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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still not want sex 9 months after giving birth?

79 replies

chumbler · 03/01/2016 09:31

My dh is being a saint about it, but I do feel guilty. I just don't fancy it, at all. My periods still haven't returned (I bf) but I feel like they'll be back soon, so hoping that'll help. And i had a 4th degree tear so it was a bit painful, but much better last time we tried. I also feel like being with baby 24/7 (due to bf - and feedibg to sleep etc) doesn't really put me in the mood! Aibu to not be interested in sex?

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 03/01/2016 09:33

While I was bf and had no period I had no libido whatsoever either. When they came back, so did my libido.

Osolea · 03/01/2016 09:36

YANBU, breastfeeding is a killer for libido. I found both times that when I stopped bfing I was back to wanting sex within a week.

Griphook · 03/01/2016 09:38

Have you had aftercare for your 4th degree? There can be quite long term complications. But no considering how much pain and time needed to heal yanbu

MrsH1989 · 03/01/2016 09:40

I don't think yabu but I do feel for your DH. Having said that I only had a graze and it was still a little painful after 3 months. I don't believe in forcing myself to please my DH sexually however I do find that when I have been ill and lacking a libido, just doing it the once tends to encourage the sex drive to emerge from the depths :)

FayKorgasm · 03/01/2016 09:41

YANBU. Bf is a libido killer for a lot of women.

DyslexicScientist · 03/01/2016 09:41

Yanbu we are all different.

You don't have to do a divina.

What is your diet like?

MummaV · 03/01/2016 09:44

I've found my libido is really low (Dd is almost 9 months) but once I get into it I'm into it. It's just the getting started that is beyond me. I'm so tired foreplay just seems like a lot of effort at the moment! I had a third degree tear and episiotomy and found for the first few months the fear of pain definitely put me off but after the first or second time it was fine. And I'm ff not bf so not sure on the implications of that to libido.

I hope it gets better but you are definitely not being unreasonable to not be interested in sex at the moment. Having a baby is draining on relationships at the best of times.

rageagainsttheBIL · 03/01/2016 09:45

YANBU, but I would keep trying occasionally if you can muster the enthusiasm. The more I did it (after about 5 months) the easier and less painful I found it and I generally found once we "got going" I even enjoyed it.

OpheliaMoo · 03/01/2016 09:48

11m here and still BF'ing although back to work very soon and think I'll have to stop. I don't fancy sex at all, I too feel bad for DH!

cleaty · 03/01/2016 10:09

Your DH will manage. Don't have sex until you want to.

ilovesooty · 03/01/2016 10:17

I do know of a few couples who've never had sex again though. Do you not think that's a little simplistic cleaty?

Of course people shouldn't feel pressure to move too quickly but presumably in a loving relationship it will be discussed?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 03/01/2016 10:23

It will come back OP....but don't worry about it. It took me about 4 years to fully get back to normal!

Anomaly · 03/01/2016 10:27

Are you still affectionate with each other? No sex fair enough but if he's not getting cuddles etc then in his shoes I'd be hurt. Sometimes when babies are little you can forget you're getting loads of affection from them while your partner less so.

MNetter15 · 03/01/2016 11:21

I physically couldn't have sex until I stopped BF (after 12 months). Tmi warning:

My vagina was tight/closed, I couldn't get at all aroused and was dry. It came back pretty much instantly once I stopped.

I think it's mother natures way of preventing another pregnancy.

Moopsboopsmum · 03/01/2016 12:59

Hi OP, I had a fourth degree tear and dual incontinence (?) and BF until my DC was 12 months. I don't think we DTD until about 14 months after the birth. Unfortunately, it is still very sporadic as I have never had any damage checked by a Gynae as I am too scared of doctors etc now. DC is 4 years old now and an only. If you have concerns please get them checked out sooner rather than later. My poor DH is still around but I'm not sure for how long.

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 13:04

I also found that BF killed my libido after DS1, at least until I got my period back.

Now we have DTs who are 8.5mo and terrible terrible sleepers. Really not interested in sex at all but I feel awful for my DH so I do try to muster up enthusiasm when I can.

I think BFing can lead to everything being quite dry and a bit uncomfortable so lube is a good plan.

Fratelli · 03/01/2016 13:20

I've stopped breastfeeding apart from the morning feed and still have no libido. Baby is 10.5 months. I still do have sex and enjoy it but never feel like it until we start.

Fratelli · 03/01/2016 13:22

moops please get to a doctor. It will be worth it. You are probably thinking it's worse than it actually will be. for you

BertieBotts · 03/01/2016 13:25

It took me about a year to feel back to normal down there. But things were also compounded by the fact that my son's father wasn't great at making me feel safe and supported. :(

SuperCee7 · 03/01/2016 13:31

I was off sex after having LO. My libido didn't return once I stopped breastfeeding either and 2 years after that it's stil not back. I have no drive what so ever. It's depressing.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/01/2016 13:33

I think it's odd to post about such a sensitive subject in AIBU. But since you've asked YABU.

Lack of intimacy is very negative in a relationship. I would hate it if my Dh didnt want sex with me for 9 months and counting.

It isn't easy when you have had a baby, breast feeding, and so tired, but it's one if those things that gets better with practice IMO, in terms of wanting sex. The more you don't do it, the less you want it.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 03/01/2016 13:36

I can't answer if it's "normal" or not, but it seems like others have had similar experiences!

I don't think anyone should be pressured into sex, ever. However, I also think it's unfair to expect a partner to live a chaste existence.

Could you try compromising maybe? So rule out penetrative sex until you're feeling physically ready, but be willing to kiss, stroke, and get each other off in other ways? Or at least him, if the idea of having things done to you doesn't appeal.

I do believe that the longer you leave being intimate, the more and more difficult it is to get back into it.

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 13:40

The more you don't do it, the less you want it.

This is definitely true for me, especially at the moment where sleep trumps sex every time.

Moopsboopsmum · 03/01/2016 14:19

Throughthick do you understand what serious birth injuries actually are? Just asking because your post is a bit patronising and inappropriate to the OP's situation. Thanks Fratelli, we have left the UK since the birth and where I currently am has no public health system and insurance won't cover previous injuries. My DH is a lovely, patient man and we have a gorgeous DC. And it has got a bit better over time.
But I would urge the OP to go and see her GP and get checked out because I regret not doing so.

OohMavis · 03/01/2016 14:28

It was a year before we had sex after DS. I had a torn muscle in my fanjo (can't remember the medical term for it now, but it was fucking excruciating), I breastfed and like you, my period didn't return for a while.

It was the perfect storm for a long, sexless year. My libido didn't actually return until he was 2, until a week after I stopped breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is nature's moodkiller I swear.

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