so dreadful? I apologise to DD all the time. For shit that isn't my fault. So she does too.

DH doesn't like to apologise because his bloody father won't even when he's clearly and horribly in the wrong.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 07/01/2016 17:49

So I went to dss to apologise if I unintentionally left him out and I wanted to know why he was so upset.

He said that instead of getting coffee they could of picked him up and then got coffee and that would have been fair. He also said that I always view him as an inconvenience.

We had a problem when we were staying at a hotel over Xmas and I had to book a third room as my ds didn't want to stay in the same room as dss and I had to book another room and dss ended up with a different room on a different floor.
I did make that up to dss because that was ds fault and not dss. He's only mentioned this now and I didn't see it as a problem.

OP posts:
Witchend · 07/01/2016 17:57

If it was your ds' fault then why wasn't he put in the room a floor away?

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 07/01/2016 18:04

Because the room was a double and single and the single being for dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 07/01/2016 18:30

Tbh I think dss is using the hotel thing a bit. He got his own room and didn't have to share with two others.

OP posts:
Idefix · 07/01/2016 18:51

Really dad? sadly I think your dss is going to continue to experience more incidents that will leave him feeling isolated and excluded. Really feel very sorry for your dss whose feelings you seem determined to question and dismiss.

Why do you think dss is using the hotel incident? You asked and he explained and now you are questioning him. Why would he make this up. I think he is trying hard to say he is feeling isolated.

Sallystyle · 07/01/2016 18:51

I am very hot on treating step children the same. It's a very sore subject for me.

But on this one I don't think YABU.

I might occasionally take my two younger children out on the way home for a treat and not the older ones. Simply because those two come out the same time and their school is next to each other. Sometimes I might buy the older ones something for when they get home and sometimes I might not. The older ones will get a treat and time with me when the younger ones don't at times as well.

Oh and yes, funnily enough as another poster mentioned big families were berated the other day for parents not spending enough quality time with their children but now all children are expected to do everything together? Or is that just where step children are concerned?

I can see why it may have bothered your step son OP, but you did nothing wrong. He lives with you mostly full time and therefore has to accept that you will do things with some children and not the others at times because that is just how normal families work. I assume that you spend time with him and often treat him as well ?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 07/01/2016 18:52

I can see both of your sides TBF. Keep in mind though, you have said it was inconvenient to go and get him too...so no wonder he's said you treat him like an inconvenience.

If I were you (and if this is actually true) I'd point out that due to rush hour traffic, he'd have actually been out in the cold for longer waiting for you than he did waiting for the bus.

But then, if I were you and the family children all got the same bus, I'd have collected all of them or none of them.

SouthWestmom · 07/01/2016 18:58

The hotel thing is a bit weird to be fair. I'd be pissed off if someone who decided they didn't want to share my room ensured I was on a different floor to everyone else.
The cake thing is stupid. His mum picks him up sometimes? If you try to equal it out you'll need a bloody massive excel spreadsheet. I have four and do different things depending on where we are. Dd and I get out brows waxed together. None of the boys moan about that. Ds and dh go to see the avengers movies together - that's what they do.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 07/01/2016 18:59

I think he is using the hotel thing because of the fact that he moved but got his own room and seemed quite happy about it. I also made it up for dss buy giving him some extra cash when he went out with friends after Xmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 07/01/2016 19:03

Exactly noeuf he gets picked up by mum sometimes and taken out. Before Xmas they went to get to a Mexican restaurant together. I have done things on my own with dss on the past when he's really wanted to do things such as paintballing and my kids didn't want to go.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 07/01/2016 19:50

It doesn't matter that you think it's important that he comes around to your point of view

It seems very important to the OP. Flank has given very good advice.

Re the hotel room I don't understand why your stepson had to be on a different floor. I can't actually work out what the arrangements were- was it a triple room with a double and a single room? Or a double room for the boys and a single room for the girl?

If it was a triple room is it the case your son refused to share with his step-brother and you allowed that?

Whilst at the end of the day it might be nicer to have ended up with a room on his own how he achieved that seems to be because your son didn't want to share with him.