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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this or am I an ungrateful cow

85 replies

browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 12:43

So mill sadly passed away in July. They have finalised the the estate. They being dh and his brother. Bil has no children and we have 3 girls. Mil had very lttle jewellery. Most of it was donated to charity. She has some rings which are being put away for the girls. This was her wish.
According to dh she also had a couple of necklaces. So on Boxing Day we met up with bil and opened gifts. I was presented with joint gift from dh and bil. It was a cross on a trace chain which was all knotted up and had a broken clasp. I expressed appreciation due to the sentimental value.
Later when home dh told me that there was a better necklace but that was being sold as they felt it was worth a fèw hundred pounds.
So aibu to be hurt
Aibu to be hurt by this.

OP posts:
TheHiphopopotamus · 31/12/2015 13:37

I don't think YABU OP

Your Dh sounds like a bit of a thoughtless twonk if I'm honest. I'd knock the £600 Xmas list on the head for starters. What is he, 12?

Viviennemary · 31/12/2015 13:39

Yes I think it's really cheeky of them. If it was my DH I'd be the same. For a start to give it to you as a Christmas present when it was left to them is a bit off. (I got a book from DH which I'd already read. grrrr!!!!) I agree it's a thoughtless man.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 31/12/2015 13:41

It's a shame they couldn't have had the clasp mended and unknotted the chain, without that it comes across as a half-arsed effort of what was actually a nice idea.

Although, of course, it is also something that would have been nice to do separate to xmas, unless they had actually labelled it from your late MIL (which they didn't).

Your DH sounds pretty tight, OP. Flowers

Potatoface2 · 31/12/2015 13:45

it would not have cost much to take the necklace to a jeweler to have it cleaned, repaired and made presentable and put in a nice presentation box...thats just thoughtless of them both...cant believe you spent all that money on your husband though...he sounds entitled

sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 13:47

Is he usually tight with money, or is it just about presents? As in, is he fair about family money more generally? Your saying that your prescription sunglasses had to be a present as he didn't deem them necessary, while his own designer were a just because purchase, is startling to say the least. Do you both work outside the home, and is lack of money an issue in the family?

longingforfun · 31/12/2015 13:49

Why couldnt you/your dh buy the jewellery at the secondhand value? That way both dh and bil would get an equal share. I don't think its reasonable to expect you or your dd to benefit from the estate at the expense of your bil's share when it wasnt mentioned in your mil's will. Its important that the executors follow the letter of the law.

Isthatall1tis · 31/12/2015 13:51

I'd be hurt by such a thoughtless comment too, although I'd certainly be letting my OH know about it!

Any chance that you could agree to buy your own presents in future with only token "stocking-filler" type surprise presents?

As Queenbean says, if you would like to have the other necklace, then ask dp/bil to find out the scrap value and ask for half to be deducted from your dp's share of the estate. I lost both my parents recently, and it's exactly how we dealt with various sentimental items.

diddl · 31/12/2015 13:54

That sounds awful.

I think that they could have let you choose just one thing.

You may not even have wanted the "expensive" necklace!

But if you had, is money so tight that every last thing must be sold to get as much cash as possible?

LordBrightside · 31/12/2015 14:01

It doesn't matter. Let it go.

TrinityForce · 31/12/2015 14:08

Tell him he's upset you and why, don't just sit on it.

I think YANBU and he should know, otherwise he'll think all is well.

If he still doesn't get it, stop spending so much buying him nice presents every year when he doesn't do the same.

Floggingmolly · 31/12/2015 14:10

Fairly weird to give you the necklace as a joint Christmas present from him and his brother Hmm. But your take on wanting the more expensive jewellery as long term your girls would benefit from it is frankly ridiculous.
It wasn't left to either you or your daughters.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2015 14:12

Why are you buying him expensive presents when he gets you FA?

Is he always this tight and thoughtless?

YANBU.

mumeeee · 31/12/2015 14:18

YANBU over your DH's thoughtlessness. However why did you buy everything on his Christmas list and spend £600.
I thought the idea of a Christmas list was to give people ideas and the person buying just chooses a could of items to buy.
Well that's how it works in our family.

Theoretician · 31/12/2015 14:29

The brothers are being perfectly logical. Assets of no value given away to whoever wants them, assets of value sold so the value can be split.

If something of value is wanted by anyone, they can buy it from the estate.

There was never a thought process about what it would be nice to give to browneyedgirl, out of all assets available. The pool of assets for giving away only ever consisted of things that couldn't be sold.

FrameyMcFrame · 31/12/2015 14:44

Necklace should have been detangled and repaired if it was to be given as a present... What is he on????

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2015 15:10

The estate is between the brothers, 1/2 to each. It sounds as if MiL specified the rings for the girls, but not the other pieces? In that case those other pieces belonged, jointly, to the brothers. I agree with Theoretician. If your DH wanted you to have the more valuable jewelry, then he should have offered to pay BiL for his 'share' of it.

When our mother went into an assisted living and we broke up her household, my brother and I discussed the items we each wanted to keep. Because what I wanted was more valuable (furniture) it was valued and I paid him 1/2 of the value.

jelliebelly · 31/12/2015 15:12

Bit weird to wrap up as a Christmas gift whatever the back story. Sounds like your dh is a tight arse and you are way too generous - why do you think that is?

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 15:24

Monetary wise we probably spent about the same. Its just I made the effort to buy from the list. He just got a gift card which I will spend eventually. (Excluding the bits he got for himself ie the 600)
Partly my own fault for not giving a list but after 14 years of marriage he really shouldn't need one.
I made sure camera thing didn't happen btw.
Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 15:26

Not sure if she meant rings or all jeweller what is done is done.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 15:30

I think both brother took anything they particularly wanted and gave rest away. No totting up of value took place. The flat proceeds were divided 50 50 of course

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 31/12/2015 15:59

I understand you feeling like you do.

Since my mum died I have labeled all my jewelry with the name of who I want to have it. After mum died it was awful trying to work out who should have what, there were things she'd mentioned over the years but hadn't written down so there was some bad feeling. Them after dad died and the house was cleared, more bad feeling as things went to the wrong people or "disappeared". Everyone should be absolutely sure, that not only are their wishes known they are written down.

Perhaps you can buy the necklace from your bil if it's something you really want your children to have?

Sorry for going off on a tangent...

diddl · 31/12/2015 16:30

"Because what I wanted was more valuable (furniture) it was valued and I paid him 1/2 of the value."

Unless it was a huge amount of money, I just can't imagine doing this.

I wouldn't begrudge my sibling having something more valuable & expect them to have to pay me for doing so!

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 17:53

Money definitely not an issue. The value of the estate is nearly 300k so necklace a small part. Tbh I could ask to see it and than decide what I want to do.gTo answer other question I am a sah but have access to joint account. I got him one gift. The rest were from dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 18:20

ilove I know its not really my concern but I actually worked bloody hard helping with the house clearance . Bil gf also helped and dh brought her a spa day for her effort.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2015 18:25

diddl, it was a substantial amount of money for my brother. He doesn't have much and it enabled him to pay off a few bills.

If he had wanted the furniture instead of me, I would agree with you. DH and I are in a much more comfortable financial position and I wouldn't have expected him to pay me.

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