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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what incorrect or useless advice gets repeatedly doled out here?

587 replies

ComposHatComesBack · 30/12/2015 06:40

Aside from the ubiquitous 'book a spa day and leave him to deal with the kids.' There are a few old chestnuts that get rolled out regularly despite them being useless or counterproductive.

Every time there's a thread on mislabeled goods, someone will come on to the thread, absolutely adamant that the shop have to sell at that mis-labelled price.

On debates about baby on board stickers, there will be people who will be adamant that they are recommended by or useful to the emergency services. As if a team of highly trained rescue team is going to think 'sod it, I can't see a garish daddy's little princess sticker, let's not bother checking in the back'.

Those are just mostly annoying, but I sometimes worry about poorly-informed blowhards merrily typing in bad advice without thinking of the consequences. The stock response to landlords dragging their feat over repairs: 'get a tradesperson in to do the work and then send the bill/get them to send the bill to the landlord'

  • Yeah because once you've explained that, no you don't actually own the house and you won't be actually paying them for the work or the materials, but instead will be forwarding the bill to a landlord who's shown no inclination to fix the problem so far, so in all likelihood they'll never see a penny, you'll have tradespeople fighting like rats in a sack to take on the job.

Even more daft and dangerous is the advice to 'withhold the rent and use the money to fix the problem' which puts some poor sod at risk of eviction.

And more than once, i've seen posters with mortgage arrears or negative equity being told to ' hand back the keys to the mortgage provider and walk away' as if thebank or building society are then going to think 'yeah fair dos' forget about the mortgage debt.'

I hope to God no one has taken this useless and at times dangerous advice at face value!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/12/2015 16:35

Speech delay
Difficulty engaging with peers
Swearing and making personal seemingly hurtful observations or comments.
Hitting out at class mates or teaching staff
Inability or unwillingness to join in play or games, sabotaging games.
Unwillingness to join in carpet time or lessons
Running away from lessons or activities.

If I read I post with two or more of these being reported, specially speech delay I would immediately think possible ASD or some other additional need. I've got two children with ASD, know many more and have studied it to degree level.

I'm no sure why you have to "bite" though, I am not trying to be provocative.

unlucky83 · 30/12/2015 16:42

Yeold about 6 yrs ago I posted on here whinging about my troubles with bedtimes and DDs. A poster asked me if DD1 had SN and said no -she's just difficult -always has been. Then I got told more or less I must be a shit parent then to have a DD that behaved that badly....
I actually felt offended that they thought DD had SN (and that I was so crap). I have never forgotten.
As DD didn't 'grow out' of certain traits I became more and more convinced that maybe she did have something. And as I looked into it more I realised she showed all the signs of ADHD but I thought a label was a bad thing. Then just over a year ago at nearly 14 she started struggling even more at school -I thought she was about to start refusing...I bit the bullet and took her to be assessed - yes she has got ADHD - and when I voiced my suspicions to one of her teachers she was shocked DD had been 'missed' for so long. Now a year later she is going from strength to strength at school.
I actually wish someone had been clearer and said that doesn't sound NT it sounds like a child with SN -rather than just ask....(and the diagnosis made me feel better about my parenting...she is more than just a bit of a handful!)

As aside I think I have it too - I have always understood DD1 as she is very similar to me - my mother thought I was hyperactive, I was a 'daydreamer' and I did become a school refuser and got in trouble etc ...a thread on here about being late was a real WOW moment for me -
other people don't lose track of time in quite the same way I can - they don't start brushing their teeth and find 10 mins have disappeared as their mind flits from one thing to another Grin

sugar21 · 30/12/2015 16:47

While I'm here please can I tell you all if you suspect meningitis PLEASE get to hospital right away. I wasted precious time consulting Dr fucking Google and going to the GP. The very high temperature lethergy dry nappy and floppiness are the signs. The rash comes later and wasn't visible on dd2.
She died within 24 hours of becoming ill.
This is not attention seeking, just stressing the urgency.
She was a little blonde hurricane who was never quiet. Had 2 speeds, asleep or full steam ahead. Although she was just 17 months she could babytalk a lot and dragged poor old beaten up teddy everywhere.
Sorry to go on, I'll go now as have to go to work.

cricketballs · 30/12/2015 16:49

the ones that get my goat are usually surrounding...

Secondary education - as other PP said upthread regarding the current RE thread - you can not drop a compulsory subject and just take up an option subject in the same timetable!

RG informed choices - only counts for A Level and they only recommend 2 out of 3 subjects; believe it or not Oxbridge does accept students who have a GCSE in Business, a BTEC qualification (even level 3!)

RG unis are not the only ones that are worthwhile to attend....

ASD manifests itself in many different ways; just because one child with ASD acts in one way doesn't mean its the same for another

and breathe!

maketheworldgoaway · 30/12/2015 16:52

PP on the first few pages mentioned 'go to A and E/GP or whatever and refuse to move until you're seen'.

I'm a HCP. I do my job properly so if you've been sent away without what you're demanding it's because I literally can't provide it or it's not clinically indicated.

Rocking up and thinking you can bully me into seeing you/giving you what you're demanding will result in security or the Police removing you from the premises.

(I'm talking about adults in non life-threatening situations btw. Not desperate parents of ill children)

bumbleymummy · 30/12/2015 16:59

Nicki, I could have ticked four of your boxes. DS doesn't have ASD, he was being bullied and couldn't cope with it. Hes much better now, although still suffers from anxiety at times.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/12/2015 16:59

sugar I'm so sorry! God only knows what you've been through!
I'm really so sorry Flowers

Gwenhwyfar · 30/12/2015 17:00

"The teenage "advice" that gets my goat is stop doing anything for them once they hit 13/14. Don't wash their clothes, take them anywhere, make their packed lunch, cook their dinner, be nice to them , nothing. "

I was in charge of my own washing and simple meals from about 11 so I don't see the problem with that. Had to be driven places because of where we lived.

cricketballs · 30/12/2015 17:03

Almost forgot about teen advice....from PP who don't have teens Hmm

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/12/2015 17:03

Nicki I have a boy with asd and yes I do agree with some of them especially the second from top and bottom... Speech delay is a funny one as he did have severe speech delay but suddenly he caught up ! But generally I agree with you, I do recognise a child with asd straight away mostly from my experience

NickiFury · 30/12/2015 17:05

I haven't said anywhere that it would definitely be ASD, I don't think, but it's something that should be considered and I am responding to those that are angered by it. Far better to suggest it and give some food for that rather than allow a child to be labelled difficult or ostracised as happens FAR to often.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/12/2015 17:06

Almost forgot about teen advice....from PP who don't have teens
Yes and about sexual abuse within the family advice .... From PPs who never got abused!!

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 17:06

Nicki is right, there are certain traits which are strongly suggestive of ASD. I would add sensory problems, difficulty in dealing with change and transitions, literal language, meltdowns on coming home from school, and occasionally repetitive behaviour like lining toys up. Of course people should never rely on diagnoses made over the internet, but when you've got a group of traits like that it does at least point to getting things investigated and not just assuming the child in question is badly behaved.

NickiFury · 30/12/2015 17:07

Sorry that was to bumbley.

Agree that it's easy to recognise an ASD child once you have that experience.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 30/12/2015 17:08

From Chat just now: Oh, you want to get your ears / nose / belly pierced? Go to Claire's Accessories.

Hmm
Mrsmorton · 30/12/2015 17:12

maketheworldgoaway that's what we were saying... You can't demand anything anywhere!

bumbleymummy · 30/12/2015 17:16

Nicki, I guess it could have given us food for thought but if we were thinking along those lines and trying to get a diagnosis we could have missed the actual root of the problem - the bullying. I, personally, am wary of thinking that certain traits point to ASD without knowing the child or the full story.

NickiFury · 30/12/2015 17:21

You're one family bumbley and that is not meant to discount your experience but I personally know at least thirty families where their child's issues were not discovered until years along the line when those children had suffer endedless terrible experiences at school and elsewhere in the name of "disciplining a naughty child". Many of those children now refuse school and who knows what damage has been done or what they could have achieved with early diagnosis and intervention. Far better to suggest it and be wrong than be worried about offending or annoying.

DilysPrice · 30/12/2015 17:22

I agree that most parents of children with ASD on here probably spend a fair amount of time biting their tongue and perhaps very gently suggesting possible investigations when actually big ASD flags are waving over the thread.

maketheworldgoaway · 30/12/2015 17:24

MrsMorton - I know! Yet people give that advice all the time as if being a demanding bully will get what you want.

I've even seen someone say on here 'refuse to leave, those that make the most fuss get what they want'. NO they don't, they might end up being discharged completely from a GP/clinic for unacceptable behaviour.

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 30/12/2015 17:36

Apart from the specialist areas I think most adviceHmm on here is doled out from those who have never experienced the situation
IMO it is those posters who think you cannot get a decent handbag for less than £200 who state you can easily feed a family for £20 a week/increase hours/retrain/move/earn more money
They don't have a fucking clue
Pop down the pound shop is wheeled our in a regular basis. I am 30 miles from a £ shop. We don't all live on cities or even near one

AmIthatautumnal · 30/12/2015 17:38

Or how about, to those who can't find a partner - just do online dating.

As if that is the answer.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 30/12/2015 17:41

I'd agree with Nick.

Your list covers pretty much every child I've known with ASD, including DS, with ++ anxiety thrown in now due to hormones and teenage stuff on top. And, joy of joys, he was bullied on top of it all.

Just because one child who displayed some of those signals wasn't ASD doesn't make the list invalid.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 30/12/2015 17:44

There is often very incorrect advice in relation to private rented housing.

maketheworldgoaway · 30/12/2015 17:46

'Call women's aid'. For someone needing to exit an abusive relationship; yep that's what they're for. They're a charity and might not be able to help everyone but you're calling the right people.

But I've seen it suggested on here for someone wanting a divorce and worrying about finances or access arrangements.

It's not some kind of helpline just for women!.

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