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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lingerie from DH for Christmas

147 replies

fatbottomedgirl100 · 30/12/2015 09:56

Looking for an objective view as I might be being unreasonable here.

DH and I have been having problems with our sex live, it's down from many times a week to maybe once a fortnight. He's not happy with this and we've discussed it previously but haven't sorted it out yet. Tbh I've lost some of my attraction to him and we've been leading increasingly separate lives.

His Christmas present to me this year was two sets of lingerie, one nice expensive set and one cheap but quite funny set. I'm gutted... the nice set doesn't fit (I've gained a stone or so recently) and isn't something I would chose to wear and I feel like they we both Christmas gifts for him rather than me since he's keen to up the frequency of the sex and wants me to dress up for him.

I would have liked something to do with my hobbies or interests rather than a sex related gift... It makes me feel under pressure and like he's just thinking about what he wants rather than something I might like. AIBU?

In case it's relevant, my gift to him was two things related to his two separate hobbies, both of which he seemed to like. And his last 3 gifts to me have been fancy knickers (As he doesn't like my admittedly large M&S ones) and some of those kits with tiny pants and bras and hats. So I'm not short of lingerie as it is...

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/12/2015 12:19

Pe so ally, I don't like dressing up or silly underwear or performing a role during sex. So a man who bought me underwear either wouldn't know me very well or would be knowingly barking up the wrong tree, which could make me feel angry, pressured or upset possibly. I wouldn't appreciate this as a gift.
In the context of a relationship where the man wants more sex and hasn't bought the wife anything thoughtful that she will actually enjoy, this is an appalling gift.

BadgersNadgers · 30/12/2015 12:20

I want a sex hat. Is it an Ann Summers thing?

BlueJug · 30/12/2015 12:20

I used to love getting lingerie as it told me he saw me as a sexy person rather than just "Mum/Wife" .

Hobbies are dull. Things for the house are just things for the house. Personal things are so difficult to choose and usually lead to cries of "but he just doesn't know me"

This is why presents are a nightmare. he is damned whatever eh buys really.

The sex life question is something you need to sort out - as you know - but leave the red herring of presents out of it. he is trying - you might not see it that way but I bet he does. He wants to show you he still fancies you.

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2015 12:23

I have never had a sex hat - I've clearly been doing it wrong all these years!

TendonQueen · 30/12/2015 12:23

Glad it wasn't just me who read the OP and thought 'hats??' Confused

You know him OP, you have to judge whether this is just a misjudgement or ingrained selfishness. Could you suggest swapping the underwear for a weekend away instead? Then you could have some talking and reconnecting time as well as time for sex, potentially. And talk to him about how things can be better for you as well as from his point of view.

44PumpLane · 30/12/2015 12:24

YANBU- as an extra gift it's fine, as your only gift it's shite! My husband likes the sexy undies thing and it's a bit of a bone of contention that I don't do it enough (just never think, not that I have any objections to it) so as an extra gift for Christmas I bought HIM an inexpensive set of sexy undies for me to wear for him- as its a gift for him- he loved it!

You need to ask him why he thinks that a gift for him is a good thing to buy you as your main present! Naff!

Branleuse · 30/12/2015 12:24

well of course noone should feel pressurised into wearing sexy lingerie, but maintaining intimacy in a relationship is vital to stop each other becoming fucking miserable surely, whether it leads to straying or not.

If you sneer at your partners attempts to engage you sexually or get pissed off that theyre actually into you, then the relationship is on very shaky ground already. Cheating or breaking up is generally the next stage.

SeaCabbage · 30/12/2015 12:25

I think the point is that if he had given you one set as an extra present to something he knew you would like, then maybe that would be nice but as your only presents, that is thoughtless shit.

Lots of talking due. Good luck with that.

ditto others re the hats. Please come back and explain. Smile

BlueJug · 30/12/2015 12:27

PS I bought DP a cock ring for his last birthday and silk boxers for this. Am I harassing him. No I fancy him - and want him to know that.

Several Christmases ago I bought lickable chocolate spread. I was not demanding that he get an erection for me or that sexual performance was a Husbandly Duty. It is something some couples do. Why assume otherwise?

OPs DP is not being weird - just in a male way saying he still fancies his partner. I suspect that whatever he'd bought there would have been a problem. The problem is in the relationship.

I hope that you sort it out OP - whichever way you go.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 12:30

Yes, the crux of the matter here is that you do need to talk. And soon.

ninared · 30/12/2015 12:33

YANBU

totally unacceptable in the current situation of your relationship that you explained

100% thinking of himself and his sexual needs - he obviously assumes in his little brain that if you dress up for him you'll 'do it' / want him more

gross

I'd be seriously rethinking everything

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 30/12/2015 12:33

If you're in a healthy, happy relationship, with a good sex life, and enjoy being bought lingerie, that's one thing.

If you're in a relationship where things aren't great, and one person has been moaning about there not being enough sex, then all they buy you is sex related, it's a bit crap.

He was thinking with his dick, and is being a sex pest.

PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 12:38

Buying lingerie is a fucking cliché, I've never found that having lingerie makes me feel loved and wanted, it's a gift for the man to enjoy.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 12:39

I bought DP a cock ring for his last birthday and silk boxers for this. Am I harassing him. No I fancy him - and want him to know that.

Actually, whether you are harrassing him woud depend on his feelings about this, not yours. That's the whole point.

If you received unwanted sexual attention from a man he would not be able to justify it by saying 'I fancy her - and want her to know that.'

In OP's case, there is clearly an issue and she does fell harrassed so this is an inappropriate gift.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 12:42

^ Yes, x1000

BlueJug · 30/12/2015 12:45

If you think he is a sex pest for wanting more sex with you and of buying you something nice to try to show you that he fancies you then the relationship is probably already over.

If you post on line to get validation that he is pestering you when he, in his way, tries to show that he fancies you and wants to stay in a sexual relationship with you then that is what you will get. If you wanted more "bits for your bike", "gadgets for your baking" or new knitting needles then you should have said rather than leave the poor guy to guess.

(Also don't assume that he "loved" his presents. He may be wondering why you had no more imagination than to buy something connected to one of his hobbies - again. Maybe he wanted something that showed that you loved him as a person - who knows - we ALL get it wrong with presents sometimes but don't usually know)

If you see it as him trying - then there is hope. If you don't fancy him and you complain, sneer, belittle him for his attempts to kindle a spark then effectively the marriage as such is over - you can be friends or partners but not a couple.

I would abandon this thread now and just sit down and talk. Hope that you can sort it out - really. Good luck OP.

Branleuse · 30/12/2015 12:48

if the relationship is that shit that you feel harrassed by underwear then any gift is a waste of money except maybe a divorce certificate or an appointment to see Relate

If my husband felt harrassed by me coming onto him and trying to reignite the spark in the relationship, even if i was a bit clumsy about it, and demanded presents based on his hobbies outside the relationship instead and for me to just shut up about the lack of sex, id hope id feel strong enough to tell him to fuck off

ninared · 30/12/2015 12:49

Oh BlueJug you are comparing sex in a marriage to a hobby?

really?

OnlyLovers · 30/12/2015 12:49

He was thinking with his dick, and is being a sex pest.

I agree with this, and don't think it means the relationships is probably already over. Hmm

It's very insensitive. A thoughtful present would have been something he knew you would appreciate –like something related to one of your hobbies. It would show that he listens when you talk about your interests and that he remembers what you like to do.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 12:50

Why would OP abandon a thread she started less than 3 hours ago? She may want more support or advice.

ninared · 30/12/2015 12:53

and buying sexy underwear for a woman as a Christmas gift when you have sexual relationship problems does not mean that he simply fancies you

a woman is not an object to be bought fripperies to dress up in to solve problems

wickedwaterwitch · 30/12/2015 12:56

Good posts from branleuse, I agree. OP, YABU IMO

I feel a bit sorry for the OP's Dh - he was, presumably, trying to say 'I fancy you, let's get this back on track' - since when was buying nice underwear for a spouse something horrible?

BlueJug · 30/12/2015 13:00

ninared - no I am not comparing sex with a hobby - the OP was. I am doing the opposite.

That is the point - and Branleuse put it very well.

And the OP needs to talk to her DP and see whether they can save their marriage - not a lot of people who will tell her he is a sex pest and only thinking of his own pleasure. Only her DP can tell her how he feels and why he bought what he did - not us. She is only going to make things worse by hearing all this and maybe whipping up feelings of outrage before she even talks to him.

ninared · 30/12/2015 13:00

Branleuse your opinion is interesting but totally missing the point from the OP - she is not you and is not wanting to 'come onto' her partner and states that here are problems and that she is not happy.

Clearly you have not been in this situation.

Never say never tho Grin

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 13:01

If the relationship is that shit that you feel harrassed by underwear then any gift is a waste of money except maybe a divorce certificate or an appointment to see Relate

Maybe if he had thought carefully about what OP would actually like or appreciate, she would feel more loved by him. Sexual desire can easily be extinguished by lack of care.

Problems with sex are usually indicative of underlying emotional problems, or personal self esteem, ill health or any other matter not actually related to sex. He is trying to put a sticking plaster over the problem rather than looking for the cause of it.

There are plenty of presents that would make a person feel respected and cherished and more in love with their partner than ever. It might be tracking down a fondly remembered childhood book, for example, which would show a lot of care and really make your heart flutter.

Also, there are the little things every day that really keep the relationsihp alive. The things that show care, that show that you've been thinking about your partner. These are all the gestures that keep the relationship special and intimate and if he's not doing them, undies at Christmas won't make a jot of difference.

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