To ask what incorrect or useless advice gets repeatedly doled out here?

[ComposHatComesBack]

Aside from the ubiquitous 'book a spa day and leave him to deal with the kids.' There are a few old chestnuts that get rolled out regularly despite them being useless or counterproductive.

Every time there's a thread on mislabeled goods, someone will come on to the thread, absolutely adamant that the shop have to sell at that mis-labelled price.

On debates about baby on board stickers, there will be people who will be adamant that they are recommended by or useful to the emergency services. As if a team of highly trained rescue team is going to think 'sod it, I can't see a garish daddy's little princess sticker, let's not bother checking in the back'.

Those are just mostly annoying, but I sometimes worry about poorly-informed blowhards merrily typing in bad advice without thinking of the consequences. The stock response to landlords dragging their feat over repairs: 'get a tradesperson in to do the work and then send the bill/get them to send the bill to the landlord'

• Yeah because once you've explained that, no you don't actually own the house and you won't be actually paying them for the work or the materials, but instead will be forwarding the bill to a landlord who's shown no inclination to fix the problem so far, so in all likelihood they'll never see a penny, you'll have tradespeople fighting like rats in a sack to take on the job.

Even more daft and dangerous is the advice to 'withhold the rent and use the money to fix the problem' which puts some poor sod at risk of eviction.

And more than once, i've seen posters with mortgage arrears or negative equity being told to ' hand back the keys to the mortgage provider and walk away' as if thebank or building society are then going to think 'yeah fair dos' forget about the mortgage debt.'

I hope to God no one has taken this useless and at times dangerous advice at face value!

I agree with someone upthread who said about posters coming onto a thread with their own particular axe to grind, also posters whose judgement is totally clouded by their own reactions to and experience of something and end up shouting "if you don't do what I say this will happen". No two situations are exactly alike and nor are individuals reactions to them.

Not advice but I do hate the way people excuse their partner/dh behaviour by saying "but he's wonderful dad" - wonderful dads don't treat the mother of their children like crap.

Agreeing with a PP about Lundy Bancroft. If it helps people to read it then brilliant - but all people can be grouped into 'types'.

It's not groundbreaking. Jung identified personality types decades ago. All people will fall somewhere on or between certain 'types'. There are no true individuals in this world which makes sense given how many billions of people exist.

The models for mental illness which led eventually to diagnostic criteria was based on we have X amount of people exhibiting this behaviour/thought process so they were grouped into psychosis/mania/depression/anxiety.

I said this on a thread about Bancroft once - great if it helps but it's not ground breaking that people exhibiting abusive behaviour will fall into types or sub-types because everyone will and I was told it was people like me that 2 women a week are murdered

Dipan, I said what my basis for disagreeing was. I can tick 4 of those boxes for my non-ASD child who was being bullied and 3+ for two other non-ASD children. So they aren't distinctive ASD traits. As I said in my above post (which Nicki didn't bother reading) I don't think they are distinctive ASD traits - just a list of traits that children with ASD may have.

Nicki, I didn't say that you used the word 'distinctive' - YeOldeTrout asked to provide a list of list of 5 distinctive ASD traits. You gave the above list. I disagree that they are distinctive ASD traits. If you don't think they're distinctive yourself then I'm not sure why you posted them in response to YeOldeTrout.

TBH I'd be very wary if I came across someone in a professional capacity suggesting that a combination of the traits on that list makes an ASD diagnosis 'stand out a mile' without knowing much about the child or their individual circumstances (as you wouldn't on the internet). That's probably because of my own experience though. I know that a misdiagnosis could have had a really negative effect in our situation. Each to their own though. Peace and love to all.

One of the things that really pisses me off, and has stopped me posting during a very difficult time, is the almost rabid view that if you are on decent money at work then your employer owns you body and soul and you should expect to work 100 hours a week and deal with it, not the most helpful of advice ....

The assumption is that you're not entitled to any life as you're well paid.

My post should read - -That MEANT two women a week are murdered.

FFS, Bumbley, I now see exactly what Nicki means about pointless argument. You still haven't said why it matters. No-one is suggesting that people take the opinions of strangers on the internet as gospel, but there are times when it doesn't hurt to point out alternative possibilities when people write about behavioural problems that could be indicative of ASD.

Often with reference to suspected affairs, but also to many other things:

"Always trust your gut instinct."

My instinct has been wrong loads of times. So have various partners'. Hasn't everyone dealt with jealous people? Hasn't everyone been jealous themselves at some point?

Gut instinct is incredibly unreliable, it appears to me. And this thread just proves the existence of loads of people who dish out wrong information because of THEIR instincts.

Bumbley asd is a spectrum, maybe the kids that you mentioned have some of the above symptoms, are actually on the spectrum. Asd is not only about sitting in a corner spaced out! And yes when professionals make the diagnosis they do base it on the above list plus spending a few hours with the child

" wonderful dads don't treat the mother of their children like crap"

Nobody ever adds "in front of the kids"

Two adults who bring out the worst in each other, dislike one another and divorce, can still separately be wonderful mothers and fathers to their children.

Yes, Maryz, it would.

Refer to my post up thread Maryz and observe a perfect example

Oh, you're struggling with pregnancy at somewhere in the first/early second trimester? Sorry, but you should force yourself to go to work, no matter your medical conditions, it's not going to get any better and you can't take the whole pregnancy off".

I have SPD and gestational diabetes and am about 30 weeks. I had to take about a month off midpregnancy, and had my manager prepared for the idea this might be it for pregnancy because I COULD NOT WORK and the internet was preparing me for the idea it only got suckier from here on out.

Surprise! The SPD had suddenly got worse because of something I had done that had (unbeknownst to me) seriously strained my pelvis and trying to work through the pain was making it worse. A solid month of rest, private physio and the sort of painkillers you can neither drive nor work on, and I improved a lot. The GD was awful, but what was actually killing me was the side-effects from the pills I was on it. Actually finding the right insulin cocktail made all the difference. I've been back at work a good while, but for a while there they had me on high alert for depression because the idea I would feel that crap continually for the rest of pregnancy and should somehow just cope was too much.

I've seen that advice given to people suffering a variety of pregnancy issues, including from my memory Type 1 diabetes + severe morning sickness, from people who clearly have no idea that there are some pregnancies you cannot just suck it up and work through.

Also "Ooo, no, you don't want to give up and go on maternity leave yet, you want to save that time to spend with the baby". Hi, I'll be going on maternity leave at 32 and a half weeks. Why? Because besides from trying to deal with this medical condition I've been told that from 34 weeks at the latest I'll be seeing the midwife, consultant, and diabetes team at LEAST once a week. I work three days a week, one appointment takes at least half a day and the only day those appointments are available is on one of my rota'd to work days. And that's without any extra "crap, we want to keep an eye on this" appointments. There comes a point where you don't have to be told you're taking the piss, however necessary your appointments and understanding your manager, and honestly if it does get bad I don't want to be screwing around trying to give work medical updates on top of sorting emergency childcare for Kid1.

In summary, those of us with crap pregnancies feel crap enough already, and I would really like those people with relatively simple pregnancies to quit talking like they're anywhere near equivalent.

But I didn't say that "a combination of traits would "make an ASD diagnosis stand out a mile". Why are you saying that? I think you'd better read my posts again Bumbley as you alone on this thread seem to be the only person who is having trouble comprehending what I am actually saying. Everyone else gets it. You're either struggling to understand what I am saying or wanting an argument. A mix of both probably.

Sorry to derail the thread. :( (slaps own wrist)

Most the stuff on Nikki's long list applied to DS... who doesn't have ASD. Just doesn't. Complete PITA, though.

Doitanyways list does not apply to DS (ok, some anxiety, but I think we know anxiety is not just an ASD thing).

Wouldn't matter except that many people especially knee jerk thinkers like to insist that parents are total screwups to have a child with behaviour problems unless the child has SN. Like there can't be other reasons for kids to be difficult that aren't anyone's fault. The prejudice is SN or Parent-Failure (or maybe other adult abuser) no other options allowed.

If they are bright enough they don't need any preparation for 11 plus.

I wouldn't sit a 3 hour exam without Being familiar with the format and having ensured I'd covered all the syllabus. But it's ok for a 10 year old??

I am aware of one mum who did this. Child Got so flustered on clapping eyes on vr for questions for the first time was removed from the exam. Shame as the other parts he scored so highly he only just failed despite missing 1/3 of the exam.

I often see trotted out Tutoring is bad but then say they are going over bond papers with them but this isn't tutoring ???

People who talk about RG universities as though they're the British equivalent of the American Ivy League.

They are not.

sugar, I am utterly horrified to read that a poster here messaged you that. Disgusting human being. Very sorry for your loss

I don't think there's any harm in suggesting ASD though and that's what the argument is here. That it shouldn't be suggested and that the suggestion could be "detrimental" to finding out what is the issue with a child who is struggling. I don't understand why the mere suggestion would be detrimental. I don't understand why it can't just be an accepted suggestion when discussing behavioural issues in a child. Why does it cause annoyance and rolled eyes when posters suggest it?

I've talked to a few people on MN over the years via PM about the possibility of ASD and or ADHD, also dyspraxia as I have experience of all three conditions. I have to say that whenever I have thought it possible that a child has a spectrum condition from details given and then further questioning, that child has always gone on to be diagnosed. As I said there's just certain things that ring bells and sometimes they continue to ring and I will say something and sometimes they won't so I don't. Which is what I was saying all along, not that ALL posts regarding children with these traits MUST be assessed for ASD, but that it's a possibility and should be considered.

Nicki, your posts are perfectly clear. A child demonstrating some of the behaviours you have mentioned may be ASD. It's worth investigating further and ruling out or taking further. My son has language delays but none of the other traits you mentioned - my slt and hv suggested we watch and see but it's highly unlikely. It's not in any way offensive or dangerous to look at possible reasons for a behaviour and either discard them or follow them up.

Bumbleymummy, I can't think if a single reason why it would have been a problem to consider ASD in relation to your son alongside other possible drivers such as the bullying you discovered. You seem very fixated on this. No one is saying a 100% diagnoses should be made from this list in isolation.

Dipan, why it matters? It would have mattered a lot to us to have someone misdiagnosing our child with with ASD because they thought his behaviour 'stood out a mile as ASD' when he was being bullied. We're still dealing with the fall out from the bullying not being recognised and dealt with quick enough over a year later - stress/anxiety/low self esteem etc. That's why I bothered to disagree with the idea that the list was distinctive ASD traits. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much that I disagreed to be honest. I'm not saying that they aren't traits that ASD children can have (I made that very clear) - just that they aren't distinctive.

IWouldRather - I know what you mean. It's hard to discuss things like that without people jumping in with "You're lucky you have a job that pays you well." etc.

Westley Yes, definitely. The 'trust your instinct' one can be dangerous. Yes, sometimes our instincts are right but quite often they're not. I think confirmation bias comes into play a lot there. People only remember the times their instinct was right about something and forget all the times it was wrong.

AnotherTime - again, I was commenting on the list being given as a distinctive list of ASD traits. I also said it's different to being used along with having the opportunity to discuss the individual child with parents/teachers etc.

I don't understand why the mere suggestion would be detrimental.

I guess it would be fine if it was easier to ignore unhelpful suggestions. I'm working on it.
It's a bit like when you're telling your mates about problems & they keep suggesting man like how to fix each one. And you sit there thinking "Oh FFS, I just needed a whinge not a wannabe life-fixer, don't you get that?"

YeOldeTrout - I'm glad I'm not the only one with a child without ASD that ticks those boxes.

Nicki:
"I don't think there's any harm in suggesting ASD though and that's what the argument is here. That it shouldn't be suggested ..."

Um, no. Is that what you think? How many times do I have to say that I was disagreeing with the idea that your list was a list of distinctive ASD traits - which is what you were asked for. Perhaps it's you who needs to go back and read posts. (Especially when you've already said you didn't bother to read them)

You're displaying more ignorance each time you post bumbley. Have you the faintest idea how hard it is to even get a referral for assessment for a spectrum condition? It often takes years, literally years. There's is no chance that anyone would have been misdiagnosing your child. The most you'd have got was a two minute chat and then dismissal. I had to go to the GP over a dozen times and attend too many school meetings to even count to get a referral forward for my child and it took over two YEARS. Honestly you don't seem to have the first idea what you're talking about so I won't engage any longer. As others have said its poor form to derail threads like this.

Seconding everything about teeth. I used to work in that area so particularly sensitive to it!

It wasn't so much bad advice - just lack of advice in my case!

I posted on the breastfeeding threads looking for weaning advice as I have a musculoskeletal condition which meant I was only allowed by my consultant to bf for 2 months before going on treatment (which I had to go without during ttc and pregnancy). My boobs were agony so I posted asking if anyone had any advice on how to ease the pain. Every single poster told me to just keep going and the likelihood was I didn't need to stop because of the medication. I thanked them but explained that I did indeed need to stop and all the responses then were "oh well if you're not going to take our advice don't bother posting...".