AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

but I would have nobody to watch my other child while being sectioned! It's things like that that make it impossible to imagine ever having another one

You really do have to take some responsibility here! You fell pregnant while living at home - i.e. no place of your own. You have a partner who won't take time off to acknowledge his responsibilities to his partner and his child. You are miserable at lack of social life, yet thinking about another baby. You can't go out because you don't want to go anywhere new, won't learn to drive, and you're now saying you can't have a section for a not yet existing baby because you have no childcare.

Really, your mother is the least of your problems! For every single issue you have come up with on this thread, there is a solution. These are issues that many, most new parents face. Many kind people have made good suggestions, and your response is to come back with more problems and blame your mum. You and your partner brought this child into the world; it is up to you both to make that child's life as good as it can be. No one else owes you this.

I can understand where your mother's frustrations come from. I know that is harsh but really, only you can solve this.

Leaving the babysitting aside, your mum does sound like a stone cold bitch, which has probably damaged your self-esteem... Near me there are lots of groups both for younger mums and for mums with PND, I suggest you ask the HV if there's anything like that near you.

On a practical level, could you ask MIL to have your son for this break instead of the gig, and get a babysitter for that night out? Or sell the gig tickets

I don't think anyone has said that you are a bad person for wanting a break on your birthday. However, what people have said is that, given that you have no childcare in place, your OH was foolish to book the break without making any arrangements. In trying to do something nice for you, but only half thinking it through, all he has succeeded in doing is adding to your stress. Also, given that you have been out so little since the baby was born and have childcare problems, booking something as ambitious as a two-day break was probably a bit optimistic. Maybe taking you out for a nice dinner and using the intervening month to find a local babysitter would have been a better option?

My mum and in laws are always happy to look after our children but we would never arrange anything where we would need childcare without asking them first. So it was very foolish to book something, particularly when your mother has made it so clear time and time again that she's not interested. The way she talks to and about you and your son means you should think very carefully about whether you would actually want to leave him with her. She sounds truly awful.

But your real problem here is two-fold - a lack of love from your mother and loneliness.

I would step back from your mother. You cannot change her. She will only continue to hurt and disappoint you. Don't let her! Honestly, no mother is better that one who just doesn't care.

As for the loneliness, try to get out there and make friends. You are so very young and you have so much ahead of you. Perhaps consider working outside of the home, join baby groups, get a hobby. Anything is possible. You will go slowly mad with only your boyfriend and a shitty mother in your life. And children are wonderful but you need a break otherwise it can become overwhelming.

My mum is 48

Did you not say she was celebrating her 50th birthday?

For heavens sake what is it with this site and the idea that grandparents shouldnt help? Ive lived in Europe where families support each other which also means old people are looked after and dont go into nursing homes.
I think its poor she wont help and dont bloody well look after her cat again

I think really you have a sorry exscuse for a mother.Distance yourself.She sounds like she adds to your problems.

And your bf needs to start focasing on you and dc more.Go back to gp get your meds sorted.

You need to go out wiht the child even if its only to the park and build up your confidence that way.

I have no parents to help out,both are dead,mil is alive but cant be counted on.
Its notlike your out on the piss every night and she is left with the baby.Its one night.
This is what i would do ring the hotel and change booking for baby.Usually they are free anyway.Most big hotels have babysitting and kids clubs.You would be better off doing that than depending on your mother and i use that word very loosely.

I'm starting to feel guilty, he isn't talking yet and I feel like its my fault because he doesn't get to see anybody to learn any words

OP, how are you managing to work at home? Is your toddler there while you work?

OP, I have to agree with Expat.

When I was miscarrying many years ago my DH took the day off work as compassionate leave to go to the hospital with me. It was my first pregnancy, so we didn't even have any other children to think of. He was there for me, and was the driver that day. Yes, he could have chosen to go to work instead but he didn't and I would have been massively upset if he had. Your DP chose to remain at work when he should have been accompanying you to the hospital (driving) and taking charge of your child for the duration. Yes, he should have and very likely could have. It would have been a horribly churlish employer who tried to stop him. My DH worked in the City of London at the time. Long hours were expected, but not on that occasion. They were very sympathetic and told him to take as long as we needed.

Your DP seems to think that life goes on as it always did after a child is born and that others will pick up the slack. It doesn't, I'm afraid. It really doesn't.

The above might sound harsh, but in fact you do have my sympathy. Your mum is cold and distant, you have had to adjust to having a child with very little support, you have since miscarried virtually alone and it seems you DP just doesn't "get" any of it.

Added to that, you are grappling with PND, which is crippling in itself.

Do look for mother and toddler groups. Do talk to your doctor and the health visitor to adjust your meds and find out what support groups are available locally.

You need real life support, and sadly you can't look to your mum for that.

I do have my own house? I live a minute away from her.
I meant she was 48 when I got pregnant, yes she's 50 now

I would like just to have a breather from my son. It makes me refreshed and happier to deal with him.

Pretty sure if you ask any parent they would also love this, doesn't mean it happens.
I'm 29 and pregnant with my 1st child, the baby will be 9 months old on my 30th birthday - would love to go away for the night but it won't be happening as I've chosen to become a mother instead. I don't speak to my mum so no chance of her babysitting. However - even if we spoke I categorically would NOT be asking her to babysit if she spoke about me and my child that way your mother speaks about you and yours.

She has slated your baby in front of you, told you she doesn't agree with you having the baby, told you she doesn't want to be around the baby - yet you still want her to babysit?

You're 22 years old, do you work full time from home? Mother and baby groups, swimming, cafe - get out of the house and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can't complain you don't know anyone and have no friends and then do nothing about it. If necessary put your baby into a nursery a few hours 1 day a week - you'll meet people there and also have some time to yourself.

Your DP seems to be not committed to being a father at all. the 2 miscarriages did you intentionally fall pregnant? I'm sorry for your losses, I've experienced it myself - but there is no way my DP would have stayed at work while I went through it.

I know this sounds glib, and isn't really about your OP, but could you look into getting a part time job (you may already be doing this)?

Even if it only just covered childminder or nursery costs, it would solve a lot of your problems:

a) give you some time away from your son doing something different
b) give you a chance to meet new people, some of which may have kids of a similar age
c) give your son the chance to interact with other adults and children which may help his language development
d) help build your self-esteem and confidence

Or if you don't want to put your son into childcare you could look into working one or two evenings a week or a weekend day, which would do all but c).

OP why did your partner go to the work meeting whilst you had a MC, was he under pressure to go to the meeting?

I work four hours from home, I only got a job because my mum was saying how it's sad that so many young people have babies and rely on some benefits, so got a job to prove her wrong.
This has been an eye opener and I really needed that, no more excuses I need to get out

OP-
1)Learn to drive. Contact all local driving schools and ask if toddler could sit in back, there is no law preventing this, I looked in to it. If not, book ahead lessons that OH will be home during, i.e., early before work, at night at weekend. Driving, especially as a mum gives you SUCH freedom. I cant imagine not being ale to bung everything into car and drive us wherever we fancy when its just me and DS, a different playground, gym, class, friends house, shop etc.. Most kids love sitting in the back so they are happy and you get your peace signing along to the radio as you drive around! Make this your new years resolution.

2. once you've started this, you'll grow in confidence and be less restricted about where you can go, so research new places to get out and meet new people.

3. forget about your mum for the time being , don't initiate any contact and be independent, seems she just drags you down

4. go on your trip but as said, bring DS with you and hire babysitting for long stretch in evening and go out! Go watch a film followed by dinner...bliss. x

I do have my own house? I live a minute away from her.

You didn't when you got pregnant, did you? Because she kicked you out.

OP, I have what sounds like a similar relationship with my own mum and a lot of what you say resonates.

Some thing I did that helped me and that I grew to understand

• Realising that my mother was never going to give me the love and support that I thought she should – that I saw other people’s mothers giving them. This is not so much to do with babysitting at the last minute and more to do with never occasionally complimenting me or saying I’d done something well
• Based on the fact that my mother wasn’t who I wanted her to be, I started projecting all my woes onto her regardless of whether this was reasonable or not. Kind of “if she’d been a better mum, this wouldn’t have happened” sort of way. Some of this was justified (my crippling lack of self esteem I think was largely attributable to her) but it wasn’t helping just to blame her.
• Accepting that I could love her but I didn’t have to like her, and I could stop myself being hurt any more. This meant that when she makes the put down, I just think what a nasty bitter person she is rather than letting myself get upset. Even better hold her at arms length (happy to chat about her forthcoming holiday, not about anything meaningful or important).
• Realising that the only person who could make me happy was me
• Like you I was scared of walking into baby groups alone but I forced myself to do it. I went armed with a stock of small talk and an aim to talk to just one person. Made myself focus on the nice people and accept that when a woman walked off when I asked how old her baby was that was her problem not mine!
• Went for a walk every day. Fresh air and exercise makes you feel more positive. Plus if you walk round the park, you can strike up conversation with another mum on her own (less daunting than baby groups).
• Make time for yourself – take up a hobby, whatever you want. Volunteer for something. Have an identity that isn’t X’s mum or Y’s girlfriend.

OP upthread you said you worked from home, now you're 4 hrs from work?

OP upthread you said you worked from home, now you're 4 hrs from work?

I think she means she works for four hours at home, not four hours away from home.

rookie op works 4 hours a week from home

been an eye opener and I really needed that, no more excuses I need to get out

Good for you op. Take control of your life and you'll feel so much better.



Here are my thoughts. For reference, I'm old enough to be your mum and have two grown sons.

As far as your mum:

Some people are just not 'parental'. Even though your mum had children she may very well be one of those people. She did what she considered her 'duty' by you and your brother but got no satisfaction it. In 'our day' it was expected that you'd have children, it's what you 'did' once you married. I have at least one friend who actively admits that she wishes she'd never had a child. She was a wonderful mum on the surface. But the 'feeling' was never there.

Or it may be that she's so selfish that she resents your having a child because he's taken away the time that she feels you 'owe' her. That you can't do all and be all for her because your loyalty now lies elsewhere.

Or it could be that she truly feels you weren't ready for a child and she's 'punishing' you by 'showing you what having a child is really like'. Did she have help with her children from your grandparents?

Or it could be that she's being eminently reasonable and we just don't have a true picture of her from your posts.

No matter what the reason, you must let go of your beliefs as far as what she 'should' do. It is her right to live her life as she chooses. You have no right to expect anything from her. On the surface it doesn't seem to me as if you're expecting too much, but you need to look honestly at what you've asked her to do and decide that for yourself. I do agree that it wasn't right to schedule time away without asking her first.

As far as yourself;

You sound so isolated and I'm sorry for that. But it is something you can do something about. As others have suggested, talk to your HV or GP. Ask for help, it's what they're there for. Once you've a start with that you'll feel more like branching out. I, too, never made friends easily and really have only three very close friends, only one of which is truly 'local'. But you can widen your circle if you want. Many young mums are only too eager to find other young mums in need of occasional childcare to arrange 'swaps'!

I also think your partner needs to step up. He should be looking out for you a bit more than he is, I think. He should actively encourage you to get out and almost push you out the door if he has to. Tell him that (to start) you'd like one evening a week (or some hours on Sat or Sun) to get out on your own. It doesn't matter what you do, just that you get out. Take a walk, go to the library, go to a lecture or gallery. Something that gets you out and around people, even if you don't interact right away.

You can change the pattern you've fallen into. It isn't unusual for a young mum to feel isolated. But you need to take that first step. I wish you luck and strength.

Ah gotcha about the job, thanks bunnysorry OP.

Good for you, OP. You sound as if you are taking things on board. You can't change your mother, but you can minimise hurt and disappointment by changing your expectations and removing the 'shoulds' from your thinking about her. In saying that you would never have gone ahead and had this baby if you had thought she would be so unsupportive, you are placing far too much responsibility for your own choices on her.

And you can absolutely do something about your isolation, which will in turn give you less time to brood on your mother and more support and sounding boards elsewhere. But I agree too with pps' points that quite a few of your complaints about your mother's lack of support should really be applied to your partner. And that you should not consider another child now.

I suppose what I'm saying is stop hanging all your isolation and struggle on your mother - own your own situation, and your own feelings, and work out how to change what can be changed. Best wishes.

Contacted 9 driving instructors, only one works weekends but isn't available for three weeks :(