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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has cancelled me for a holiday that's already booked and paid for.

523 replies

Snowyxmastree · 01/01/2016 13:48

I don't know how to handle this situation.

9 friends 4 couples and 1 single have booked to go on a holiday. I have paid for the flights outright and the hotels get paid for on check in. Everyone has paid for the flights bar the single friend.

I have had to rearrange the booking once already as we have booked non refundable rooms and 4 in the party got invited to a family members wedding.

I have just received a message from single friend to say that she is embarrassed to say that she can no longer go due to the cost. She's owes me for the flight and I have been chasing her for a couple of weeks now. Plus the hotel needs to be paid for nearer the time.

Everybody knows this all non refundable but she hasn't mentioned reimbursing me.

How do I go about doing this?

I will not be doing this again despite this being a annual thing for 5 years now with no issues.

I am so pissed off with friend as the hotel was booked mainly as she was unhappy with a lot of hotels as they didn't do single rooms.

Please help me ask her for this money I am owed. It's £550.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/01/2016 19:34

Ok ok I made a stupid remark
I have already apologized for it.
I shall now do so again most abject.

Any update OP ?

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2016 19:46

rookiemere we all say daft things. Even me, but I'm not going to tell you about them

hefzi · 03/01/2016 20:01

If it's been annual, as OP says, for the last five years and there haven't been problems, I think it's more likely to be as LadyStoic said, and the flakey friend is going to pieces - your mind doesn't function normally when your life is going to shit, and she's single, so no DP to lean on for support. Buying herself nice stuff when she's already owing for the car is a classic response - you've spent so long depriving and denying yourself, that you rush out and spend a fortune you don't actually have, that you cave: and then don't enjoy the stuff as you're aware you can't afford it and you've made your situation worse, and you are consumed by guilt etc - rinse and repeat, as she'll already have been doing that over the MOT etc

I really don't think anyone wants to lose a group of friends over only £550 - and I've already said that this is a huge amount for me: but the fact that this is the first time it's been a problem indicates something much deeper going on here. It doesn't make it OK, of course, but when everything is on top of you, the ostrich strategy sometimes seems like the best option - you have to be in a certain place to look your problems in the face and tackle them, and if she's breaking down in some way as her life becomes uncontrollable, she won't be in that place.

Again - I'm not excusing her: but I see how this sort of thing happens, and I honestly think (again, bearing in mind five years of this process and no problem) she's more to be pitied then censured. Her life's totally out of control, for whatever reason, and she's about to lose all her closest friends too (assuming you wouldn't holiday every year for five years with people who you weren't close to) - at the moment, she's not thinking logically and rationally: and she may well already be up to her ears in payday loans etc - and if she hasn't already returned the nice items she bought before Christmas (and she may well have done) they'll be worth bugger all now. With the majority of things, once you've taken it out of the shop, it loses the majority of its resale value, even if it you never open it - so people saying she should sell things are not being very realistic.

It's not OK that OP is in this position, but I think the flakey friend is in total meltdown atm, and not capable of thinking or behaving rationally because of the scale of her problems.

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 03/01/2016 20:20

Eurgh... She drives without insurance or an MOT. Lost all sympathy from me, take her to the cleaners OP.

She might be in the depths of a deep depression over her debt. But she's putting other people in danger by driving a non road worthy car. I'm glad it's been impounded.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/01/2016 20:25

hefzi so bloody what?!

The friend's problems are of her own making. Do you really think that letting her off this or others paying (which they won't do) for her holiday is fair? OK so she hasn't got a DH/DP to absorb her costs but at the very least she could sort out a loan, sell some of the things she's bought, get a 2nd job etc.

It's a bit different if eg there's been an unexpected drama - say her house was flooded etc, car breaks down needs repair but this seems to have built up and her only way of dealing with this is avoidance which naturally pisses people off.

When my friend invited her ex-DP onto our holiday instead of me (we were going away with her DP and her DD) I realised I'd paid a £500 deposit (yes a lot!) and I demanded it back immediately as I wasn't going to be going away. Whether her parents, ex-DP or she paid me back it was no business of mine I just wanted it back ASAP or I would have gone mental. It was paid within 2-3 days. I didn't need the money back ASAP but I certainly didn't want her to shaft me for the money, pay it back in dribs and drabs or pay back some but not all.

londonrach · 03/01/2016 20:49

who drives a car without mot and insurance? Shes lucky you wasnt involved in an accident. (Completely misses point of post).

StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2016 20:52

Super I must have misread that. Surely she didn't end up going away with her current partner, her ex and her dd?

Saxons · 03/01/2016 21:36

We had this. A relative meant to be paying 1/11 of the cost of hiring a cottage. Cottage all booked, everything agreed but then while at the cottage he told us he could only come for 1/3 of the time and would therefore pay 1/3 of the room cost. I refused to cover his debt. My gran did. Gran and mum have always enabled this type of behaviour. They pity him for no good reason. He has no control over his spending and runs up huge debts constantly. He feels entitled. We on the other hand live on a shoestring budget. We cut our cloth to fit.

limitedperiodonly · 03/01/2016 21:51

If she as chaotic as it appears, then owing people money or, shock horror, driving with no MOT or car insurance isn't going to bother her.

I don't know why that surprises people on MN so much. It's not nice, but that's what some people do.

It appears that the others are going to stump up so the OP isn't too out of pocket and every in the group shares the burden.

I think you should now let it drop OP. Because you aren't going to get the money out of her.

Enjoy your holiday without her.

CatchingBabies · 03/01/2016 22:03

Just read this thread, hoping you can agree a solution x

BarbaraofSeville · 03/01/2016 22:12

I find it hard to have sympathy with people like Flaky Friend because the fact of the matter is that, for every person who suffers genuine unexpected financial hardship or mental health problems, there are usually far many more that are just selfish idiots who are incapable of managing their finances responsibly, so are constantly pleading poverty and taking the piss out of anyone that helps them out, while failing to cut back on their discretionary spending.

KERALA1 · 03/01/2016 22:14

Is Hefzi the flakey friend?!

SuperFlyHigh · 03/01/2016 22:22

Stealth no my friend was estranged from her ex-SO/DP at time of booking holiday with me, her parents and her DD. she had no other partner. FFW 4 months and ex-SO/DP had got back into her life and wanted to come on this holiday and not me. He definitely said not me - despite not knowing me or disliking me!

But this derails from OP!

rookiemere · 03/01/2016 22:45

That thought crossed my mind too Kerala1.

Yes FF is clearly in financial troubles, but that doesn't make it any more palatable for OP and the rest of her nice reliable friends to have to bail her out.

If FF has treated herself to say electronic items as christmas presents then these should still hold a decent resale value so that argument doesn't hold true.

Hopefully OP should be able to minimise the extra costs to everyone else by cancelling flight and speaking to hotel, but ideally OP and her friends shouldn't be sucking up extra costs.

Sansoora · 03/01/2016 23:04

but the fact that this is the first time it's been a problem indicates something much deeper going on here.

No, it doesn't, because not everything has to be deep and meaningful or mired in mental health problems.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/01/2016 23:10

I have NO sympathy with Flaky at all, none (unless she does actually have mental health issues instead of just being a selfish spendthrift idiot).

If you're having money troubles, then DON'T bloody well sign up for a holiday you cannot afford! Tell people UP FRONT that you're not going to be able to manage it this time, and DON'T, FGS, make everyone else change arrangements to suit YOU, when you know the chances of you going at all is slim to none!! Angry on your behalf, OP. Honestly. I hate people who pull this sort of shit!

fuzzpig · 03/01/2016 23:45

Glad you've told all the others about it.

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 04/01/2016 14:14

.

Littleallovertheshop · 04/01/2016 15:23

Totally off topic, but veda DOES make the best toast. Silly Scotland for not selling it.

Jibberjabberjooo · 04/01/2016 15:34

OP how are you?

AyeAmarok · 04/01/2016 15:45

Totally off topic, but veda DOES make the best toast. Silly Scotland for not selling it.

Agreed!

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 04/01/2016 18:16

It's a little recognised universal truth Grin

SlightlyJaded · 05/01/2016 10:40

Some people just don't 'feel' debt the way others do.

I have one friend and one BIL who are like this.

BIL owes us around £15,000 accumulated over years of asking DH (his brother) to help him out of various holes, and has to be regularly asked to make some kind of contribution towards his debt - whilst taking several family foreign holidays a year (Disneyworld/Christmas Shopping in NY - NOT camping in the north of France IYSWIM). We are struggling at the moment whilst he is earning well, but when ever we pull him on his priorities - he opens his wallet, hands DH a £50 note and tells us to 'chill the fuck out'. I want to punch his face in.

Another friend with form for dodging payments agreed to come on a trip that was to be split 8 ways. Despite promising to pay up every day, it got to the weekend of the trip and he turned out, case packed, STILL without payment. He knew we'd all chip in to subsidise it on the day, and he NEVER paid it back nor showed any remorse for not paying back. He did the same at my wedding - asked for one of the only 10 rooms at the castle, came and spent the following day ordering drinks on his room, then left without settling his room or drinks bill. I was livid.

Neither of these two will ever see a penny of our money again, but they seem to have no embarrassment around us AT ALL.

They do not have mental health issues. They are not drowning in a quagmire of debt (except to us), they are just fucking chancers.

I hope you've had some resolution OP and actually that was very therapeutic for me to write down.

Can I just add, FUCKING SELFISH CUNTS?

Thanks.

Original poster
Snowyxmastree · 05/01/2016 10:49

I have a small update not on flaky friend but other nice friend.
Nice friend cannot go on the holiday as they are planning there first family holiday in the summer.
So back to stage 1 but she will be seeing FF today and finding out how she is going to repay me and what's going on.
I am hoping she can talk some sence into her.
Heard nothing what so ever from FF

OP posts:
snowinginthewoods · 05/01/2016 10:53

omg slightlyjaded that's absolutely dreadful!

Snowy I'm stunned that FF hasn't got back to you at all, some people are just unbelievable.