AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

I've got used to it now. Dd is a teenager and doesn't really want to come in holiday with me anymore. Me and the dog go off in the caravan a few times a year on our own and go walking. Love it.

Dh is funny, at times he can be awfully tight but at other times he can be really generous. He gave me 5k for a car once when I was a skint student and my car died. No questions, no grumbling. Just wrote the check out.

I nearly divorced him though when he refused to pay for dds share of the Egypt holiday.

He may have ' worked hard' on his business but who's been providing the childcare for all these evenings and weekends?

Would he be as successful if he'd been paying an out of hours nanny £15ph?

Don't underestimate you worth op.

WhoThe, that sounds awful. He thinks his money is all his except for a small amount a month? Marriage is more than a grudging stipend to pay the bare minimum. And he vacations with his friends instead of his family? Because vacation with you and dd is boring? Oh really? I doubt that. He has his priorities completely turned round.

I think it would do him good to deposit all his money into your joint account which would allow you to execute the finances without his miserliness. Marriage is about trust and faithful commitment. I would insist he do it, if he still won't, I would begin thinking about other steps to resolve this. He is essentially using his 50,000 to hold over your head, knowing you would struggle on your own with dd, yet withholding all but the bare minimum and causing unnecessary strife in your marriage to say nothing of the blatant disrespect he is showing you and dd. By the way, you don't have to defend making just 17,000. You are doing all the caring for your dd, timewise and money wise, and working too? Your husband is making your feel defensive on purpose so he can control the relationship. I know you didn't ask for advice, so I apologize is I've offended you, but really, what your husband is doing is not right!

I have no problems whatsoever with DH having more disposable income than I do - NONE whatsoever

Why? MY DP has also built up a business from scratch and works nights and weekends. Not only could he not have done that without me to look after our dcs while he is out but how utterly weird must you have to be to have such a discrepancy in income that you can buy a camper van but your wife, the person who you love more than anyone alive, is scripting around for money for a jumper. I can't imagine getting any pleasure from having more disposable income than DP.

I just read your last comment, WhoThe. It sounds like he does love you and he's set in his ways that were probably ingrained before you two even got together.

The huffing and puffing is in the current situation and understandable. With finances split as the currently are, family meals strangely not considered family expenses paid for out of the joint account, its not unreasonable for him to expect her to pay sometimes. Like 1 in 3.

Thanks Belle. I'm not offended. But I really can't be arsed to be honest. I inherited money a while ago and still have a significant amount left......I think I'm happier keeping my finances separate now!

well after you have a joint account that means you also have a card for this account. Instead of him doing the effort to take it out of his wallet, you can do it as well.

But how come you don't have enough money to buy decent clothes, and he can afford a camper van??

That's completely unfair. You have much bigger problems than who pays for meals out...

NewLife4Me, yes! Exactly what you said.

OP, instead of being defensive why don't you just think about what people have said? Everyone's pretty much singing the same song, but you ain't listening.

Focus on getting him to accept responsibility for all meals out, given the amount of cooking you are apparently determined to do. He'll do that right?

And then get him to jusitfy the camper van vs your 3 pairs of jeans and 3 jumpers.

You have much bigger problems than who pays for meals out...

Snap.

WhoThe, haha! Good for you! Glad you've got your own money now. Very wise!

But OP, you are not happy with the situation or you would not have come on here to whinge. And you are whingeing - you've just admitted your dh does pull his weight, so why the hell should he pay the full cost of a family meal out? It's more your treat than his as it gets you out of the cooking, which is your responsibility - a responsibility you claim to be happy with... You can't have it all ways.

And why all the whining about the camper van? It's his money and you are happy with that, you said so.

Also amused that I, apparently, do 'most' of the household chores, based upon me saying that I do the cooking and he does the washing up.

I think it was more based on you saying that what he did was 'not nearly so time consuming' after saying that you had to take annual leave to keep up with your share of the chores tbf.

I've always told my dds never to get involved with a mean man.

How can anyone share their lives with someone who argues and sulks over spending money on their own wife and children?

Yuk!

It seems he's sulking because he doesn't think she is spending enough money on her husband and family...

And why all the whining about the camper van?

I mentioned it once to illustrate that he has more than enough money to spend on a couple of meals out each week. It's other posters that have mentioned it repeatedly, not me.

And that you have offered to cook something special if he looks after the kids, but he doesn't want to do that.

What has him having more than enough money got to do with who pays for a family meal? It seems to me your financial arrangements just result in everyone having less fun, because of this obsession with who can afford what, rather than thinking about what the family can afford and what everyone would enjoy.

I find separate finances confusing when a couple are married.

If you split up then all your assets will be seen as joint. Even those earnt long before the marriage and those inherited.

So you will have to share then - when you (presumably) hate each other. So why not share now when you (presumably) like each other?

Good point Mumof

Finances:

Never, not ever will I ever pool finances as many on here do and have suggested. I appreciate that there are SAHMs on here who are entirely dependant on their partners' incomes. I could not do that, not in a pink fit. That's just how it is. I'm very pleased that works for you. I was raised by a single mother who told me I must never be financially dependant upon another person in any way. Rightly or wrongly, I'm hard-wired to keep my finances as separate as possible from DH, except for shared expenses like childcare, bills etc. and take no money that is not mine. He always wanted us to have a pooled joint account - I refused for the above reasons. I genuinely don't mind him having more disposable income and I honestly think we've had FAR fewer arguments as a result of our arrangement. He gets expensive fixations every now and again - a premium gym membership he never used, a ridiculously expensive bike which has been acquiring cobwebs in the shed for two years, the campervan - which I've gently tried to talk him out of but which we've never fallen out over because, well, his money, his folly. If he was taking the money for those things out of a joint pot I would be Pissed. Off. But he's not. It's his to do with as he wishes, not mine to dictate his spending to him.

Whoever said earlier that with our current arrangement, he is reasonable to expect that I pay for one in three meals out - that's exactly what he thinks. I wish I could - I used to be able to pre-DS2, but my portion of two lots of full-time nursery fees have taken a large chunk out of the extra I used to have to do this. So I offer to cook instead, but he still wants to go out then gets arsey if I don't pay sometimes.

I don't understand why you don't just have one shared account with both salaries going into it.

The financial balance in your marriage seems very skewered (IMO)