AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

X post Ex Pat

Big hug op, you're having a rubbish time of it. As previous posters have suggested, accept your mum for what she is and see if you can get help from someone else for the night away. If not, I'd probably rather cancel. I don't think the support you're looking for is unreasonable or unusual but your mum just isn't willing to offer it. Focus your energy on meeting new friends at toddler groups and less time helping her. We're all nervous doing things like this for the first time. It might be easier if you check out the meet a mum board and meet someone local to you first. I met a few mums this way .

Don't wait to ask your hv what's going on.
Google toddler groups in your area now. You may even be able to go to something Tomorrow!
Wise words from many....do not have another baby.

Op...I'm 43 and don't have a social life!
I have 2 kids, a dh who works away and a frail elderly mother.
That takes up all my time and energy - but then again I spent my early 20s going out having a good time and traveling so I sort of feel been there, done that, which of course, you haven't.
2 things really stick out for me in your posts...
Why are you getting pg when you feel you can't cope with 1? If it's contraceptive failure than this needs sorting asap.
You mother isn't who you want her to be. She will not change so you need to change how you react to her. WHY are sorting stuff out for her?
WHY would you leave your child with her?
Please do talk to the hv, get out there and meet people. There a lots of mums who feel just as lonely as you do. You are not alone.
Also, check out the stately homes thread on mn for help in dealing with toxic parents.
Good luck x

I read a letter in the Times (I think) saying exactly that if you have kids you have to assume you will have grandparently duties at some point.

I will just say no to this. If you have kids, you do not have responsibility towards their kids too. You might like to be a hands-on grandparent but you don't have to be.

I have one child. He might go on to have four kids. I'm not looking after them! I stopped at one child for a reason!

Anyway I suspect that given your age, your mum may also be quite young and maybe simply doesn't feel ready to be a grandparent. Maybe she doesn't like small kids and will show more of an interest when your child is older? Maybe she will grow into being a grandparent? Give it time.

I would also think about reducing your hours at work so that you can go to toddler groups or something similar. It's not healthy to be stuck at home all the time. I work from home, but I go out running and swimming so I do get to see people. And my son is 13 which is not as isolating as having a toddler.

Oh and I'd rather look after a toddler than a cat!

And if you don't have a medical reason not to drive, learn. There is nothing so liberating as being able to drive.

Shazza it's MIL who is having my son two weeks after my birthday.

I know we could just take him but I don't really want to. I would like just to have a breather from my son. It makes me refreshed and happier to deal with him.

The really sad thing is, disabled FIL would sooner have him than my mum. But he just can't, he'd love to be able to walk,and have his own grandson.
Will take a step back from my mum just now and form a plan. This has made me realise I need it. If not for me, for my son. I'm starting to feel guilty, he isn't talking yet and I feel like its my fault because he doesn't get to see anybody to learn any words. I can't spend another year on my own with only my boyfriend and mum for company

And your boyfriend sounds like a dick

Urgh @her saying I told you so you really need to try and distance yourself regarding your son and stop doing her favours practise NO I am busy every time she wants you to fix her life .

Yes agree with Savage, another baby is likely to add a lot of stress right now. You're young, plenty time to think about more when this one is a bit older.

Your OH was foolish to book the trip without confirming childcare and you were wrong to presume your mum would step in just because she has the week off work. Your trip, your child, your childcare.

We've moved away from family and friends so for my recent birthday I went to an out of town shopping centre and spent an hour sat watching DD in soft play with DH and DS. We didn't go out on our own and I don't know when we would have an overnight without the children. DS is too little to be left so no evening out either.

For my birthday, DH got me a day away doing a craft workshop (a hobby I already do). He's having the children while I have time off. That's what you do when you have kids and no babysitters. We might like a night away with no children but that's not logistically possible. You need to realise that things change when you have children and you do have to sacrifice what you want to do, especially if you don't have a babysitter.

Would love to learn to drive, it's always been a passion to be a driving instructor but I have nobody to mind my child while I have a lesson! It's a never ending circle

Just had a thought - could your DP borrow a car for the overnight stay so that you could drive rather than get the bus? Would be easier to take DS that way.

No you cant you and your boy need to be out and about doing your own thing even if its a morning or 2 a week

Many people don' t have grandparent help. I didn't and didn't expect it either.
I think I am about your mum's age. My dcs are your age. If they were in your position I would be seriously worried. Not just the really entitled expectations re No 1, but also the very real chance that there will soon be a No 2 expecting free childcare. I wouldn't think helping you out in the way you expect, 36 hours babysitting with no warning, and no manners, was acceptable at all. I would think 'they will never grow up if I take this on.' Maybe if you showed more responsibility and maturity she would enjoy your company more. Perhaps you were hard work, and she is not ready for a repeat performance. Being a grandparent doesn't turn you into a martyr overnight, or a saint.

You could have driving lessons at the weekend/while your DP isn't working? It would be a great liberator for you.

I must admit I don't like the sound of your mum very much, though personally I would not want to look after an eighteen-month-old for two solid days, it is a lot harder when they aren't your own child. My dgd is two and a half and much easier to look after but I'm still not certain I would be up to two solid days of minding her.

I think, OP, you really need to deal with your depression and build up your friendship group, as well as to accept the reality of your life, instead of expecting your mum to be someone other than she is.

I didn't mean i'd have a child right now but i had a bad delivery and was told I would be sectioned nect time I had a child but I would have nobody to watch my other child while being sectioned! It's things like that that make it impossible to imagine ever having another one

Childminder so you can have your driving lessons? Is he 2 yet he can get a nursery place in scotland in certain circumstances ask your HV when they come he/you might meet the criteria

'My' time is in the evening when the kids are in bed. Find a hobby or group to get out to and your OH to look after the kids. Book club, dancing, crafts etc anything! Or watch a film with your OH, order pizza and have a date night at home!

If you can afford it, book some nursery hours to give you some time without your son too.

You need to find other ways to have a break that doesn't involve overnight childcare if you don't have that available to you.

It's things like that that make it impossible to imagine ever having another one - but you have had several miscarriages since giving birth? So you are not taking any steps to stop something which you realise would be difficult and inadvisable at this time. OP, you have really got to step up and take some responsibility for your life - and make your partner take some responsibility too. He sounds like some kind of accidental add-on to this whole scenario.

Weekend is a good idea but I thought prices would go up being it a weekend? Will double check that! Id never be at home if I was able to drive.
I don't expect childcare, and I certainly don't expect her to drop everything. I just assumed as it was my birthday and knowing the shit year I've had, she'd be happy to see me do something. I've said in previous post, she expects me to come running to her but won't do the same, not that I've expected her to run at all. The trip is over a Month ago, that's plenty of notice.

My mum is 48. She has said she's too old to babysit, despite MIL being 54 and doing it overnight then working the next day

I am listening to you all, just replying to certain comments. I don't think wanting a break for my birthday makes me a bad person, considering the last two birthdays were shit because I was pregnant, then turned 21 but had no friends to do anything with. But I feel like that's what you're all trying to say

You have done nothing wrong asking her to watch him only thing is your partner should have sorted a babysitter

I thought prices would go up being it a weekend? - well, you won't know if you don't ask! And does it matter if prices go up? You NEED to get out and do something for yourself! When you say you'd get out if you could drive, does your partner already have a car?

Also, in the nicest possible way, I think we have exhausted the subject of your mother now, you need to stop mentioning her shortcomings in every post! This almost obsessive focus on making everything her fault is neither true nor helpful to you.