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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lingerie from DH for Christmas

147 replies

fatbottomedgirl100 · 30/12/2015 09:56

Looking for an objective view as I might be being unreasonable here.

DH and I have been having problems with our sex live, it's down from many times a week to maybe once a fortnight. He's not happy with this and we've discussed it previously but haven't sorted it out yet. Tbh I've lost some of my attraction to him and we've been leading increasingly separate lives.

His Christmas present to me this year was two sets of lingerie, one nice expensive set and one cheap but quite funny set. I'm gutted... the nice set doesn't fit (I've gained a stone or so recently) and isn't something I would chose to wear and I feel like they we both Christmas gifts for him rather than me since he's keen to up the frequency of the sex and wants me to dress up for him.

I would have liked something to do with my hobbies or interests rather than a sex related gift... It makes me feel under pressure and like he's just thinking about what he wants rather than something I might like. AIBU?

In case it's relevant, my gift to him was two things related to his two separate hobbies, both of which he seemed to like. And his last 3 gifts to me have been fancy knickers (As he doesn't like my admittedly large M&S ones) and some of those kits with tiny pants and bras and hats. So I'm not short of lingerie as it is...

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 30/12/2015 10:07

YANBU that's a bit grim.

MrsChrisPratt · 30/12/2015 10:10

Yanbu

FlatOnTheHill · 30/12/2015 10:10

Yanbu.
They are for him.
Do these blokes think that some nice undies given as a gift will make us all horny for them Hmm. I would be disappointed to.

Lauren15 · 30/12/2015 10:13

I got a gift card for a lingerie shop for Xmas. It's so thoughtless but we've not been getting on well recently so I daren't make a comment in case it starts another argument.

cailindana · 30/12/2015 10:13

Two sets of lingerie?? One set you might say 'oh well not great but at least he got me X which was better' but two sets and nothing else? Yes, very obvious and very disappointing.

Chrysanthemum5 · 30/12/2015 10:14

Yanbu if you'd said you would like lingerie then that would have been fine, but just to buy it (especially since he didn't even get the right size) says he's not interested in what you want, just what matters to him.

Is the loss of sex part of a bigger issue? Why aren't you as attracted to him any more?

SparklyTinselTits · 30/12/2015 10:15

YANBU at all!
I would be gutted too if that's all my DH had got me for Christmas. Kind of days that he is only thinking about himself, and his wants rather than getting a thoughtful gift that you would appreciate...honestly, a thoughtful gift with my interests in mind would make me want to have sex with him!
This Christmas for example, DH got a me a surprise present that I really love...and I went and raided Ann Summers' sale of my own accord a few days ago.

SusannahD · 30/12/2015 10:16

Gosh YANBU, his last 3 gifts have been underwear you don't like. They are presents for him not you!

Crinkle77 · 30/12/2015 10:21

Yanbu. It's so unimaginative and cheesy almost.

CakeFail · 30/12/2015 10:23

Yanbu though I have to admit I asked for bra and knickers this year from DH as I need them. I like getting them but not 2 sets and nothing else.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 30/12/2015 10:24

YANBU, but you two clearly need to sit down and talk about things. You say you don't feel attracted to him and that you lead separate lives - is it worth talking to him and getting things back on track, or are you just not interested in being with him anymore?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/12/2015 10:25

I'm no expert.

You need to sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel about the underwear.

You say you're leading increasingly separate lives so sex isn't going to put that right.

Do you love him?

Branleuse · 30/12/2015 10:25

YANBU to not like badly fitting lingerie, but it sounds like youre just very accepting of the fact you dont find him attractive and are leading increasingly seperate lives, and he is trying to say that that is not the case for him, and he wants to reconnect. Its not nice to sneer at this. If you really dont fancy him anymore then thats a problem for both of you.

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 10:30

Underwear kits with hats?

Finola1step · 30/12/2015 10:31

I think from what you've described, yes he is thinking of himself.

How you broach the subject is a tricky one. If it were me, I'd simply say... "The underwear doesn't fit. If you've got the receipt, I can take it back and the buy something else that's a pressie just for me. But it might be best if you don't buy me undies from now on, I've got loads". If he doesn't get the massive hint and wants to know why you don't want the lingerie, then I would give him both barrels.

Finola1step · 30/12/2015 10:32

Oh yes, hats?

DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 10:41

Isn't it a sign of the beginning of the end? 'I will buy you sexy undies and you are in a no win situation. You hate them I can have a go and guilt you into more sex, you like then I get more sex. Excellent'.

LindyHemming · 30/12/2015 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 10:52

God how awful.

I absolutely detest that attitude in men and can't stand the inference of a gift like that.

Poor you.

jollygoose · 30/12/2015 10:56

I always used to get silk french knickers for christmas - I knew full well he had a thing about silky drawers and they were a present for him. now he wears silk boxers and I guess he gets his kicks that way.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/12/2015 11:02

I tend to get lingerie. But, it's an additional present - usually on Christmas Eve, because we're with family on Christmas Day - and it comes out of joint funds. Whichever of us spots something nice will buy it, and it's never been something that I didn't like, or that didn't fit. I do like lingerie though. And it's never been underwear with a hat, which sounds a bit weird!

It's very much a gift for "us", along with the other gifts for "us" like a bottle of champagne to share, and it's not part of "my" presents.

In your case, he's been a selfish git. You've got two issues though - that you are accepting of how things are and that he isn't, and that he has bought you gifts that you don't like. You need to deal with them separately. First, explain that they don't fit and ask for the receipt so you can take them back for something that you do want, although you might be limited if they came from Ann Summers or a niche sex store or something.

Then, talk to him about the separate lives. You might be happy to carry on as things are, living as a couple but not really together and not being attracted to him, but if he's not, it'll never work. You need to decide, together, what's gone wrong and whether you want to fix it. Is there a way back from this, or is this it? If you do want to try, how do you save it?

Helmetbymidnight · 30/12/2015 11:05

I get lingerie but no hats :)

Op this sounds a bit sad.

molyholy · 30/12/2015 11:07

Yanbu. That is grim. Talk about blatant. But please tell us about the hats?

whois · 30/12/2015 11:08

I'd be quite happy with one set of fancy lingerie, in addition to a 'real' gift for me. But we are in a happy relationship and I like having sex with him and I'm happy with my body so would enjoy showing it off to him in fancy pants.

YANBU in your situation tho!

BreakingDad77 · 30/12/2015 11:15

YANBU in terms of the presents which are for him essentially, if they have no real interest for you.

Though YABU and maybe him as well to just park this issue for a rainy day.

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