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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not encourage them to say thank you?

149 replies

DorothyL · 01/01/2016 22:27

My brother and I have never got on well. As adults we lived in different countries and only saw each other when I visited my mum. I have a good relationship with his wife and three children and have spent a lot of time with them. 18 months ago my db left my sil, she took it badly. I have supported her, which in turn led to him being angry with me, culminating in him cutting contact with me 6 weeks ago. For christmas gave my nephew three €15 gift vouchers for my three dc. Db has in all my children's lives never had more contact with them than to say hello and goodbye. He has frequently made it clear that he thinks my ds's behaviour (autism related) is down to my bad parenting.

My mother has now said to me that I should encourage my children to write a thank you for the vouchers - written thank yous have never happened before as thank yous were expressed in person when we saw each other. I disagree, if anything I am wondering if I should have returned the gift vouchers. What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 13:27

Good way of explaining it mrtwit

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Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 13:28

Tempting Mrs Hathaway but I'm worried he would just see it as confirmation of what he thinks of me.

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Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 13:56

this is the background to why he cut ties with me

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LittleBeautyBelle · 02/01/2016 15:53

mrtwit, very good post.

dementedpixie · 02/01/2016 16:07

Do you have his mobile number? Just send a text saying. 'The children thank you for the vouchers' and leave it at that

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 16:13

I am amazed at the suggestion that I should cut contact with his children when I get on well with my sil and all the children enjoy meeting up! Should I stop such meetings because my brother chose not to bother with my kids ever other than these vouchers?

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MooseTrap · 02/01/2016 16:23

I think you are massively over thinking it. Get his address from your Mum and get the kids to send a quick card. I have some shitty relatives so I can understand.

By the way you Mum sounds a bit of a shit stirrer. Why is she passing on details about what your brother thinks of your DS and telling you that his kids were told not to pass on his good wishes to you.

YAB very U to complain about the amount he has given and the fact he has given vouchers. It's not exactly unusual for Aunts and Uncles who don't know their nephews and nieces well vouchers or money.

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 16:26

No no I don't mind vouchers and the amount is totally fine, I was just trying to make clear that the choice of present doesn't all of a sudden make him uncle of the year

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Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 16:33

No no I don't mind vouchers and the amount is totally fine, I was just trying to make clear that the choice of present doesn't all of a sudden make him uncle of the year

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WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2016 17:08

Personally, my family don't do thank you notes/cards/texts. We thank each other face to face, and if the giver is not present at the opening then we say 'thank you

Dapplegrey1 · 02/01/2016 17:38

Op you have had lots of advice that your dc should thank your db but since you evidently have no intention of asking your children to thank him, I'm not sure why you asked for advice in the first place.
It is normal to thank for a present.

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 18:55

Dapple the fact that there are some posters who agree with me makes me think there's some merit to my views.

I have started aibus before where everyone disagreed with me, and I did change my views then.

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thisismypassword · 02/01/2016 19:02

Send the vouchers back and buy your kids something for a tenner each. Your brother is being childish and should not dictate to you who your friends are.

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2016 19:26

MN always bangs on about how you should send thank you letters in copperplate handwriting.

If you think your brother is trying to be tricky OP, then ignore him. If your children want to send a thank you, then they will. If not, then they won't get a present next year if his motivation is giving rather than receiving.

I have a sibling who always tried to stir the pot and a mother who wrung her hands and begged me to do the right thing in order to keep the peace.

My mother was a wonderful person. But in that case, she was wrong.

MooseTrap · 02/01/2016 19:33

OP, do you think your Mum is a bit of a stirrer?

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 19:43

Not a stirrer, a pleaser

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Olddear · 02/01/2016 19:52

Why can't the children just send a simple card with 'thank you for our vouchers' signed x, y,z. I just can't get why that would be so difficult! Someone in the family must have his address......

FlatOnTheHill · 02/01/2016 19:53

Forgot the fact he might think you are 'friends again'
They should write and say thank you

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2016 19:55

do you think your Mum is a bit of a stirrer?

That may not be strictly true Moose. My mum would do things like this in a desperate bid to keep the peace that ended up making things worse and making me wish she'd butt out.

But she wasn't a stirrer. She'd just created a toxic situation over the years with the best of intentions. Families and their dynamic are strange. Everything she tried to do to fix it made it the same or worse.

I learned to ignore it. She's dead now. My sister and I are NC. That's okay by me.

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2016 19:57

Not a stirrer, a pleaser

I understand that and I don't resent it

Jengnr · 02/01/2016 20:02

Don't bugger about with a handwritten anything. Text 'thanks for the kids' vouchers' then block his number and get on with your life.

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 20:36

You're ahead of me, I do resent it, especially as I'm always expected yo go along with the pleasing.

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TendonQueen · 02/01/2016 20:46

Text him with 'The children say thank you for the vouchers'. Nothing more. Job done.

Incidentally, do all the adults on this thread send an individual, handwritten letter of thanks for every present (birthday, Christmas, any other occasions) they receive? Or is this an obligation only children are expected to observe?

limitedperiodonly · 02/01/2016 21:40

do all the adults on this thread send an individual, handwritten letter of thanks for every present (birthday, Christmas, any other occasions) they receive? Or is this an obligation only children are expected to observe?

That's good point. Along with the one that children should stand up for adults on public transport

Original poster

DorothyL · 02/01/2016 22:18

In the country my family lives in handwritten thank yous would be seen as very much ott

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