Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To still not want sex 9 months after giving birth?

79 replies

chumbler · 03/01/2016 09:31

My dh is being a saint about it, but I do feel guilty. I just don't fancy it, at all. My periods still haven't returned (I bf) but I feel like they'll be back soon, so hoping that'll help. And i had a 4th degree tear so it was a bit painful, but much better last time we tried. I also feel like being with baby 24/7 (due to bf - and feedibg to sleep etc) doesn't really put me in the mood! Aibu to not be interested in sex?

OP posts:

Marilynsbigsister · 03/01/2016 15:06

If it's a question of actual physical pain when attempting PIV sex, then Of course YANBU. However there is a big difference between that and 'don't fancy it' . It is many many years ago now, but my first marriage ended because I didn't fancy it, and wouldn't make the effort... My lovely ex-Dh was patient, so patient. I had every excuse under the sun not to do it. I absolutely loved him but babies just took all my emotional energy leaving nothing for him. When I went to bed, I just wanted to sleep. It was very selfish. I justified it as 'focussing on the children'. He waited 18 months, he didn't push but made the usual loving overtures - all of which I rejected. He eventually left me before He had an affair but could not live in a celibate relationship.

The reality is that children put a hand grenade into the middle of a relationship and far from bringing a couple closer together, this time with young children is the time most likely to blow the marriage apart. It may be old fashioned to say 'fake it till you make it' but making the unilateral decision to remove intimacy from a relationship can have dire consequences.
I have been remarried a long time now. There are no such problems in this relationship - but then again, we have never had young children/babies together and are therefore more focussed on each other.

RubbleBubble00 · 03/01/2016 15:17

if it's painful then you need to see a doctor. I have to agree about faking till you make it. We started with sex dates after dc3 - I was struggling 9 months in too.

I made effort that we snuggled on sofa ect as I'm guilty of withdrawing if I thought it would lead to sex. Then set a night every 2 weeks where we would either have sex or me pleasure him - sounds cave mannish but dh needed to feel connected to me and he did this with sex.

it was onerous at first and didn't really enjoy sex but making a set time to have relations really helped.

if found early evening works best for me once I've got kids in bed asleep. I'm not too tired as I would be by 10.

Get dh to do something nice for you too. Take a bath together, nice back rub ect

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 03/01/2016 15:28

If it's pain your worried about would you use Xylocaine jelly. This will numb the area until you feel confident it will not hurt.

This is up to do though and IMO I think it takes about a year to get a sex life back to normal.

With sleep deprivation and learning to be a parent can take a toll of you and sometimes sex is the last thing on your mind.

Haggisfish · 03/01/2016 17:08

If bf is causing vaginal dryness, which I found it did until my periods returned, you can get an oestrogen cream to apply to reduce this effect, use stacks of lubricant and the numbing cream. None of this made it any easier for me tbh-I pleasured dh as I felt really bad for him and stopped bf dc2 earlier (9 months) because it was causing issues between us tbh. And dc2 wasn't as bothered about feeding as dc1.

Elendon · 03/01/2016 17:25

A 4th degree tear is a serious thing, not just a bit of pain. The tear has gone into the anal sphincter and is a nightmare to stitch up. Forceps are needed to facilitate good stitching. It's multilayered.

Breast feeding does not kill your libido, once established. You are 9 months post birth and presumably, your baby is now on solids, so not breastfeeding so much.

I would get back pretty damn quick to the GP and Health visitor to ask to be checked.

I do wonder how your bowel movements are. You do not have to endure pain during penis in vagina intercourse. Nor should you be using numbing agents to facilitate it. I would horrified if my partner thought it was fine to do this.

Elendon · 03/01/2016 17:30

And a man can actually feel connected to a woman without the need to have sex with her.

Haggisfish · 03/01/2016 17:39

Elendon, bf certainly can kill libido, even when established. And yes, of course a man can feel connected without sex, but for many men (and women) a physical relationship is a very important part of their relationship.

Elendon · 03/01/2016 17:45

Of course it is. But if he'd had prostate surgery, testicular cancer, would he be allowed to have a bit of time to recover?

HackerFucker22 · 03/01/2016 17:48

I am still bf'ing and we co sleep (DC is nearly 1) and we manage once a month if that. I have no libido and still have 2st of baby weight to lose so I feel unattractive as well as asexual.

I still haven't had a period.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 03/01/2016 17:53

Elendon Her dp isn't complaining, the op posted I suspect for advice.

The op doesn't have to take the suggestions. It's her body and her choice.

But there are options if she wishes to have sex.

thegiddylimit · 03/01/2016 17:55

I have been pregnant or BFing for about 9 years (how did that happen?). After each child (we have 3) I didn't really fancy sex until they were well over 2, I presume because of the BFing/general tiredness. After only one of them was there any pain during sex. DH was understanding about it, we did cuddle lots and he knew to wait for me to initiate sex. But after 2.5 years something clicked and I suddenly got randy again and now we are having as much sex as we did at the beginning of our relationship. So it is a case of wait, try and be as physically affectionate as possible, get as much sleep as possible and if the relationship is otherwise OK it will come back. Morning sex was better for us because we were less tired but of course you need to be awake before the children come in!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 03/01/2016 17:57

I have to agree about faking till you make it.

Agree

for many men (and women) a physical relationship is a very important part of their relationship

Agree

The more you don't do it, the less you want it.

Agree

children put a hand grenade into the middle of a relationship and far from bringing a couple closer together, this time with young children is the time most likely to blow the marriage apart

Agree

use stacks of lubricant

Agree

I have no experience of a 4th degree tear but for anyone else who didn't but is still off sex then this is my advice.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 03/01/2016 18:01

Also, in my case, it was a case of my head wanting to have sex but my body not being quite so up for it at first. I'm happy to report that our sex life is now better than ever [smug imoticon] [sorry].

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 18:31

Breast feeding does not kill your libido, once established.

Sorry, but I (and other posters above) have to disagree with this.

I don't think it's a co-incidence that my libido returned when my periods did, at 7.5 mo postpartum with DS1. If I hadn't been breastfeeding I expect that would have been different.

I am now 8.5 mo into BFing DTs and no sign of a period and zero sex drive. I've had 2 EMCSs as well so I have had no tears and no episiotomies.

It probably doesn't help that I have 3 children under 2.5 - 1 who likes to hang out of me and 2 who feed from me 5-7 times in 24 hours.

If I ever have any downtime I like to lie down by myself in a darkened room

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 18:32

^^ I meant, if I hadn't been breastfeeding I'd have expected my periods to return earlier

uniquehornsonly · 03/01/2016 18:39

Am I the only person a bit at the idea of numbing your fanjo and faking pleasure just so a "loving" male partner can shag a woman who doesn't want it?

If you have no libido, you don't want to have sex. That's it. It's fair enough to try lots of things to kickstart your libido, which might include foreplay, etc. But if it's not happening, it's not happening, and any decent partner would stop at that point.

Only a complete knob would have sex with a woman who he knows does not want sex.

megletthesecond · 03/01/2016 18:41

Oh my god, you've had a 4th degree tear. Of course Yanbu.

Have you been back to the gp and checked it really is ok or are you due to been seen by a consultant? Please don't put it off.

Elendon · 03/01/2016 18:41

Do you have a fourth degree tear into your anal sphincter?

No wonder you're tired, you're tired with three under 2.5 years old.

I never had stitches, some minor tearing. Breastfed all three for the first three weeks, and despite no period returning, couldn't wait to get back in the sack smug emotion

I'm suggesting to the OP not to use numbing agents until she has had the tear check out. Because you know, I actually care about her and don't want her back on here in 5 years time complaining about double incontinence and having to go in to have a pelvic sling inserted.

Sex can wait. Get yourself sorted and you and hubby will be happier for it.

Elendon · 03/01/2016 18:42

Sorry that post was to TheEagle

Lightbulbon · 03/01/2016 18:45

If DP had had that many stitches on his penis do you think he'd want sex?

No one should be having sex they don't want. And any partner that pressurises an unwilling partner is an arse.

Bubbletree4 · 03/01/2016 18:47

It's likely due to breastfeeding.

I'd set a date to finish breastfeeding that you are happy with (eg 12 months, baby can have cows milk then) and then start having sex with lube, get back into it so that it doesn't turn into a massive rut.

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 18:49

Yikes elendon, there's no need to be so snippy with me.

I said in my post that I have no experience of tears or episiotomies. Agreed that the OP should seek further medical care for the physical elements of her worries.

But there is no denying that the hormonal elements at play when BFing, along with the associated vaginal dryness, can lead to lower libido for some women.

TheEagle · 03/01/2016 18:52

And am I reading your post correctly when you say you breastfed for 3 weeks? If so, then you surely can't comment on the hormonal effect that breastfeeding has at 9 months post partum. (Sorry if I read your post incorrectly)

VagueIdeas · 03/01/2016 18:53

A fourth degree tear is a big deal. It's a potentially life changing injury with long term implications for continence as well as sex.

So YANBU OP. Not at all.

I "only" had a third degree tear and found penetration excruciatingly painful. Basically, such a long period of abstinence, plus the stitching, made everything so tight it was like being a born again virgin. One option was to get vaginal dialators in increasing sizes to gradually stretch things out again. I decided to buy a slim sex toy because I figured I may as well make it fun instead of clinical

Anyway, I'd say two years after the birth, sex didn't hurt anymore.

Had an ELCS with baby #2. He's nearly eight months old and we still haven't had sex yet. It's tiredness plus "the less you have the less you want" (whoever said that is spot on).

FindingNormal · 03/01/2016 18:57

I could have written your post op. I bf my 8mo and have zero sex drive. We've done it twice with no gusto. Doesn't help that I'm massive and my boobs are big dangly milk machines

Flip

1 2 3 4