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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 02/01/2016 22:55

Bit late to the party thing but I think your invitation was a bit "we're asking you but not really asking you" (not so much that a normal person might take offence, but if someone was feeling touchy/hungover might provoke a less than enthusiastic reply)

His reply - is it not possibly that he has just horribly & hopelessly misjudged his audience and how his comment would be received?

AyeAmarok · 02/01/2016 22:55

I also think he meant to send the message to his wife and then panicked and left.

Bogeyface · 02/01/2016 23:07

I think he replied thinking he was sending it to his wife, and then left when he realised that he had sent it to the group.

Would love to be a fly on the wall when his wife realises!

Cutthegra55 · 02/01/2016 23:14

Life changes when people start to have babies in a friends group. Often the new parents can be quite boring, and self absorbed. I undertand that life has changed dramitically, sometimes a time out is needed for everyone to accept their pals are no longer footless and fancy free.

The response was rude from him though, would like to hear the other side of the story. (As I would with most ops on a forum)

Bluebird79 · 02/01/2016 23:15

Wow - this guy sounds like a total prick. If they are mid/late 30's and still doing the "rather get bladdered than have kids" routine, they need to grow up. And I guarantee this couple are not on the same page regarding this. In any event, bad manners are never funny, just hurtful.

Jw35 · 02/01/2016 23:17

Ride beyond belief. When you have kids they become a massive part of your life, friends who don't get that and don't accept your new lifestyle aren't worth having. When people say 'people who don't like kids' I don't see my kids as just kids, they're part of the family! I would take it personally every time

ToothlessAndPointless · 02/01/2016 23:20

Enough with the infertility excuses!

He's a rude idiot.

Your invite was fine.

I think the wife is avoiding you. My phone flashes up a WA message on my lock screen and I can dismiss it without WA checking me in as online. So I reckon she's seen it, knows what her knobhead partner has done and it just wondering what to do or say to you.

RubyWoooo · 02/01/2016 23:33

You are not being PFB.

He is a cretin.

TheBriscoesLady · 02/01/2016 23:35

OP, you sound awesome and I kinda wish I knew you. I sent the exact same sort of message in the exact same sort of tone as you did when I had DS1, self deprecating and in full knowledge that if you were childless then really, why would you?

I sent it because the party was a celebration of 'fucking hell, me, DH and DS survived a WHOLE YEAR together even though not one of us knew what the fuck we were doing'. Even childless friends were happy to attend because they knew, knowing me and DH, the booze would be flowing and there were laughs to be had.

The guy is a douche, and when eventually he has his own baby and wants to celebrate milestones with his mates, smile wryly and present him with a screen shot of this whatsapp conversation Grin

TamaraLamara · 02/01/2016 23:46

You're very close friends. You've known each other for years.

So why on earth haven't you just called/texted to say 'bit confused about your message in the whatsapp group - was it meant as a joke or do you really think it sounds shit?'

if you're at the level of intimacy of collecting their medication for them, why can't you just ask outright how the comment was intended?

smellsofelderberries · 02/01/2016 23:49

That's really appalling!! YADNBU. But then my DH is the sort who would like to go to that sort of thing as that's what you do for friends, and he enjoys the (admittedly limited) times he sees friends' kids.

Permanentlyexhausted · 02/01/2016 23:56

It's a very rude response.

Although your invite did twice suggest they might not be interested in just two short sentences so perhaps he felt you were only being polite and didn't really want them there. Doesn't excuse the rudeness though.

p.s. I haven't read the whole thread so no idea if this has been mentioned before.

19lottie82 · 02/01/2016 23:56

" If they are mid/late 30's and still doing the "rather get bladdered than have kids" routine, they need to grow up."

Ermmmmm....... What? So if someone makes the decision not to have kids because they prefer having a social life then they need to "grow up"? I don't think so! That's just a choice! It doesn't make them better or worst than anyone else!

leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:18

I also think he meant to message wife
to be fair though he was being honest - and probably not meaning to send it to the group - so is he really being rude?
a bit of a dick yes but not deliberately rude I'd think
maybe you can get some revenge

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:20

RESPONSE FROM WIFE!!!

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday
OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 03/01/2016 00:20

I agree that the guy must have meant to send it to his wife. Doesn't make sense otherwise. Super awkward, but I'd forgive if he apologises. The wording of the invite comes across as a bit pass agg/low self esteemy to me I'm afraid.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:21

Not sure what to say... Will sleep on it! I don't really want him there now.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 03/01/2016 00:21

Oh haha I guess it was banter (or the wife is styling it out). Well that's good I guess??

Bogeyface · 03/01/2016 00:23

I still think that he thought he was messaging his wife, and she is saving him.

I would let it go but when they are there, hand him a drink and say "I only gobbed in your tea once, so its not that shit!" har har.....and make sure you did indeed gob in his tea :)

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:26

I guess so mello but still feel a bit peed off... Don't know whether to say 'ha! Don't worry though, I know husband would hate it, I'll catch up with you in the week' or something along those lines...

OP posts:
hesterton · 03/01/2016 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:27

I just want to make him realise he took bantering a bit too far.. And I genuinely believe wife will be dragging him here.

OP posts:
TamaraLamara · 03/01/2016 00:27

I still don't understand why you can't just have an honest conversation with them about it. Tell them that you didn't get that he was trying to be funny and it seemed really rude.

You've known them for 15 years. Surely you can have honest conversations with them? There must have been misunderstandings in the past that you managed to resolve.

leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:28

I think I'd reply something like - it's only shit if I make the guests change nappies
or something.. and sort of run with it.. but feel absolutely fine to get my own back on their arrival in some way

Evabeaversprotege · 03/01/2016 00:29

There's a difference in not being a "social butterfly" as his wife puts it Hmm and being a downright arrogant cocky arsehole.

I wouldn't want him there.

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