to not encourage them to say thank you?

[DorothyL]

My brother and I have never got on well. As adults we lived in different countries and only saw each other when I visited my mum. I have a good relationship with his wife and three children and have spent a lot of time with them. 18 months ago my db left my sil, she took it badly. I have supported her, which in turn led to him being angry with me, culminating in him cutting contact with me 6 weeks ago. For christmas gave my nephew three €15 gift vouchers for my three dc. Db has in all my children's lives never had more contact with them than to say hello and goodbye. He has frequently made it clear that he thinks my ds's behaviour (autism related) is down to my bad parenting.

My mother has now said to me that I should encourage my children to write a thank you for the vouchers - written thank yous have never happened before as thank yous were expressed in person when we saw each other. I disagree, if anything I am wondering if I should have returned the gift vouchers. What do you think?

It probably is point acoring. But it is you who loses through poor manners.

I would honestly send the vouchers back. It is obviously annoying you and upsetting you so I'd send them back.

But if you keep the vouchers, they have to say thanks. Maybe a text if one has a mobile phone?

As to friend requests on facebook, if you trust them to have facebook, you have to trust them to have facebook. You can ask your DC not to accept him, but I honestly don't think you can insist (unless he's a mass murderer or something).

Kids will build their own relationships with people and if he's that much of an arse they will find it out for themselves, and that's when you should pick up the pieces and not say I told you so.

Id wrote a thank you note.

Do you want to show your children to treat pettiness by returning it with pettiness?

How he takes it is up to him, surely?

Send the vouchers back and cut off contact entirely. He sounds like a dong, and it sounds very much as though it's upsetting you.

Your Mum is right. If you receive a gift from someone who didn't hand it to you personally, then you should send a thank you note. Your concern is to teach your dc good manners.
It strikes me he's been pretty thoughtful in the midst of the separation, etc., to have got the vouchers to your dc even though you two are not in contact. Don't drag your dc into your argument.

Personally I'd not send the vouchers back as they were for dcs, not you. Basic manners is some type of thank you message. If they have only ever said hello and goodbye then maybe a thank you card is the best way, but if they have another way to message they could do that.

Even if he behaves badly, your dcs can behave well.

Good point Worra

Just because he gave them gifts doesn't automatically mean he has good will toward you or your dc, especially since he's treated you badly in the near past. I can understand why you are reluctant for your dc to send thank you notes.

Well you have accepted the vouchers so it's standard a thank you is in order. And it's terrible dragging kids into this just to score points against him. Also good point made by Worra.

Ofcourse they should write/call to thank him, it's basic manners when someone gives you something.
Don't drag your kids into your argument.
So he wants to add your older child on fb, maybe he wants to make the effort? He realises now he doesn't speak to you this maybe the only way he will have any kind of relationship with them?
It sounds like whatever he does will be wrong.

A telephone call to say thanks takes 2 minutes and doesn't hurt 😊 ,

This decision isn't your call, and you know it. Where do you get the right to dictate who in your family sees who else - and has a relationship with them? Your DC are people and entitled to have relationships with their family independent of who you like fighting with.

DB is trying to be a good uncle by sending generous presents - by cutting your DC off from their family, are you trying to be a good mother?

They should say thank you. This isn't their fall out and they shouldn't be involved.

Do you want him to think your children aren't grateful?

They should send a generic "thank you" card.

I think that whilst your daughter is under 16, you've a right to monitor her Facebook friends and to delete/refuse any unsuitable ones. Whether your brother falls into this category, I couldn't say. Your daughter is old enough to hear/comprehend your side of the story, and if she she then puts a compelling case for accepting the friend request, perhaps let her do so.

In this situation, I would say that you know your brother best. If you don't want your DC to send the thank you cards, then go with your instincts. Do you usually send thank you cards for gifts?

DSis kids never say thank you - to anyone - ever -
I make my kids ring or send pics.
At 14 Id expect them to do it themselves. I would not do it on the insistance of my mother.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but OP says her db never bothered with her children before and has not been very kind to her...he leaves (for another woman?) his wife and children, and OP supports them which makes brother angry and cuts off contact six weeks ago. Suddenly, brother decides to send gifts to OP's children and sends FB friend request to OP's dc when he's never bothered before. I think he's being manipulative, he's already got his and OP's mother to chide OP about needing to send these thank you notes, and I think he's trying to get in with OP's children to change their perception of him. He also makes a big deal of sending his love to everyone "except" his sister.

OP's brother expected his sister to go along with the rest of his family in backing him up and supporting him against his ex, and when sister didn't do that, he is pushing back and doing these little subversive tactics. That's what I think. I believe OP doesn't trust him from past experience and from how he's treated his own wife and children, and personally in that case, I would not accept the gifts nor would I force my dc send thank you notes to him. He and OP's mother are counting on "manners" to guilt OP into having her children pander to a man whom OP rightly does not respect or trust. I think his sudden attentions to OP's children are to get them to like him, to get her back for supporting his ex, for manipulative reasons not out of good will. I could be wrong, that's what it looks like to me.

YABU.

Well if you are correct, Belle, the vouchers must be returned.

Absolutely abbie

I can understand him being hurt that you've stayed friends with your sil (I can also understand why you have). Yet despite his feelings on that he has made an effort for your children (what he has or hasn't done for them in the past doesn't matter, he's still made an effort now). Yes of course they should thank him on some way.

He's manipulating you.

Send them back.

What Belle said. That.

However, if you take the moral highground OP, a simple collective card from your 3 DC's could read :

Dear Uncle Wank,

Thank you for sending us gift vouchers which are very much appreciated.

We wish you a HNY.

Signed X, Y & Z

Job done.

Your brother sounds like a twat for what it's worth...