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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lingerie from DH for Christmas

147 replies

fatbottomedgirl100 · 30/12/2015 09:56

Looking for an objective view as I might be being unreasonable here.

DH and I have been having problems with our sex live, it's down from many times a week to maybe once a fortnight. He's not happy with this and we've discussed it previously but haven't sorted it out yet. Tbh I've lost some of my attraction to him and we've been leading increasingly separate lives.

His Christmas present to me this year was two sets of lingerie, one nice expensive set and one cheap but quite funny set. I'm gutted... the nice set doesn't fit (I've gained a stone or so recently) and isn't something I would chose to wear and I feel like they we both Christmas gifts for him rather than me since he's keen to up the frequency of the sex and wants me to dress up for him.

I would have liked something to do with my hobbies or interests rather than a sex related gift... It makes me feel under pressure and like he's just thinking about what he wants rather than something I might like. AIBU?

In case it's relevant, my gift to him was two things related to his two separate hobbies, both of which he seemed to like. And his last 3 gifts to me have been fancy knickers (As he doesn't like my admittedly large M&S ones) and some of those kits with tiny pants and bras and hats. So I'm not short of lingerie as it is...

OP posts:
whatisforteamum · 30/12/2015 11:17

On a positive note he bought a smaller size so perhaps sees you as you were iyswim.My Dh once bought me 2 sex toys as xmas pressies eventhough we were in our 20s and had a great sex life.sorry you have an insensitive one too.

Chewbecca · 30/12/2015 11:17

Lingerie canbe an OK present, DH usually buys me some for Christmas and I enjoy receiving it. But it is not my only present and he makes an effort to buy stuff I would like (nice material etc), and always the right size.

thinking about his motives, it could be that he wants to improve your relationship and make you feel better, it could be saying he doesn't want you to lead increasingly separate lives and would like some intimacy back. Which is not a bad sentiment is it? It was clumsy but it may have been an olive branch.

If you don't want to improve your relationship, that needs sorting.

icanteven · 30/12/2015 11:19

I love the idea that OP is reading this thinking "Wait, what? Everyone else doesn't do the hat thing too?"

Return the ridiculous lingerie. Explain to your DH that you get that there is a problem, but itchy knickers aren't going to fix it. And then maybe make this Spring the season you sort things out together and rekindle your relationship on more thoughtful terms - you say you're leading increasingly separate lives, and that sex has dropped from several times a week to once a fortnight, so obviously you both need to do something proactive here to get things back on track. Do you have children? Do you want to fix your relationship?

Everyone is being mean about him, but the way I see it, he's just (pretty ineptly) saying "I don't know how to fix this! I really fancy you!". He's not saying it very helpfully, but it's better than ignoring you and withdrawing into himself.

Incidentally, if you want big comfy knickers, try Jack Wills. Lots of box sets in the sale right now and they're massive with lovely thick waistbands, and somewhat more inventive colours than M&S. Nice warm vests too. #outingmyselfasthejackwillsknickerevangelist

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 11:30

I can't imagine how he thought that this would be a welcome gift. It's a bit like saying to him that you wish his penis was longer and then giving him a penis extension for Christmas.

If he is this insensitive that might explain why you've gone off him. However, that won't solve the problem. Do you think you want to stay together?

hefzi · 30/12/2015 11:30

I'm personally not bothered by underwear as gifts, because I wear it for me - and I go through bras at a rate of knots for some reason: and I'm not necessarily sure that buying you a nice, expensive set is necessarily indicative of his desire for sex - not everyone equates lovely underwear with sex after all. Similarly, the funny set may just have been a gag gift, rather than a "gift for him" - I'm not entirely convinced all men find scratchy red nylon "lace" etc as a turn on The whole "dress up for me thing" is a bit nauseating, though, and he needs to remember that it's about what both of you find a turn on - you're not just a performer for him Hmm

However, you need to talk to him about this - both the fact that you feel these are gifts for him, and the fact that he's putting you under pressure to do what he wants sexually without, apparently, much attention to what might work for you. No doubt he thought these gifts might be a good idea because you've already been discussing the issue about lack of sex - but have you actually told him what you've written here, that you're just not that interested any more? It honestly sounds from your OP that you need to reconnect with each other - if you want to get things back on track, of course - and you need to start talking honestly and openly for that even to have a chance to happen.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/12/2015 11:33

OK it is possible that this was a well-meant clumsy gesture, but youknow him best - does that seem likely? Buying stuff that's too small could be a way of saying he doesn't see you as fat, or something... But it sounds like there's a lot more that needs to be fixed here.

LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2015 11:38

What kind of underwear comes with a hat?
Is this a new trend I am not aware of . Can you now get underwear to match headgear. I asked for a waxed hat with a flower on the side as one of my christmas presents, for walking in the rain - might it have come with matching waxed underwear? Smile

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 30/12/2015 11:38

Incidentally, if you want big comfy knickers, try Jack Wills. Lots of box sets in the sale right now and they're massive with lovely thick waistbands

Really? I'd never have assumed they would have comfy knickers.

LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2015 11:39

But to answer your question YANBU. It would be nice to feel he had thought about you as a person he loves rather than thinking about sex.

LindyHemming · 30/12/2015 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 11:45

I want to make it clear I have absolutely nothing against lingerie in general and no problem with the concept of it as a gift. I do have a problem with it in this context though, because it shows such a fundamental misunderstanding of the situation.

Does he think you just need to 'spice things up' a bit? Because you say you're no longer attracted to him and usually that means there are deeper issues to be dealt with. Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Otherwise you might be better off being honest about that and putting yourself and him out of your respective miseries.

JapanNextYear · 30/12/2015 11:48

I have the most tactless husband in the world and this is exactly the kind of thing he would do in a completely tone deaf kind of way. We aren't having much sex ergo I'll buy some sexy underwear for her. In fact he has done this, and if prompted us to sit down an talk. Really talk, about whether we wanted to get back on track and, if we did, which we did, how.

I'd suggest you might be overdue that chat.

Hats?

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2015 11:48

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

The underwear was probably his, slightly clumsy way, of telling you he finds you desirable and he wants to improve your sex life. Sex is important in a relationship, and I disagree with the inference that the lingerie is a present for him not for both of you. Surely sex should be a mutually enjoyable thing, not something you put up with?!

Presumably also you'd rather he buy you underwear than someone else as well?!

I say, stick them on, don't worry if too small, and see what happens!

knobblyknee · 30/12/2015 11:50

hats.

Hats?

Fucking hell.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/12/2015 11:56

better a hat than a paper bag!!
Sorry no help... I wouldnt want undies either .. hat or no hat ..

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/12/2015 11:56

YANBU. Even in a good relationship I dislike receiving sexy lingerie (unless requested) from men as I always see it as more a present for them than me. In a not so good relationship it would seem even less for my benefit.

Branleuse · 30/12/2015 11:56

is there actually something wrong with a man buying things for his wife like that? I mean husbands and wives are kind of assumed to be sexual partners and be into each other in that way. If you start treating signs that your husband actually fancies you, and wants to have sex with you, as some kind of sexual harrassment, then you have urgent problems

Creampastry · 30/12/2015 11:59

Marks and Spencer's had an ad campaign about men buying lingerie for their partners - perhaps he saw this? No big deal imo.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 12:00

Nowhere in any rules of marriage handbook does it say that a wife must enjoy dressing up and 'performing' sexually for her husband. Many women who enjoy sex very much do not necessarily enjoy being made up to look like some kind of performing doll for his pleasure. Nothing wrong with it if that's what you like, but it's not a widely duty!

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 12:00

Sigh. Wifely*

Fluffy24 · 30/12/2015 12:04

If you start treating signs that your husband actually fancies you, and wants to have sex with you, as some kind of sexual harrassment, then you have urgent problems

^this

He sounds a bit clumsy but I'm guessing he's not thought about how it might make you feel and is doing the only thing he can think of to get back to the 'good old days'.

I think you need to talk about it but be wary of sounding like he's getting a hard time - it's not his fault that you don't feel the way you did in the past and I can well imagine that he's miserable about it and doesn't know what to do.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 12:12

If you start treating signs that your husband actually fancies you, and wants to have sex with you, as some kind of sexual harrassment, then you have urgent problems

I think OP knows this which is why they are trying to talk about it. Under the current circumstances the gift could be seen as harrassment, yes. I think that if OP wants to stay in this relationship they may need professional counselling to get to the root of the problem. If she just doesn't fancy him anymore then nothing much can be done.

Presumably also you'd rather he buy you underwear than someone else as well?

What do you mean by this Shox?

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 30/12/2015 12:12

I've had undies as pressies from dh before. I never thought of it like that.
I think it's all about the context of the relationship. If you both like the effect on your sex life then it's fine.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/12/2015 12:15

Buy undies is a bit like saying - well we share the car - so brought you petrol.!!

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 12:16

I think the meaning is quite clear - keep your man happy by dressing up for him regardless of how you feel; you wouldn't want him to stray now, would you, so just be happy and do it.

Obviously more context is needed. If you haven't told him there are issues and you've just sort of let things sleepwalk into that awful living together but not actually together stage, then you owe it to him to let him know. Otherwise he could quite innocently be thinking that he was making a cheeky gesture to inject some excitement into your relationship.

Still think it's a crappy gift, though. Especially as it was the only gift he got for you.

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