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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not encourage them to say thank you?

149 replies

DorothyL · 01/01/2016 22:27

My brother and I have never got on well. As adults we lived in different countries and only saw each other when I visited my mum. I have a good relationship with his wife and three children and have spent a lot of time with them. 18 months ago my db left my sil, she took it badly. I have supported her, which in turn led to him being angry with me, culminating in him cutting contact with me 6 weeks ago. For christmas gave my nephew three €15 gift vouchers for my three dc. Db has in all my children's lives never had more contact with them than to say hello and goodbye. He has frequently made it clear that he thinks my ds's behaviour (autism related) is down to my bad parenting.

My mother has now said to me that I should encourage my children to write a thank you for the vouchers - written thank yous have never happened before as thank yous were expressed in person when we saw each other. I disagree, if anything I am wondering if I should have returned the gift vouchers. What do you think?

OP posts:
GunningforISIS · 02/01/2016 10:47

"My concern is that he'll take it as an expression of my wish to be conciliatory, when there is no such wish."

This is most strange - you prefer to prolong and perhaps deepen the breakdown in relations, rather than seek reconciliation?

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 10:51

I have spent my whole life putting up with his behaviour, I have kept the peace for the sake of family, but still
It wasn't enough and he chose to break contact with me when for the first time I spoke my mind when asked. So why should I now be the one to try and mend things?

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 02/01/2016 10:58

Get the kids to send a thank you. Your issues with him shouldnt cause abtotal breakdown in relations between your children and their uncle. Even if you do have valid reasons.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:00

I don't even have his address since he moved out of the family home...

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/01/2016 11:05

Not sure why you asked.

You clearly don't want to say thanks and in fact don't think you should.
It's easy enough to find his address if necessary.

Just don't bother. The majority opinion on here isn't swaying you, so...

Welshwabbit · 02/01/2016 11:08

It doesn't seem that your brother's present to your children is prompted purely by a desire to score points as he gave them a similar present last year. No need for you to thank him personally as he didn't give you a gift but as a previous poster suggested perhaps your daughter could thank him on behalf of all your children (especially as he got your nephew to pass on the vouchers). How she does this is up to her but easy enough to get his address through your mum or if she has his mobile number to text, or email.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 02/01/2016 11:18

If you are prepared to accept the gifts you should be prepared to say thank you.

If you are not prepared to say thank you, you return the gifts.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:27

A gift for me I would have refused, but these were gifts for the children.

I know that on MN there are probably mostly children that send thank yous completely unprompted Grinbut mine would need reminding which I'm disinclined to do.

It's interesting to see the majority view but LittleBeauty's post summed up my feelings so perfectly that I feel I am not completely crazy. I do appreciate everyone's posts.

OP posts:
January87 · 02/01/2016 11:31

You sound really petty... let the kids write a thank you card.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:32

I am amazed at being called petty when he has been less than nice to me all my life!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 02/01/2016 11:34

So you don't want your kids to miss out on the material gifts just as long as they don't engage. Hmm. Tbh it's not your brother who sounds like the difficult one here. Perhaps he went NC because of your behaviour op?

We only have one side of this after all, but given your own posts on this thread it doesn't sound as if it' stat black and white.

Ultimately if you don't want a relationship with him then that is your decision. If you don't want your children to have a relationship with him then you need to do the right thing and also cut off contact with his children. You can't have it all your own way.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:35

If your brother had spent all his years making it clear that your disabled ds was a spoilt brat, would you have charitable feelings towards him?

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:38

Now I really do feel like I'm going mad! Did you read the bit where I said he has never interacted with my dc other than to say hello and goodbye? And now I am stopping him from having a relationship with my kids?

OP posts:
BuildMoreHouses · 02/01/2016 11:38

I understand your annoyance.From the history with your Mum It sounds like he calls the shots in the family group. Did you respond to the comment he had made to his kids about good wishes to all "except Dorothy" Did your Mum hear that?

Having sympathised with you over your rude brother I still would be inclined to ask the kids to say thank you. That's all part of teaching them common courtesies.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:41

I do understand that, and agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 11:43

My mum did hear it, she will say what is he like but that's it.

OP posts:
howabout · 02/01/2016 11:47

I agree with Littlebeauty. I wouldn't want the DC to feel they are obligated to some hostile relation by £15 of gift vouchers. Spend them and move on.

mrssmith79 · 02/01/2016 11:50

Christ, just pop a card in the post saying 'Just a note to say thank you for your kind gifts, Xsprog, Ysprog, Zsprog.'
And leave it at that! Surely you've got better things to exhaust time and headspace on?

BuildMoreHouses · 02/01/2016 11:50

You won't get support from that direction then.

I would have to give my view on that as unemotionally as possible, so something like

" what a deliberately hurtful message to pass on. And doing it via children is not fair on them, he doesn't have their best interests at heart.."

Just to get the message out there that it is hurtful and poor parenting . No one may agree but the point is to move the boundaries as to what is seen as acceptable. Then I'd drop it and say no more.

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 12:27

Mrssmith unfortunately my brother's antics have been quite dominant in our lives this past year

OP posts:
howabout · 02/01/2016 12:42

Just read the "except Dorothy". Were your DC old enough to deal with a thank you in an independent adult way then I would suggest "Dear Uncle X thank you for the gift vouchers. We have spent them on a lovely family treat for us and our DM". As they are not and I thoroughly disapprove of getting at adults through their DC I think ignoring is the best option. Sending them back would cause more offence than not thanking and not spending benefits the voucher seller.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 02/01/2016 12:47

Given you have no intention of getting them to say thank you and do not for one single second think you are unreasonable, why are you asking?

Original poster
DorothyL · 02/01/2016 12:51

I didn't say I wouldn't get them to say thank you, just that I want it to be low key

OP posts:
mrtwitsglasseye · 02/01/2016 12:58

I am in a similar position, OP and I haven't prompted my children to say thank you for gifts received from nc family members. I haven't asked them to send presents and in fact would prefer it if they didn't. Sending them back seems pettier than silently accepting. A thank you would encourage it and give a message I don't want to give.

By sending presents they are forcing me to engage with them in some way. Sending them back is engaging. Thanking them is engaging. What I actually want is for them to disappear from my life completely but they are too selfish to do that. I make no apologies.

Sending gifts back is also a job and an effort. I would have to catch a bus to the post office with the damn things, queue up and explain to the cashier. I'm not giving my nc family that kind of time or effort, they have taken enough of my life and my head space.

MrsHathaway · 02/01/2016 13:13

I'd be tempted to text "Thank you for the vouchers you sent the DC. You really shouldn't have."