to not encourage them to say thank you?

[DorothyL]

My brother and I have never got on well. As adults we lived in different countries and only saw each other when I visited my mum. I have a good relationship with his wife and three children and have spent a lot of time with them. 18 months ago my db left my sil, she took it badly. I have supported her, which in turn led to him being angry with me, culminating in him cutting contact with me 6 weeks ago. For christmas gave my nephew three €15 gift vouchers for my three dc. Db has in all my children's lives never had more contact with them than to say hello and goodbye. He has frequently made it clear that he thinks my ds's behaviour (autism related) is down to my bad parenting.

My mother has now said to me that I should encourage my children to write a thank you for the vouchers - written thank yous have never happened before as thank yous were expressed in person when we saw each other. I disagree, if anything I am wondering if I should have returned the gift vouchers. What do you think?

They should write and say thank you.

Why? Just because it's good manners?

A thank you card/note/letter is polite.
The view is better from the moral high ground

They should write and thank him.

I think that since you've accepted the vouchers a brief thank you note would be appropriate.

My concern is that he'll
take it as an expression of my wish to be conciliatory, when there is no such wish.

They should say thank you for the vouchers.
They are not your gifts to return.

Of course they should write and thank him if you have accepted on their behalf.

Adults shouldn't be dragging their kids into adult stuff.

A gift is a gift.

A thank you should always be given for any gift. Whether it is verbal at the time, a card or picture sent in the post, a call, a skype.

Thank you should always be given for a gift.

Written thank you are NOT required. But some kind of thanks is.

Why can't they call him?

They should write a brief but polite thank you note, from them not you.

Reality, because they'd find it totally weird as he has never in their entire lives spoken to them, other than to say hello and goodbye

Initially I thought you shouldn't bother sending thanks, but he may use this to confirm his perception of you as a bad parent, so for that reason alone, I would have them send a very short note (one from all 3).

Well, if you feel that strongly about your brother send the gifts back. Otherwise, a thank you is appropriate, of course.

Another yes they should write thank you letters...There uncle sent them a gift..You say thank you.. No matter your opinion on DB you teach your children good manners

Just type a brief note of thanks from all the children and get them to sign it.

You're asking if you're being unreasonable for not promoting and encouraging basic manners. In that case YABVU.

YABU. He has done something nice for them - they should absolutely send him a thankyou note.

Hmmm....
What about him sending a friend request to dd1, who is 14? Interfere or not?

Sounds like he is reaching out to them. He still doesn't sound unreasonable.

Interesting, to me it feels more like point scoring.

I would look at it as teaching good manners to my kids.. Taking a gift without saying 'thank you' is not good decorum.
As much as you dislike him at the moment, you shouldn't discourage your children to thank him and do the right thing. That is really childish..

He said to his dc this week "give my love to everybody, except Dorothy", when they were coming to see us

So it's ok for you to have a good relationship with his kids but not for him to have one with yours?

Some kind of thank you is required.