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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not encourage them to say thank you?

149 replies

DorothyL · 01/01/2016 22:27

My brother and I have never got on well. As adults we lived in different countries and only saw each other when I visited my mum. I have a good relationship with his wife and three children and have spent a lot of time with them. 18 months ago my db left my sil, she took it badly. I have supported her, which in turn led to him being angry with me, culminating in him cutting contact with me 6 weeks ago. For christmas gave my nephew three €15 gift vouchers for my three dc. Db has in all my children's lives never had more contact with them than to say hello and goodbye. He has frequently made it clear that he thinks my ds's behaviour (autism related) is down to my bad parenting.

My mother has now said to me that I should encourage my children to write a thank you for the vouchers - written thank yous have never happened before as thank yous were expressed in person when we saw each other. I disagree, if anything I am wondering if I should have returned the gift vouchers. What do you think?

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2016 22:48

I live in Britain. Despite what MNetters say, handwritten thank yous aren't the norm either.

MrsJorahMormont · 02/01/2016 22:57

I think that the spirit behind a gift is often more telling than the gift itself. In the circumstances you are describing, you have to be really honest with yourself. If your DB doesn't like you but is genuinely fond of your children a thank you is appropriate. If he has no interest in them but is using them to point score then ignore his efforts completely or send a thank you card with only their names written at the bottom below the generic message on the cards. That way you're making your point without giving him any opportunity to play the victim or shit stirrer.

So literally just:

'Fred'

MooseTrap · 03/01/2016 00:34

Handwritten thankyous are not really the norm in the UK unless a wedding however it is normal to thank someone who has given you a gift and if you are not in contact with that person then there is no choice but to put something in writing. By writing I mean text, email or card.

I've lived in lots of countries and in all of them I'm pretty sure you ARE expected to say thank you for a gift.

kua · 03/01/2016 00:53

The only written thankyous are to people we don't see in person to do so ie cousin of my dad's who who sends a fiver to DS at Christmas /Easter. Doesn't take much, quick note + stamp.

I get what you are saying but I wouldn't over think it. Take the higher ground.

JakeyBurd · 03/01/2016 01:41

I'm with you, OP. I don't know anyone who has ever written a thank-you to anyone, and I've certainly never received one. It's never bothered me - my pleasure is in the giving. If it's not the done thing where you are then I agree it is a bit weird to get your DC to do it now.

So, two possibilities: you said he gave them E20 vouchers last year - how did you respond to that on your DC's behalf? Whatever you did then, I'd do the same again now. Just because his attitude to you has changed doesn't mean your behaviour should have to alter.

Alternatively, you said the vouchers were passed on through your nephew, with no personal message to your DCs. You could pass on thanks in the same way - a verbal message to the nephew along the lines of "tell him the children said 'Thanks' for the vouchers". Then your efforts to thank him will exactly match his efforts to give.

Don't let you family bully you into unnatural behaviour.

wafflyversatile · 03/01/2016 01:59

His relationship with your DC is perfunctory. A gift of €15 cash is a perfunctory gift and a short thank you note from your children is a perfunctory response. It isn't opening a dialogue between you and him. It is not appeasing him. It is just manners. If he reads it as such and tries to get in touch you are allowed to rebuff him.

I get a random mix of thank you notes, texts from parents, thank yous in person and forgetting to thank me at all from my young DNs and it matters not one jot as I have a lovely relationship with them all. If my relationship with them was perfunctory I'm sure a thank you note would be forthcoming every time as steely politeness is more important in such circumstances.

Why give him ammunition against you? Whatever his reasons for sending a gift rather than not, a thank you is appropriate.

Original poster
DorothyL · 03/01/2016 06:12

Last year we saw him so a thank you was said there and then. I think I will tell dd to tell my nephew to pass on thanks.

OP posts:
Chococroc · 03/01/2016 07:01

do all the adults on this thread send an individual, handwritten letter of thanks for every present (birthday, Christmas, any other occasions) they receive? "

Yes, if the gift isn't given in person/I see them shortly afterwards. It's the norm amongst the people I give and receive gifts with and basic manners in my opinion.

OP - a generic thank you card with a pre written message signed by the DC would surely do the trick without too much effort/suggestion of it?

Penfold007 · 03/01/2016 07:27

Have you ever considered that your brother may be autistic?

Original poster
DorothyL · 03/01/2016 08:02

No I haven't, I really think he's just not very nice!

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 03/01/2016 08:20

Well I wouldn't return them as they are not yours to return. I would type out a brief thank you note and get your DCs to sign it. If he is genuinely points scoring through your DC and is as big a dick as he sounds, he'll get bored soon enough if he has no other reaction from you.

MooseTrap · 03/01/2016 10:02

How old are your kids? Can they decide for themselves or are they too little?

Original poster
DorothyL · 03/01/2016 10:39

They are 14.12 and 9. If anything they're reluctant because they feel he is not much of an uncle.

OP posts:
reni2 · 03/01/2016 12:29

Dc1 can write a card "Thank you uncle x for the vouchers, happy new year." All three sign it. Give it to your mum, no address needed. Otherwise you will be the one who looks like she's trying to score points because to the untrained eye he's given a gift and either your kids are rude or you stopped them. If he frames the card to look uncle of the year so be it.

RufusTheReindeer · 03/01/2016 13:12

Do what you want

Text
Thank you note printed off the computer, signed by the children or not
Hand written note in a generic card
Or dont bother at all

Whatever

My children do hand written notes for adults, i leave the teens to do what they want for their friends but in the past they have done thank you cards for their friends

If its not the done thing in your family then i wouldnt bother starting another tradition Smile

ItsANewDayToday · 03/01/2016 15:26

I think they are old enough to say thanks one way or another. I don't think it makes any odds if they don't think of him as an uncle. If someone gives you something it's rude not to say thank you one way or another. Text or message etc is ok.

Merguez · 03/01/2016 15:41

I live in Britain too.

And despite what others have said, a written thank you note is very much the norm among my friends and family if you have not had the opportunity to thank the gift giver in person.

Basic good manners.

Can be text, email, typed or handwritten. Or a phone call.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2016 17:48

Of course you thank someone for a present but usually verbally, either face-to-face or on the phone. I receive written thank-you cards from my niece and nephew but it's completely unnecessary. Them calling or chiming in on the phone when DH speaks to his brother on Christmas Day would be enough.

It's my SIL's way and nice though she is, I wish she wouldn't - they're mid-teens and she still insists they call me Aunty Limited. I'd prefer just Limited, even when they were really small, but she thinks it's disrespectful.

It makes me feel about 108.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2016 17:51

This is the kind of thank you letter I'd smile at getting.

Alastrante · 03/01/2016 18:01

This is a very normal MN thread Grin

I would quite honestly ignore the whole situation. The kids have the money? Let them spend it. They want to write a thank you? Let them. They don't? In this case, fine.

I would not give it any more thought than that, and I wouldn't give your brother any more attention or brain space.

Smidge001 · 03/01/2016 20:37

I don't think it makes a difference whether they think he's an uncle or not! Someone gave them a present, and whether or not they were expecting one or even know who it's from, it is basic good manners to say thank you! I mean, how hard is it?!! Dear X, thankyou for the vouchers. I plan to spend them on Y. Happy New Year, child a/b/c.

Gee whizz. You've spent so much time on this thread they could have been written a hundred times by now.

Original poster
DorothyL · 03/01/2016 20:40

So it makes no difference that this present is from someone who has declared that their mother doesn't exist for him anymore?

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 03/01/2016 20:44

Context is everything. I agree with OP.

sykadelic · 03/01/2016 20:55

Just adding to the voice agreeing with you OP. Asking DN to pass on a thanks is more than adequate. He is "thanked" and you move on with your life.

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