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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this or am I an ungrateful cow

85 replies

browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 12:43

So mill sadly passed away in July. They have finalised the the estate. They being dh and his brother. Bil has no children and we have 3 girls. Mil had very lttle jewellery. Most of it was donated to charity. She has some rings which are being put away for the girls. This was her wish.
According to dh she also had a couple of necklaces. So on Boxing Day we met up with bil and opened gifts. I was presented with joint gift from dh and bil. It was a cross on a trace chain which was all knotted up and had a broken clasp. I expressed appreciation due to the sentimental value.
Later when home dh told me that there was a better necklace but that was being sold as they felt it was worth a fèw hundred pounds.
So aibu to be hurt
Aibu to be hurt by this.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/12/2015 18:28

Partly my own fault for not giving a list but after 14 years of marriage he really shouldn't need one.I made sure camera thing didn't happen btw.

I've been married 35 years and make sure there's a list.

The camera should have come out of his birthday money.

As to your OP - YANBU. Thoughtless.

diddl · 31/12/2015 18:33

I suppose it does depend on the furniture!

I guess I'm thinking about what my dear old dad has!

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 18:33

YANBU
So they presented you with the necklace as a joint gift. Thats fine but, why not get it mended first before gifting it to you. That is mean.
And to sell the other one because its worth a few hundred quid Confused
Is DH and bIL hard up for cash?

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 18:34

Sorry just read your comment on 300k. I still think YANBU

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2015 18:38

They got you a broken necklace between them for Christmas. Remove all the sentiment and that's what happened. While the brother's GF got a spa day for helping out.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 18:52

Tbf bil also got me another small gift. It was something I asked for. Think bil name was added as it was part of mil estate. Bil got his gf a tiffany necklace.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 18:54

And the vouche from dh mrstp although vouchers are easy gifts.

OP posts:
80schild · 31/12/2015 18:58

It is bad that they didn't bother to get it mended and spruce it up but the way you have posted does make you sound ungrateful.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/12/2015 19:16

but the way you have posted does make you sound ungrateful.

Yes it does at one level. But that isn't the whole story - it's many years of crap gifts with no thought attached, from someone who goes out and buys whatever he fancies but if the OP wants something HE classes as a luxury she has to have it as a present.

Straws, camels, backs.....

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 19:20

Yes I guess I was just hurt that I was only worth the H samuel broken chain and cross. Dh made it clear that they considered the other one but selling it made more sense. Like they really needed the 250 quid it might fetch. Anyway going to ask some questions tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 19:24

Tbf it was me that originally suggested that mil gift that year went towardss the sunglasses as I had just purchased my 1st pair of varifocal glasses. Yet somehow dh decided that he would buy the glasses leaving me with sunglasses and a small cq as my birthday gift. I do not have family my side as my parents are deceased.

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 31/12/2015 19:35

OP , do you think your husband is tight, or just crap at buying you presents? He obviously can't read your mind. I would suggest you work on a lost for your birthday and Christmas. He's not going to go out and buy you a pile of lovely thoughtfully chosen gifts off his own bat, and if that's what you are hoping for then you are going to carry on being disappointed.

QOD · 31/12/2015 19:55

I'm. Sorry op.
mil estates make.people greedy
I speak from experience!
With £300 000 another few hundred makes no difference

My mum has made a.list that gives 1 item specifically each to myself, sis and our 3 dds.
then sis and I take from the rest 1 at a time.until.gone
it'll still lead to tears I bet

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 20:11

It really is so much simpler when there is little to distribute. My mum had very little of value and settling the estate was so simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 20:14

I think overall he probably is just crap at presents. He has realised I am upset and has told me to go out and treat myself but it isn't the same.

OP posts:
Andylion · 31/12/2015 21:28

OP, I do think your DH is thoughtless about presents, but you know that so you need to give him a list.
To be honest, the way you said this, "dh told me that there was a better necklace but that was being sold as they felt it was worth a few hundred pounds" makes it seem as though you only care about the money. Do you even know what the necklace looks like?

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 22:11

Tbh I don't care about the money. If I has been presented with a servicable piece of jewellery I would have bern happy.I just felt that no effort went I to it and being told " here is a piece of jewellery. Yes it it is broken and there was a much bdtter one but that was worth too much for you hurt"

OP posts:
diddl · 31/12/2015 22:30

There was no need to even mention the other necklace though was there?

The implication being that OP wasn't worth the better piece or even worth getting a broken thing fixed for.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 31/12/2015 22:38

Sadly thsts how I see it diddl

OP posts:
diddl · 31/12/2015 22:52

I think also the presenting it as a gift.

Just hand it over saying "we thought that you might like this of mums. Sorry not been able to get it fixed".

jacks11 · 31/12/2015 23:32

I think some PP are being a bit harsh on OP.

Yes, technically she is not "entitled" to any of her MIL's things. Technically, the settling of the estate/who gets what/what gets sold is not really anything to do with her and she has no right to be upset by what happens.

However, I don't think OP is being entirely unreasonable here- I don't think her main point is that she feels that she should have been given a valuable piece of her MIL's jewellery and is really miffed that she wasn't.

My reading of the OP's post (and clarified by her subsequent posts) was that the value of the item is actually not that important to her. What she was hurt by was the implied lack of value placed on her, given the poor state the necklace was in and then being told that there was another necklace of greater value which she could have been gifted but that she was not to be given that because "it was worth too much to give to you" that is causing hurt.

IMHO giving your wife/SIL a tangled, broken and dirty piece of jewellery whilst saying "there was a nicer one, but it was worth too much to give to you" is, IMHO, pretty thoughtless at best. At worst it is downright mean.

I don't understand why they even mentioned the "better" necklace TBH. Given the other background OP has given, it does suggest a chronic lack of thought on her DH's part. I can understand why she feels that he doesn't value her- not even bothering to repair the necklace AND then implying that the other one was far too valuable to be given to her could be taken to imply that he doesn't really respect or value her much.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 01/01/2016 00:17

Thank you jacks You have summarised exactly how I feel.
.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/01/2016 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
browneyedgirl1974 · 01/01/2016 00:56

Tbh I don't think either has any different sentimental value Both were quite new.
. Re the camera. Our dd broke my camera that I received as s birthday present. This should have been replaced. Yet dh thought great I can buy her one as a Christmas present as I do not know what to get her. Hardly thoughtful.
Re sunglasses. Dh had moaned about how expensive my last glasses were as it was my 1st varifocal presception. So to soften the blow I suggested that mil paid a sum towards sunglasses. Thus leaving dh free to buy me a gift. He decided to buy sunglasses within a budget. Thus meaning I eventually received sunglasses and a cq as a gift.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 01/01/2016 11:28

Like I said before stop buying him anything other than a voucher.

It does what it says on the tin.

Even though you are supposedly the most important person in my whole life, I can't be bothered to buy you one single thoughtful item.

You are worth less than a carefully chosen bottle of wine ( which is not that thoughtful). Much less than flowers or even less than cash which can be used anywhere, anytime, any place.

Yes you are only worth a voucher. Undoubtedly there wil be nothing good in the shop that comes to the exact value of the gift, so you will end up having to spend money on top of the voucher.
This is of course if you manage to spend the voucher before the shop goes into liquidation, in which case this ' gift' will be absolutely worthless, much like you.

Oh and out of 300k here's a broken ,ruined piece of jewellery which is worthless in monetary terms. Comes from a jewellery shop which its own owner described as ' total crap'.

Have a nice Christmas and make sure you buy ME exactly what I want.

Op yanbu.
Start enjoying doing things with your dc and make plans with friends.
Your dh is a twat.

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