to be hurt by this or am I an ungrateful cow

[browneyedgirl1974]

So mill sadly passed away in July. They have finalised the the estate. They being dh and his brother. Bil has no children and we have 3 girls. Mil had very lttle jewellery. Most of it was donated to charity. She has some rings which are being put away for the girls. This was her wish.
According to dh she also had a couple of necklaces. So on Boxing Day we met up with bil and opened gifts. I was presented with joint gift from dh and bil. It was a cross on a trace chain which was all knotted up and had a broken clasp. I expressed appreciation due to the sentimental value.
Later when home dh told me that there was a better necklace but that was being sold as they felt it was worth a fèw hundred pounds.
So aibu to be hurt
Aibu to be hurt by this.

He has now said go out and spend £100 as I managed to make him see I was hurt. Necklace was sold but tbh I don't think I actually want it now.

He has now said go out and spend £100.

He's still not getting it, is he?

I think it's up to them what they choose to give you or not give you from your MIL's estate. It's properly crass though to do as a Christmas gift, let alone a joint one from dp and bil. Crass and stingy, even before you discover there was a better one that's being sold.

Clearly they have form for this though. YANBU.

OP I think your problem here is your DH's thoughtless gift giving, not your MIL's estate as such. It's really hard to get this across to crap gift-givers though - they just don't and can't understand that the meaning of the gift isn't monetary value but the thought and care that goes into it - knowing the other person knows you and has been thinking of you and trying to find something that will give you pleasure. When someone just obdurately doesn't get this it's really dispiriting.

I guess we are just polar opposite when it comes to gift giving and receiving. He likes to make a list and expects me to do the same. I prefer to use my knowledge of the person and buy at least some surprises. Dh used to be like this. Before we married I used to get flowers on my birthday. That stopped once married. In the early years of marriage too I got the odd piece of jewellery or perfume.
Since the birth of the dc he has got worse.

No temp I don't think he ever will.
This current episode just opens up old wounds. Like whilst I was recovering in hospital post csection he went out and brought gifts for older dc from the new baby. Lovely thing to do and suggested by me. He also got himself a gift from the dd3. When I asked what had dd3 got me he said she didn't know what to get me!

It sounds to me like the problem is simple. You see the thought that goes into choosing a gift as a measure of how much the gift-giver cares for the gift-receiver, hence you're peeved that your DH appears to give little thought to the gifts he gets you.

But on the other hand, the fact that your DH gives you a list of what to get him means he doesn't see it as a test of 'thoughtfulness' but sees it purely as a functional transaction where the aim is make sure that the gift-receiver gets whatever they most want. And if you're not willing to tell him what you most want, then the best way for him to achieve that is to give you a voucher so that you can pick what you want yourself.

So to cut a long story short, no-one is right or wrong here, you just have different expectations of gift-giving. Maybe you need a compromise, such as you give him a list of what you want but he also knows he must buy you one 'thoughtful' present that's not on the list.

The thing though I did mention that jewellery may be nice as I don't really need anything. Maybe I need to be more specific. This was before I knew about the cross and the expensive pendant. Maybe that is where the cross idea came from.
Incidentally I spent some of my voucher on a bag and dhs response was "not another one!"
You probably have a point notdavid to a certain extent but the csection one was incredibly thoughtless.

Well he really is not going to change. He never got round to getting me a valentines card or gift. He suggested dd could chose one and put it in the supermarket shop I was doing. Err no, that is not the point. Sorry to post on old thread but today I noticed he hasn't even bothered to open the card I got him. I did get him a gift btw but it is something I like too fortunately.

Perhaps you should treat him in this way - crap/thoughtless/no presents on birthdays/Christmas and buy yourself your own gifts instead