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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 02/01/2016 22:24

And FWIW I'm not especially child friendly and at one stage this would have been the equivalent of some awful Purgatory for me but never in my wildest dreams would I have written that comment and then left the group like some kind of gigantic arse.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:28

Yes moon I'm intrigued to know why you said you are the wife? Come back!

OP posts:
Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:30

My DH wants to uninvite him even if his wife replies with 'sorry husband being a dick, we'll be there' - it's peed him off and he's usually very tolerant of his mate's dickheadedness...

OP posts:
EffieIsATrinket · 02/01/2016 22:33

I thought that had gone out with the ark Hester but stand corrected.

I wouldn't uninvite him OP on this occasion but I'd make it the last time they were invited to a child-centred party or celebration.

M48294Y · 02/01/2016 22:37

"Having said that my money's on him intending it to be seen by only his wife and then realising his error, and leaving the group because he was rightly mortified."

Yes, I agree Hester.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2016 22:37

My DH wants to uninvite him even if his wife replies with 'sorry husband being a dick, we'll be there'

Couldn't you just ring him up and tell him why you're upset? If it was misunderstood banter he'll probably be hugely apologetic and if not you can decide whether or not you want to be spending time with him in the future.

Gruntfuttock · 02/01/2016 22:37

OMFG! How many more times are people going to suggest they're having fertility issues? Angry FFS why can't you trust what the OP says? He's just extremely rude, that's all.

HesterShaw · 02/01/2016 22:38

I thought that had gone out with the ark Hester but stand corrected.

Oh right. No wonder it failed then.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 02/01/2016 22:38

Actually, although he and his wife may say they're not TTC they might be struggling with infertility. DH and I don't want our problems broadcast to our entire social circle, so when some people ask us whether we want children we pooh-pooh the idea to mask our pain and discourage further discussion. In reality, we are undergoing IVF and having a horrible time of it Sad

Your friend is clearly being rude, but he may have just got some heartbreaking news - I've been horrible and insensitive to people following my own disappointments (although I've always apologised afterwards).

Of course, there's always the chance he's just a knob!

HesterShaw · 02/01/2016 22:40

And just for the record, I wasn't suggesting they had fertility issues! Fertility issues don't make people into obnoxious bellends. I was simply reminding people that you don't necessarily know if even close friends are having problems until they choose to share it with you. Which they might not.

Marmitelover55 · 02/01/2016 22:40

I think he was very rude and you ANBU, but I'm not sure about the fertility issues. She asked you to pick up her pills but surely these could be any pills not necessarily contraceptive pills. And you didn't look in the bag.

paxillin · 02/01/2016 22:40

His tone might have been somewhat rude, the sentiment is understandable though.

If childfree by choice a 1st birthday is hell, if childless by infertility it is even worse.

Dieu · 02/01/2016 22:42

Och, it's your baby's 1st birthday. That was a really crappy thing for him to say (particularly as you don't sound in the least bit precious). Hope you have a lovely day anyway.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:44

I understand that many people undergoing infertility investigation and treatments would keep this quiet and mask their personal pain by pooh poohing questions about future children.
I therefore can never say they aren't ttc at the moment but I think it's highly unlikely given the pill prescription and other bits and bobs which I won't bore you with. There is much more evidence of this just him being a knob.
they'll probably turn up next week with their 12 week scan pic

OP posts:
Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:46

It was the pill as I had to collect the script from the surgery and take it to the pharmacy (I'm a GP too so know most of the contraceptives!)

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 02/01/2016 22:46

Actually, although he and his wife may say they're not TTC they might be struggling with infertility. DH and I don't want our problems broadcast to our entire social circle, so when some people ask us whether we want children we pooh-pooh the idea to mask our pain and discourage further discussion.

We were the same as well.

Haffdonga · 02/01/2016 22:47

Your invitation: not rude in the context of your friendship
Fertility issues: Red herring.
Irony online: does not translate (as posters failing to understand your jokes have clearly demonstrated)
Context: you have a rude, jokey relationship and he thinks he's being funny. Verdict: He's not.

TimeToMuskUp · 02/01/2016 22:47

We have friends who've struggled with fertility issues for many years. Not once in their lives would either have them behaved like such fucking panheads, the man is a cock and you are due an apology, OP. You likely won't get one, because dicks like him prefer not to acknowledge their shitty behaviour. Much like Moon, really, who also owes you an apology.

Hope your DD has a lovely party. Send some cake round for him that she's licked. Fucker.

Haffdonga · 02/01/2016 22:48

Infertility is not an excuse to behave like a dick.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:49

TimtoMuskUp - lolling to the licked cake

OP posts:
SisterConcepta · 02/01/2016 22:49

It was a lovely invite. Personally I would not have bothered to ask them. We also have a few friends that describe themselves as child unfriendly but none are anyway near as rude as your friend. Leave it pass and don't forget to make him squirm when he has his pfb!

Sanchar · 02/01/2016 22:50

Jaw droppingly rude!!

If these were my friends I would be distancing myself straight away, no recovering from the obvious disdain in his tone.
I would be so hurt if supposedly close friends said something like that.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 22:50

And thanks, the in laws and possibly my dick head friend at her party, can't wait! (Irony)

OP posts:
Karoleann · 02/01/2016 22:53

I think banter too - we only invite friends with children the same age to birthday parties. They're not really fun for adults!
I can imagine DH would have though something similar (but would have been too polite to post it pre-children).

AyeAmarok · 02/01/2016 22:55

I also think he meant to send the message to his wife and then panicked and left.