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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lingerie from DH for Christmas

147 replies

fatbottomedgirl100 · 30/12/2015 09:56

Looking for an objective view as I might be being unreasonable here.

DH and I have been having problems with our sex live, it's down from many times a week to maybe once a fortnight. He's not happy with this and we've discussed it previously but haven't sorted it out yet. Tbh I've lost some of my attraction to him and we've been leading increasingly separate lives.

His Christmas present to me this year was two sets of lingerie, one nice expensive set and one cheap but quite funny set. I'm gutted... the nice set doesn't fit (I've gained a stone or so recently) and isn't something I would chose to wear and I feel like they we both Christmas gifts for him rather than me since he's keen to up the frequency of the sex and wants me to dress up for him.

I would have liked something to do with my hobbies or interests rather than a sex related gift... It makes me feel under pressure and like he's just thinking about what he wants rather than something I might like. AIBU?

In case it's relevant, my gift to him was two things related to his two separate hobbies, both of which he seemed to like. And his last 3 gifts to me have been fancy knickers (As he doesn't like my admittedly large M&S ones) and some of those kits with tiny pants and bras and hats. So I'm not short of lingerie as it is...

OP posts:

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 30/12/2015 14:26

It's a terrible gift. It's only acceptable if the donor is 100% sure the donee wants this. I have in the dim and distant past been given very pretty, very expensive silk camisoles and French knickers but the donor knew I would like them and they weren't my only present.

The hat thing is obvious once it is explained. I didn't know without the explanation.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 14:27

Jesus wept! Someone would really love a set of underwear that's too fucking small?

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 14:30

'As for having to buy gifts related to your hobbies. No, no, no, no, no. One of your friends might do that, your roommate, your parents, a colleague at work.'

Says who? Isn't a gift about the recipient and what they want?

I'm glad I'm married to someone who considers what I might like rather than what he wants. I do the same for him.

OOAOML · 30/12/2015 14:37

I agree with expat, there's a lot of projecting on this thread about what people think are good and bad presents. As we're all individuals, why can't people understand that some people don't want underwear as a present and some people love it? And surely even if people do want underwear as a present, they want stuff that fits?

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 14:38

I wouldn't be pleased with it as a gift.

For a while DH bought me jewellery, nice thought you would think, but not to my taste and when I went to exchange it i was shocked at the cost of it. What I'd actually wanted and had stated that I wanted many times was a mac book air. Not for DH to spend the cost of it on something that I had no use for.

He also got me lingerie a few times, including if I remember it well as a present for having DS, because clearly some too small itchy underwear was just what I wanted when post-natally bloated and surviving on no sleep.The one underwear present I did love and still wear is a beautiful silk nightie from John Lewis, which has the dual purpose of being more attractive than my tshirt nighties, but is also comfy to sleep in.

I just had to tell him and point him towards my Amazon list. This year I was totally spoiled and got the macbook air I wanted (it's such a thing of beauty and probably a bit excessive for mumsnet surfing) plus some wonderful thoughtful gifts.

I don't know in your case if he's being an arse on purpose or not. You need to deal with the more fundamental issue of your marriage not fret about the underwear. Would you both be prepared to try Relate sessions?

GarlicCake · 30/12/2015 14:41

XH1 used to buy me 'sexy undies'. XH1 had a bit of a fetish about certain styles of underwear. The look was nice enough in general, but my overall impression was that he wanted to have sex with a 'look' not me. It felt as though it wouldn't much matter who was wearing the stuff - and, by extension, that he didn't want me ... unless I was performing the role of 'woman who wears this'. He pretty much insisted on full hair & make-up, too. It was more like getting ready for a bloody photo shoot than happy sex with my partner.

I certainly did not feel free to express myself sexually in that relationship.

There's a light year of difference between feeling yourself sexy - and bringing that to the bedroom - and being objectified as human filler for a certain fantasy. And it is objectification; we all know when that's happening to us.

Skzr1214 · 30/12/2015 14:42

He is thinking about his own needs to be fair if there was no other gift. But may be the lingerie is not what you should be worrying about right now. Sorting this attraction problem might be the key here. Good luck. Hope you two sort it out.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 30/12/2015 14:42

I'm at work so I can't do it, but I've never wanted to Google 'sex hat' so much in my LIFE.

Is it like this do you think?

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 14:43

Actually this thread has given me an idea.
I've put on a bit of weight so don't dress up in underwear as much as I used to, I think I'll get an outfit in the sale and give it to him as part of his birthday present, I'm sure he will appreciate it 1

GarlicCake · 30/12/2015 14:44

I forgot to add that XH2 bought me undies, too, and it felt completely different! He had his - erm, issues - but I was never in any doubt that he fancied me. That is a whole different experience from your partner fancying the clothes rather than the woman in them.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2015 14:47

My bf bought me a present relating to a hobby. And, as it happens, some saucy underwear. The former was greatly appreciated. The latter was met with gales of laughter (the intended response - it was very jokey!)

Both are fine in the context of a loving relationship.

Neither would've been welcome if they were intended as some passive aggressive hint to me.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 14:52

Just tell him straight out not to buy you anything like that ever again.

It's not what you want.

And then talk about what you do actually want.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 30/12/2015 14:54

YANBU

My ex used to do this. I'd gone off sleeping with him as he'd done something really shitty and it had really messed with my head and my sex drive. His answer was to buy me lingerie on every special occasion - Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's. It used to piss me right off. I don't see what joy he thought I could have got from wearing scratchy, slutty underwear. He was so obviously shopping for himself. A gift should be something YOU want, not what he wants.

LilaTheTiger · 30/12/2015 14:55

DP is googling sex hats as we speak. I'll keep you posted.

Awful though op. You need a proper chat about how the 'gifts' made you feel. Take no prisoners.

FATEdestiny · 30/12/2015 15:02

At a time when DH and I were just beginning to resolve our lack of intimacy - he bought be some obscenely expensive (and pleasantly classy) underwear as a gift.

I was appalled for the same reason the OP is. It made me feel under-pressure at a time we both knew we have significant issues with our sex life. After the he saw when I opened them, I took them upstairs to try on. They fit but it all felt wrong. I cried. I took them off, came downstairs with the look of someone clearly been crying. Declared deadpan "these feel horribly uncomfortable and I don't like wearing them" Handed them back in their packaging. I have never worn them again.

Suffice to say our sex life 'recovery' took a step backwards for a time. Ultimately we did solve things though. This all happened about 8 years ago.

That's the backstory.

If I received underwear from my husband for a gift now I would love it. That's because we now have a great sex life and a strong relationship.

When we were going through a difficult patch a decade ago, I can see with hindsight that it was his way of trying to help our relationship. He was trying to help me see that he found me sexy. It backfired though and definitely didn't help.

But he meant well and that is important.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 30/12/2015 15:03

Excellent. Team work!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/12/2015 15:17

He was trying to help me see that he found me sexy

I can see his thought process but in buying you the lingerie he wanted you to feel sexy so he could have more sex, so ultimtely a benefit to him (and to you if that's what you want obviously). I think gifts lose their appeal if they benefit the giver as much as or more so than the recipient.

LindyHemming · 30/12/2015 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wizzywig · 30/12/2015 15:32

Ok joking aside about hats, I went through a long spell of having no libido. Zilch. I really wouldnt have appreciated a lingerie gift and if my partner couldnt be bothered to open my underwear drawer to find my size id be really unimpressed. However, i went off the pill and everything suddenly changed. And my partner couldnt keep up with me. And it made him feel like shit. Just like i used to. Ive now gone back on the pill to kill my sex drive and its worked a treat. Normal service resumed and my partner now knows to treat me with much more kindness.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 17:07

My husband and I have a good sex life. But neither one of us would ever want underwear as a gift. To us, it's a necessity, even nice stuff. We prefer other types of gifts and yes, usually related to our hobbies. We respect each other's preferences in this as in other things in life.

DixieNormas · 30/12/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bekkyJ · 25/01/2016 16:17

I always got sets of underwear as a gift and that's why I have a lot of them now. But those presents didn't have any influence on our sexual life or life at all. We have good relationships, he buys me lingerie, I buy him different things as fishing rods, in general, something that he loves. Just love each other and everything will be okay

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