To still not want sex 9 months after giving birth?

[chumbler]

My dh is being a saint about it, but I do feel guilty. I just don't fancy it, at all. My periods still haven't returned (I bf) but I feel like they'll be back soon, so hoping that'll help. And i had a 4th degree tear so it was a bit painful, but much better last time we tried. I also feel like being with baby 24/7 (due to bf - and feedibg to sleep etc) doesn't really put me in the mood! Aibu to not be interested in sex?

With dc4 whilst bf I absolute did not want sex, especially whilst feeding exclusively. Came flooding back (so to speak) once I'd stopped

YADNBU. As mentioned (by some) a 4th degree tear is a major birth trauma. If you feel pain or discomfort, don't have penetrative sex. If you don't feel like sex, don't have sex. And following your injury, definitely don't use numbing agents OR give it a go for the sake of it.

DO go and get yourself checked medically and make sure the healing process is on course. Also ask about future health.

Eagle with my third child it was 14 months, but it wasn't exclusively after six months and so my periods had returned by then, because he was feeding on solids.

Regardless, I was horny, I was feeling fertile and powerful after my births and yes, tired too, but no more than after a 12 hour working day in the city before I became a SAHM, after no two.

My older sister had a third degree tear, so I know about such things and she breastfed too, very successfully. Her husband, my BIL, who is a lovely man, did not in anyway pressure her for sex, not until she was totally ok with the healing (the repair actually helped because she had had a large episiotomy after her first). Sex was she said gentle and tender when they did it again, after about 10 months - she was given time to heal properly. They are celebrating their 35th anniversary soon.

I'm not sure why you're picking me out here elendon, I've said nothing to suggest I think the OP should "give in" to sex nor have I recommended numbing agents.

Lots and lots of other posters have said they felt BFing affected their libido.

Fwiw, I don't think the OP is BU and I certainly don't think anyone should feel pressured into sex for any reason.

My DH is an amazing man too and endlessly patient and considerate.
for you OP, it's not easy recovering from pregnancy and birth and it can be hard to regain your mojo for lots of reasons.

Aside from having no libido I feel about as sexy as a birthing cow. And feel like I look like one too. The unfairness surrounding my body is having just as much of a negative effect.

And to the PP who was about posting this in AIBU - have you seen half the shite in this section. It's not UR to ask the question at all!

I think that it simply boils down the reason. No one hear is suggesting for one moment that a woman should have PIV if they find it uncomfortable or painful. That would be ridiculous. The issue being discussed is 'lack of libido' and 'not being in the mood'. It comes down to what you want and the realistic outcome of a prolonged (years) of no intimacy in a relationship. There will no doubt be an outcry from a certain element that a man should wait no matter how long, for his wife to be 'ready' to resume sexual relations. The sad fact of life is, that with no pressure, most mothers of young children/babies would be happy not to even think about it for a couple of years. That is their right. It's true. No one can argue with a woman's unarguable right of autonomy over her own body. However, that right has to be considered with the likely consequence of a prolonged loss of intimacy when the decision to not have sex is one sided, not related to physical health and open ended.

Woman in a traditional relationship are often consumed with love for their new offspring, breast feeding only enhances that exclusivity between mother and child. The exclusion that men often feel in the early years of child rearing is not helped by breast feeding having a negative effect on libido - increasing the mans feeling of detachment from the family unit. It is therefore no surprise (and I am not saying it's right) that many men will have affairs at this time. Using the 'my wife is frigid/doesn't love me/is interested in me' excuse to justify such behaviour. If faking it till you make it, rekindles your sense of intimacy with each other, it is surely worth a shot. But all said and done, if you really don't want to dtd, then don't. Tell him it's a none starter and let him make the decision about how he wants to conduct his life.

Hear =here

YANBU, especially as you had a severe tear. I had DD2 7months ago, it was a very straightforward birth with only a 2nd degree tear and I am very rarely in the mood for it. Tiredness, not feeling attractive (even though dp insists he does find me attractive), loss of confidence when it comes to my 'skills' in the bedroom department, a particularly stressful year, are all contributing factors for me. After reading this thread breastfeeding is probably playing a part too, plus I'm on the implant and I don't get periods yet. Oh and I keep getting thrush which I'm sure is related to bf/contraception combination. So yeah, quite a lot of 'barriers' to overcome for me and many other women I'm assuming.

We do have sex, but not often - it's usually me sorting him out as I don't want to be touched. Anything sexual is usually him initiating it, sometimes I reject his advances but rightly or wrongly sometimes I grit my teeth and sort him out as I don't want him to feel rejected. I do think there is something in the phrase "the less you do it the less you want it" but even when I do do it, I don't really find myself 'wanting it' any more than I did before. Hoping things improve in time, our relationship is great in pretty much every other way, but since having a second DC the physical side is a struggle.

Don't do anything you really don't want to do. Keep communication lines open with your DH on this matter and understand where you're both coming from.

I had a low libido with bf. That combined with being knackered and 2 pelvic floor prolapses - I just wasn't feeling my best....

Also, all day I would have a baby at the breast, an older baby hanging around my neck and a toddler in constant physical contact too. There is no physical space at all. The last thing I'd want is another person pawing at my body.

However, dh was patient but his testicles were dragging on the floor behind him. I would have sex and appear keen but my heart wasn't in it. I was just too tired.

It is great for strengthening your pelvic floor though - so that kept me going (physio recommended this!).

I think you do need to do it - partners can feel very left out. They love you and crave physical contact. I'd recommend telling your partner that a very quick quicky is welcome.

If you're still in pain from the tear I think you should go get it checked out. I don't think you should use numbing lubricant, surely that would risk not realising if you were causing more problems?

Otherwise, I do think if you aren't physically suffering you should try to make an effort at least now and again - with the understanding that you can stop if you're not enjoying it. I think men can be long suffering, but physical contact and sex is very important in a relationship - I think they need to know you're still into them and that you are still in the relationship too. That said its never right for a man to demand sex if the woman's not up for it. I just think there has to be mutual giving from each party.

I couldn't breastfeed. Ds is 7 months I have no libido. Don't pressure yourself o.p you owe your dp nothing look after you.

I can't believe people are suggesting you use numbing agents and have sex you don't want. Have sex when you're ready op, you don't owe your partner sex.
Numbing agents and sex you don't want and are physically not able for - no.

But within a marriage or equivalent relationship, a partner basically is 'owed' sex and if that is not on the agenda at all, then expect things to change quite radically.

I still have next to no libido 3+ years after DS2 was born, and 14m after ceasing to breastfeed. Fair enough though, I wasn't that sexually driven before I had DC! Occasionally (about once every 3m) I do get a real urge, and DH is always receptive - but other than that, no. I'm also experiencing a lot of skin fragility around my vulva at the moment, which isn't helping - and when it's sore, there's no way I'm going near DH. Luckily for me, his libido isn't massive either (although way more than mine) so he's not too persistent and has always been very good about not pressurising me. Every now and then he'll ask if I'm up for it, and if I can bear the thought, I'll agree; if not, or the skin is sore, I'll say no and that's ok.

Hormones definitely affect my libido though - I was on the OC pill for several years (until I found out it had the potential to kill me - clot issues) and it definitely reduced my already not-that-high libido.

I don't think anyone is "owed" sex in a marriage, unless it's ok with both partners though.

Exactly the same as VagueIdea, I had 3rd degree tear and episiotomy in May, felt like I'd been stitched up entirely and have to use dilators and still having physio. My physio is the nicest and most understanding HCP I've encountered through pregnancy and delivery, I'd definitely recommend seeking help OP. She seems really invested in wanting to help me in the bedroom, ha! In a non-creepy way of course, that sounded a bit weird.
I'm definitely hoping for an ELCS next time!!!

I found the women's health physio to be very kind and understanding too, Bendy. The gynae on the other hand, examined me and when I nearly jumped off the bed in pain, said it was only two fingers - as if to say why are you making such a fuss. And then said it was all my fault for not attempting sex sooner: "Your poor husband"

This was a female gynae as well.

The physio said if the gynae had any experience of tearing all the way to her sphincter, maybe she wouldn't have been so unsympathetic

Your are not bu.... But not everyone can live in a sex less relationship in the long-term.
Sex usually helps scar tissue become stretchier. As already mentioned sex is good for the pelvic floor, orgasms even better.

Thank you all for your replies. It's comforting to know im not alone, but am sorry to see so many others suffering too! There's definitely some truth in fake it til you make it.

elendon you said Breast feeding does not kill your libido, once established. You are 9 months post birth and presumably, your baby is now on solids, so not breastfeeding so much

I couldn't not pass some comment on that. What a load of rubbish. I don't think it's very helpful to spout rubbish on things you obviously don't understand very well. I know that bf is a natural contraceptive and actually most babies only start reducing milk feeds after 10 months if weaned at 6 months, so my baby is still taking as much as ever.

Thank you all

Breast feeding killed my libido. Me and DH didn't have sex until about 13-14 months after DS arrived and even then I wasn't massively bothered. DS is now 22 months and still BF. I think me and DH have probably had sex about ten times in the last year.

I'm ok once we get into it but I have no desire for it. DH probably does feel a bit irked by it all but he knows that if I don't want sex there's not much he can do about it. He's wonderfully understanding and not pushy about the issue at all.

I'm slightly surprised that nobody has asked whether you are using any other contraception apart from BF - e.g. minipill? That killed my libido absolutely stone dead.

What I don't understand is that people don't seem to be making a distinction between penetrative sex, and sexual relations overall. Just because someone might not be physically ready for sex, that doesn't mean that all sexual contact whatsoever has to stop.

Obviously if there are still elements of physical discomfort around any sort of penetration, then penetrative sex is going to be off the agenda.

However, there are a crap ton of other sexual things that a couple can do together whilst waiting for a full recovery. I would be totally understanding if my husband couldn't/wasn't willing to have sex for a year after a major problem, but I would be decidedly unimpressed if that meant literally no sexual contact AT ALL.

I took the OP's post to mean that there were no sexual relations happening between them at all, due to the lack of drive on her part. Is that wrong? Was this purely about literal sex?

I can't see what the problem would be if the OP and her partner stuck to hands and mouths, or whatever worked for them in the meantime.

chumbler - er....breast feeding isn't a particularly effective natural contraceptive. Plenty of people get pregnant whilst breast feeding.

Haha gooness that's definitely true! I meant that it naturally suppresses horniness to avoid pregnancy when already caring for a baby. Kellymom website has info on LAM where I'm sure it said that exclusive bf, before 6 months (or before solids), on demand day and night = I think it was 98 or 99% effective against pregnancy

Chumbler But I do understand it well. I stopped breastfeeding my third child at 14 months. He was only doing night/comfort feeds by then. He was introduced to solids by 6 months and by 9 months the breast feeding had dropped off considerably to adjunct feeding - for meals, a little beforehand and a little after.

And I breastfed and didn't have a drop in my libido, apart from the normal adjustments to giving birth and establishing breast feeding (which is bloody painful in the first weeks).

No one should use breast feeding as a contraceptive. And at nine months your child should be introduced, well on the way, to solids.

But if you want to dismiss my comments as a load of rubbish then so be it. I'd concentrate on the 4th degree tear you suffered and establish that all is fine in your pelvic region.

through

what a bizarre and stupid post. One can only at its writer.

Op it took me a year, my DH loves me, this is what love and marriage is. we are fine 8 years on.