Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this or am I an ungrateful cow

85 replies

browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 12:43

So mill sadly passed away in July. They have finalised the the estate. They being dh and his brother. Bil has no children and we have 3 girls. Mil had very lttle jewellery. Most of it was donated to charity. She has some rings which are being put away for the girls. This was her wish.
According to dh she also had a couple of necklaces. So on Boxing Day we met up with bil and opened gifts. I was presented with joint gift from dh and bil. It was a cross on a trace chain which was all knotted up and had a broken clasp. I expressed appreciation due to the sentimental value.
Later when home dh told me that there was a better necklace but that was being sold as they felt it was worth a fèw hundred pounds.
So aibu to be hurt
Aibu to be hurt by this.

OP posts:
ColdWhiteWinePlease · 31/12/2015 12:48

I'd say that depends on whether your DH got you anything else!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 31/12/2015 12:48

Did you get other gifts from DH or was it just this necklace?

I know it sounds harsh but you're not "entitled" to anything from her estate, your girls are getting some rings. Maybe he felt the "better" necklace wasn't to your taste?

OurBlanche · 31/12/2015 12:49

No. NU at all. But you might want to save that response for on here.

They probably decided to sell the expensive necklace to prevent either feeling they had lost out.

You could drape the chain over a mirror or picture frame. I have one from each grandmother like that, still tangled, one broken, draped over the mirror in my bedroom.

MoMoTy · 31/12/2015 12:51

You do know that it's not yours to be upset about. The main thing is your girls got some pieces for themselves. Why do you think you should have gotten the better necklace?

GeoffreysGoat · 31/12/2015 12:55

I expressed appreciation due to the sentimental value.

It was given to you for sentimental reasons, I assume you'll benefit financially from dh's share of the estate?

Little local jeweller near me would have it unknotted and a new clasp on for £20 or so, if you want to wear it, otherwise pop it in your jewellery box and think fondly of her when you see it (I assume you had a civil relationship with her)

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 12:56

I just feel it is so sad that part of her history is being melted down when long term our girls could benefit from it. I do think it is coming from his brother but feel dh was insensitive implying that I wasn't worth the better necklace.
As usual dh got me a gift voucher which will probably be spent on clothes whilst he presented me with a long list of books cds computer games etc and I got thim the lot and has spent maybe £600 on other treats etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 13:00

Just because I didn't want it melted down plus they wouldn't get the true value selling it. O well I think I will judt go out a buy a better chain.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 31/12/2015 13:00

And now you have 'said that out loud' you need to forget it. Any implied insult hurts, but, unless your DH is usually a totally insensitive loon, he won't have meant it how you heard it.

YANBU to have those feelings. But you would BVVVU, to yourself as well as DH, BIL, if you dwelt on them and let them gain any reality.

Have vent here, by all means, then erase it all from your memory.

ilovesooty · 31/12/2015 13:01

It's up to your husband and his brother to arrange their mother's estate - nothing to do with you.

If you feel that the level of caring in your marriage isn't equal that's a completely different issue as I see it.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2015 13:06

I would have thought that as the estate is split between your DH and his brother then you are lucky all the jewellery wasn't sold and the money divided.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 13:06

I suppose you hit the nail on the head. I have had years of thoughtless gifts. I have had prescription sunglasses as a birthday present. They aren't essential apparently. Even though he has a designer pair which were not in lieu of a gift. One year I got a camera which dd dropped and broke. He wanted to get me a new one as my Christmas present.I know it is petty as I can buy whst I like butcI guess I just want to be treated occasionally.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2015 13:07

Sounds like it is therefore nothing to do with the jewellery but everything to do with his general crapness at gifts.

Talk to him about it.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 13:10

Mil had verbally said she wanted our dds to have the jewellery but I accept it is none of my business but I guess it just clarifies my worth again.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 13:14

I think it was the final bit re the I wasn't worth it as it was worth x that hurt.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 31/12/2015 13:14

Then tell him that is how you feel. He could buy his DBs half and give it to you.

But if he usually is that thoughtless, careless of your feelings then have that conversation about something else. If you use this as an example he will be able to throw it back at you very easily.

So do let this one go. For your own sake.

Roonerspism · 31/12/2015 13:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think this is just thoughtless men.

I would say how much you hoped the jewellery could be passed on to your girls

noeffingidea · 31/12/2015 13:19

Why are you buying him everything on his list if he is just getting you one present? Buy him one thing in return.
Incidentally, some people would see prescription sunglasses as a great gift.
No, they're not essential. A lot of people can't afford things like that and have to do without.
It sounds as if you have different expectations regarding gifts. I don't know if that's because he's stingy or you're being a bit childish. It is something you should discuss.

CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 13:20

On an aside, why did you buy him everything on his list when you knew he wasn't going to get you anything thoughtful...

Queenbean · 31/12/2015 13:25

You have a bigger issue in the form of the gift giving. Can't you decide on just getting one gift on each list rather than buying him absolutely everything then feeling resentful when he doesn't buy you so much?

If you really feel that the second necklace would be beneficial to the girls can you ask dp to buy his brothers share so you can keep it?

kaitlinktm · 31/12/2015 13:28

One year I got a camera which dd dropped and broke. He wanted to get me a new one as my Christmas present

The tight git! Why couldn't it be replaced without it having to be your present.

I know you realise that you have no "rights" to MiL's jewellery, but I think your DH put it rather crassly in terms of the less valuable item being given to you. Is he usually like this?

I suggest you start writing your Christmas list for next year very soon - keep it in your diary - and then present him with the same length list he gives to you. Tell him you don't want vouchers any more. If he just buys you one thing off it, then you know what to do after that.

Wolpertinger · 31/12/2015 13:28

Seriously why do you continue to buy him his entire list of non-essntial items when you know you will only get one non-gift in return?

temporarilyjerry · 31/12/2015 13:29

I agree with Callie. Time to give him a taste of his own medicine, methinks.

AyeAmarok · 31/12/2015 13:30

I get what you mean OP, and for the reasons you have given I don't think YABU.

Lobatri · 31/12/2015 13:33

I understand how you feel. My only thought would be to treat yourself to things now and again as he doesn't and you need cheering.

emilybrontescorset · 31/12/2015 13:35

Next time buy him a voucher and leave it at that.

Your dh is thoughtless.

I agree with you about the jewellery.
They will not get the true value of it buy selling it.

Sounds like both brothers are thoughtless and care little for their Kate mothers feelings.

Swipe left for the next trending thread