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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lingerie from DH for Christmas

147 replies

fatbottomedgirl100 · 30/12/2015 09:56

Looking for an objective view as I might be being unreasonable here.

DH and I have been having problems with our sex live, it's down from many times a week to maybe once a fortnight. He's not happy with this and we've discussed it previously but haven't sorted it out yet. Tbh I've lost some of my attraction to him and we've been leading increasingly separate lives.

His Christmas present to me this year was two sets of lingerie, one nice expensive set and one cheap but quite funny set. I'm gutted... the nice set doesn't fit (I've gained a stone or so recently) and isn't something I would chose to wear and I feel like they we both Christmas gifts for him rather than me since he's keen to up the frequency of the sex and wants me to dress up for him.

I would have liked something to do with my hobbies or interests rather than a sex related gift... It makes me feel under pressure and like he's just thinking about what he wants rather than something I might like. AIBU?

In case it's relevant, my gift to him was two things related to his two separate hobbies, both of which he seemed to like. And his last 3 gifts to me have been fancy knickers (As he doesn't like my admittedly large M&S ones) and some of those kits with tiny pants and bras and hats. So I'm not short of lingerie as it is...

OP posts:

wickedwaterwitch · 30/12/2015 13:02

Pmsl at the idea that a man buying underwear for his wife is a sex pest! Only on mumsnet...

BlueJug · 30/12/2015 13:03

I can imagine the thread. "We are having sex problems and my DP bought me gardening gloves for Xmas. Why couldn't he have bought me something that showed he still thinks of me as a woman?".

throwingpebbles · 30/12/2015 13:03

Hmmm whilst I can see why this was the wrong approach by him, I would also see it not as a reason to get angry but to get talking. You need to get your heads out of the ground and start tackling your relationship issues before it is too late

My now ex stopped wanting sex, would never say why or talk about it or discuss it, it was pretty miserable and whilst not the reason I left him it really didn't help either

Not saying anyone should have sex just to keep someone happy, but rather, as the vicar said in our wedding prep chat "sex is the barometer of a relationship; if sex isn't happening you need to start talking" (he was on his 2nd marriage!)

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:04

No you're wrong she's doesn't compare it to hobbies and rightly so - she wishes he'd had enough respect for her to buy her something at Christmas for her hobby that she likes and enjoys as she did him instead of forcing the problems of his sex life onto her by disrespecting her by way of buying her too small underwear he hoped she would dress up in and perform sex in to solve his problem

she was never comparing the sexy underwear to a hobby

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 13:05

You can laugh wicked but for OP and many others in unhappy relationships, being pressured into sex can be a real problem.

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:06

Well said fairenuff.

knobblyknee · 30/12/2015 13:07

Yes but there are also hats.

Hats. Its just me, isnt it.

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:10

Yeah wickedwaterwitch only on Mumsnet where real women come to talk about real problems (whether or not you feel it is a problem the OP does and in my opinion rightly so) and get help, advice and different opinions

woe is the women who has problems in her relationship and doesn't want to dress up in sexy underwear to solve it

midsummabreak · 30/12/2015 13:10

Tell him more chance of a better sex life if you share the housework & cooking
www.washingtonpost.com/news/local/wp/2014/08/14/couples-who-share-housework-have-the-most-sex-and-best-sex-lives/

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/12/2015 13:12

I'm right there with you on the hat thing, knobbly. I can't get past that minor yet glaring detail.

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:13

Yep as fairenuff said Wicked many women all over he world are pressured into sex every day by men - your gung-ho attitude doesn't help. Grrrrrrrrrr

WaterAngel · 30/12/2015 13:14

I too agree with brans posts.

last year my Dh bought me nothing for Christmas. Nothing. At all. Yes, we were away visiting family. Yes, we'd agreed just to buy something small for each other (told him in advance what I'd like, nothing overly difficult or expensive.) But guess what. He left it too late to track it down. So he got me nothing instead. Not even a token bottle of perfume/pair of earrings. He couldn't be arsed. I still feel the shock of that, a year later.

So OP, if you have any hope or faith left in your connection to your Dh, my advice is to try not to get too knotted up in your annoyance or disappointment. Buying a hobby gift was an easy option. He took a gamble, he lost. But he tried, he tried to communicate something to you.

Hope you can work it out.

Greengardenpixie · 30/12/2015 13:15

I cant get past the hat thing either!!!!!
Underwear sets with hats????
With hats?
Have i missed something all my life? Please link!!!!!!

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 13:16

Depressing isn't it, the way it's engrained into so many people's world views that a man should be entitled to sex and whatever sexual extras he likes, and it's somehow utterly laughable, the idea that a woman in a clearly unhappy marriage might be wholly entitled not to be pleased with a sex-focused Christmas gift.

And it's absolutely not only on MN.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/12/2015 13:18

But the hats thing.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 13:22

I think the hat joke's been done now. Wasn't even that funny to start with. It's a typo people, calm down.

midsummabreak · 30/12/2015 13:23

Yeah OP didn't say 'sex pest' , she stated she has been losing interest due to something changing in their relationship which is Hmmm maybe lack of sensitivity

supersop60 · 30/12/2015 13:24

hats - are we thinking maids' hats or teeny santa hats kind of thing?.

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:25

yup Holger and there are women totally brainwashed into that attitude and calling out another woman on here on it and wishing they had had a partner who bought them sexy underwear or would have been 'grateful' for a gift like that in their dwindling relationship

oh to never feel grateful to dress up in sexy underwear for a man

and it's nearly 2016 sigh

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/12/2015 13:26

A typo? Sex bats? Cats? Mats?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2015 13:31

I think it's one of those things that's about context isn't it?

If you're having a loving relationship with great, consensual, fun sex, then a saucy lingerie set is a bit of fun, a private joke between you, no problem.

But in the context of a crumbling relationship where lack of sex is a real problem that the couple can't talk about or get past, it is a much much more loaded present isn't it?

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/12/2015 13:32

That must be it super. Yanbu, OP. They do feel like presents for him.

wizzywig · 30/12/2015 13:32

A jaunty sailor's hat? What about a fedora? Tres mysterious!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2015 13:36

Here's a woman genuinely asking for help, feeling bewildered and upset and you're all still joking about the hats. Give it a rest eh?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2015 13:36

Here's a woman genuinely asking for help, feeling bewildered and upset and you're all still joking about the hats. Give it a rest eh?

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