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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding mum not helping more

365 replies

sellisx · 05/01/2016 12:21

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/01/2016 14:05

'I would love another baby but I actually cry at the thought of getting no help. That's not right surely?'

It's not right to have a child and expect others to do the childcare for it. Your social life is your responsibility, not your mother's. She made it very clear to you whilst you were pregnant that she was not going to be providing childcare. That does not make her a person with narcissistic personality disorder. I disliked the toddler/pre-school stage myself. I found it a hard stage with my own and I certainly won't (bar emergencies) have any toddler grandchildren I might have overnight.

I will make it very clear to mine, too, that I am not a go-to for childcare. Been there, done that, when mine are grown, I look forward to my freedom. Nights out? Haaahaaa. That only started happening fairly recently and I've been a parent for 12.5 years.

You are still expecting childcare of her and upset when it is not forthcoming.

You need to accept she will not provide childcare and take on board some of the other suggestions given here to carve your own social life and make friends.

Your boyfriend should have made childcare arrangements. If you have none and the trip is not refundable, then you take the son you have together with you or sell the trip. For many people, the days of lovely overnights as a couple come to halt when they have children, at least for a while.

Your social life takes a backseat when you have kids. As you are struggling with this, it's a really, really bad idea to have another baby.

YABVU.

ExitPursuedByABear · 05/01/2016 14:05

Where on earth are you going that takes 5 hours on a bus?

leb33 · 05/01/2016 14:06

I wouldn't want to leave my child with her tbh! Could you take little one with you? I know it's supposed to be a break but I realised a long time ago that children change your life, enjoy yourselves with them rather than exclude them.

Gazelda · 05/01/2016 14:06

Shock Your boyfriend was at work while you walked with DS to the hospital while miscarrying?! My God selisx I just want to reach out and hug you.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2016 14:07

And stop doing stuff for her. Definitely focus on your own family now and making the most of it.

specialsubject · 05/01/2016 14:07

suggested plan of campaign to take control:

  1. see GP to check for depression
  2. sort out contraception; you've had miscarriages since your son was born. You are in no shape or state for another baby. Please take great care not to get pregnant.
  3. forget about mum. It is what it is. Stop supporting her, she doesn't support you.
  4. get in touch with a baby group leader who will have a chat and be glad to introduce you. Then you know one person when you arrive and it goes from there.
ChatShitGetBanged · 05/01/2016 14:09

yanbu

I never understand why some grandparents are so disinterested and downright unsupportive :(

was a bit presumptious of your dp to book the break, he maybe should have asked before hand, but your mum is the unreasonable one

scarlets · 05/01/2016 14:09

I think that you need to distance yourself from this unpleasant relationship with your mother. No more favours for her, none for you. Be polite but remote.

Meanwhile, work on your own social life as PPs suggested. Your HV will be a good start. What about the wives and girlfriends of DP's friends? Any you particularly like?

Your boyfriend needs to ask his mum or sister about that overnight stay.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2016 14:10

'She isn't even there in an emergency, I've had to go into hospital with two different miscarriages, and had to take my son with me. Then got moaned at because he was being disruptive. Also had to take him when I was under sedation for dental work, I cried the whole walk home because I was so foggy and having to push a pram etc.'

I'm sorry but your OH should be the one to step in on such occasions. He doesn't sound very considerate.

MrsJayy · 05/01/2016 14:10

Have you told your mum how you feel ? I told mine how i feltyears ago didnt change her but cleared the air and helped me not to feel resentful and bitter this can eat you up

MrsJayy · 05/01/2016 14:13

And your sons dad sounds a twat he had a meeting so you trudged to hospital while you miscarried twice you deserve to be treated better

TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/01/2016 14:13

OP, I'm sorry you feel so rubbish Flowers

I think you need to make an appointment with your GP. It sounds like you still have a bit of PND and that's why you're finding everything so overwhelming and upsetting. Just getting things off your chest might help, and I think you should ask for some counselling to help you deal with your relationship with your mother. She sounds very disconnected from you and it sounds like you need some help learning how to cope with her (and possibly stopping contact, because it doesn't sound like she's a very healthy person to be around).

Please do ask your HV for some information about baby/toddler groups. Have you thought about classes too? Toddler gym or swimming or even softplay? They're all good ways to get out of the house and to meet new people.

I'm not in Scotland but if you want anyone to chat to, feel free to PM me anytime :)

NewLife4Me · 05/01/2016 14:15

Your mum doesn't sound very supportive but I have to say that some people don't have help with their children.

It was the same for me and dh, we moved miles from our family and what would have been a support network, lost friends etc.

When we decided to have children, we knew we were on our own and had no time away from them, ever.
This is what happens when you have children, if you have no support it is tough.
Your boyfriend shouldn't book things if you have no support network, simple as.

You should speak to your mum and friend though and clear the air so you don't become resentful.

mommy2ash · 05/01/2016 14:16

Op I had my dd at 21 and was a single parent. I didn't have a night out or a break for five years as that was the reality of my situation. You and your do sound quite immature you can't just book time away and expect others to fall in after the fact. You should never leave your child with someone who resents having them

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 14:18

No, no the blunt replies are what I need! I have spent too long feeling sorry for myself without doing something about it. I am already on medication for PND but it doesn't seem to be helping but thank you.
Me and my partner were only together for two monhs when I got pregnant so our relationship has been one huge strain and we've been tested to no end. He was the only person who could drive when he was at work on the day I needed the hospital so he had no choice but to stay.
I haven't told her how I feel, I've tried to but all I get is "I told you so"
I will ask HV about baby groups tomorrow, I've been stuck in a rut and you're all right, nobody can change that but me

OP posts:
user7755 · 05/01/2016 14:19

OP - you have had lots of advice (and bottom kicks) on here, I hope that you can see from this that you are not on your own. Whilst you still need to take control over your situation and change will only come from you, it is clear to me that there are lots of mums on here who have your back and hope for the best for you.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 14:19

Please don't have any more children until you sort yourself out OP, I mean this well but you seem very overwhelmed and I'd go to see your GP if I was you as something isn't right.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/01/2016 14:21

I'm with expat and special subject.
I do think you sound very young, younger even than your years (and so does your boyfriend - he makes a highly irresponsible impression from your posts and somehow seems not really to 'figure' in your life at all) and are clinging on to an idea of your mum that is unrealistic. FWIW dh and I have never had a night away together in over a decade of being parents, and have been out for lunch/dinner together without the dc a handful of times. And it's fine. It's the way it is. We do things together as a family. And we socialise separately. I think if that part of your life were OK you would be feeling less desperate. Some excellent suggestions here.

Original poster
sellisx · 05/01/2016 14:22

I didn't realise my mum would become so distant otherwise I would never of had a baby! Or if I lived miles away, I can understand not having any help and that would be different but she is just around the corner. Even without childcare, she doesn't even ask how I am. Despite knowing my struggles, I question whether or not she actually loves me. That's teribly sad and I would hate for my kids to feel that way about me

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/01/2016 14:22

If the medication isn't helping, go back and talk to your GP. There's no one-size-fits-all for anti-depressants, so if the medication you're using isn't working, go back and let them know so you can try something else.

What medication are you on at the moment?

MerdeAlor · 05/01/2016 14:22

*suggested plan of campaign to take control:

  1. see GP to check for depression
  2. sort out contraception; you've had miscarriages since your son was born. You are in no shape or state for another baby. Please take great care not to get pregnant.
  3. forget about mum. It is what it is. Stop supporting her, she doesn't support you.
  4. get in touch with a baby group leader who will have a chat and be glad to introduce you. Then you know one person when you arrive and it goes from there.*

This ^ time to get a plan OP.
Can I add that you can get a social life of your own in the evenings, join a club, learn a new skill. You will be sure to make friends and have a social circle.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2016 14:23

'He was the only person who could drive when he was at work on the day I needed the hospital so he had no choice but to stay.'

No, he did have a choice. That's a serious emergency. He expects others to take over his responsibility. This is not on. He needs to grow up.

You need to stop focusing on the shortcomings of your mother and start focusing on your OH's role in this family that is you, your OH and your son.

And please, please, please sort out some reliable contraception so you can get this all sorted before having another baby.

You are only 22. You have plenty of time to have another child.

Just leave your mother out of the equation. She is not there for childcare. That's the bottom line.

redjoker · 05/01/2016 14:23

She sounds like she has some 'needy' issues

Sorry youve had to go through all of these things with little support or help, i know its hard but you really must move heaven and earth to try and get a butter network of support as I doubt you will ever get it from her x

Hihohoho1 · 05/01/2016 14:23

Sweetheart the behaviour of your partner is far worse than your mums crap as she sounds.

You sound so low and deserve better.

Don't have another child yet. You have years to do that and your partner sounds selfish.

Concentrate on being the best mum you can to your ds and as others have said strike out to groups to make friends.

Don't hark after your past child free life, we never left ours overnight until the sleepover age at 12/13.

We were young parents too. Life changes so you have to change too.

Again really hate to say this but your partner sounds selfish and arrogant.

shazzarooney99 · 05/01/2016 14:23

When you have a child you make childcare arrangements then you go away, you dont make them then decide whats going to happen with the child.

Your mum has had her child rearing days, the fact she is also having your child two weeks after your birthday says something in itself.

If i were you i would take the child with you and make it a family holiday. Next time ask your partner to check childcare first.