AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

Cfssucks what you do is very similar to our set up except I am SAHM due to ill health last year. All income is DHs and goes into our joint, then we take an equal share at the end of each month for our sole use. My account is my business. Sometimes I might use mine to treat us to a meal out over the one we budget for each month, or sometimes he might.

Although I am not earning I have full access and tbh full control of the finances. I run the household, I have spreadsheets for everything and I have shown DH but he lets me get on with it.

He doesn't see himself supporting a wife who doesn't work, more that I am working equally hard (if not harder than when I did work) bringing up our children, including my stepson when he is here and also hopefully our 4th addition to the family.

He can cook btw, even SAHM are entitled to be let out the kitchen once in a while. If batch cooking he is roped in to, he hates it but I hate cleaning the bathroom but I don't pretend I have no confidence with the toilet duck and leave it to DH. Tempting though it is. Ignorance is no excuse, a grown man needs to know how to care for his children properly.

I think the OP is naive to think that both she and her DH may not encounter a period of ill health or redundancy. If you have no joint finances or plans in place and can just blow 30k without discussion with your spouse then it's going to make a difficult time even harder.

Btw before I got sick I out earned my DH and I never saw my situation coming.

You are either a team or not. God knows what op's kids will grow up to think of their father.

You are either a team or not.

I posted upthread but this is the crux of it for me. If you are not a team, then what are you?

My dh cant/won't cook but he does all the washing hoovering dusting.

Op's dh not cooking is the least of her issues.

Op get a grip, be an adult in a marriage with a family. Have equal spending money. That has nothing to do with being financially independent. You have the ability to earn your own money. That is having financial independence. A divorce would ensure you had equal rights to the home etc. But then again, if it's him that's earning the money to pay off the mortgage then you being the martyr that you are wouldnt accept it...... you could always live in the camper van

Right. I've had a good talk with DH, and he's acknowledged that he has been a completely irrational arse and has apologised for being so, especially the fiasco with expecting me to use the last of my money for food.

We acknowledged that my obsession with separate finances is also irrational, but agreed that we would enter a new world of verge-of-divorce arguments if we did pool finances and we had to discuss his occasional crazy, campervan-stylie spends.

We're going to re-calculate the proportion we pay into the joint account based on our monthly take-home pay, rather than our annual pre-tax gross pay, which is how we've been doing it. DH didn't realise what a huge chunk is taken out of my pay for non-discretionary NHS pension before it hits my account. That will probably change our payments considerably and hopefully release more disposable income for me.

Thanks all. I'm happy with this outcome which I wouldn't have found the wherewithal to address without input on here (even if many of you still probably think I'm an emotionally/financially abused slave/martyr with major control issues. But hey...that's AIBU! )

That does sound like a more sensible approach OP. I would at the same time look at what costs you are putting into the joint bucket and make sure that all the non negotiable things are in there, like your travel costs, professional fees, insurance, nursery fees, food etc etc.

Personally I'd also talk about how you manage your savings too, to me it's fasir enough for either partner to save up and buy frivolous things, but not right that that should come from money earmarked for a joint benefit like paying off your mortgage.

I think Op's DH is getting too much flack over not cooking. I do a family roast dinner most weekends for 6 adults and a toddler. It involves 10 minutes in the kitchen to bung the meat in and prep the veg and perhaps another 10 minutes keeping an eye on boiling pots and dishing up. (Sunday and Monday meals are usually based around leftover roast) My DBro is in charge of washing up with the DC and that usually takes at least 20 minutes, even with a dishwasher.

Op's DH does washing up and I assume leaves the kitchen all clean and I think that is harder work than cooking.

Sounds like progress. I think it is important to be open about finances and your new calculation sounds like a better approach. Keep the dialogue going and buy your DH this
www.amazon.co.uk/Cookbook-Usborne-Cookbooks-Abigail-Wheatley/dp/1409532291

My 12 DS uses it successfully!
(we made the lamb curry using quorn pieces instead and it was really good)

So all you've actually changed is to calculate your contribution on take-home rather than pre-tax pay.

You still don't seem to have tackled the fact that as the higher earner DH should be contributing proportionately more so that you have more personal disposable income.

Nor have you addressed the camper van sized elephant in the room.

Why would pooling resources or discussing these issues lead to divorce?

You don't come across as independent single mother but woman so afraid of divorce she won't rock the boat.

Have you at least agreed that he will pay for meals out and learn to cook?

it sounds like progress - as long as he doesn't start expecting you to pay for meals as a result! Overall though, I still don't think it's a fair settlement but at least you've resolved the issue concerning you.

Twinklestein Hard as it is for you to believe, you're creating massive issues out of things that are non-issues for us. But thanks for your input.

And he does put proportionally more into the joint account - always has done as he's always earned more. With our recalculations, he'll be putting more in again.

12 year old DS I don't have 12 sons...

I'm glad you've talked.

With your new calculations - how much money will he have to do as he pleases with, and how much will you have to do as you please with?

Will it still be 2X or more? Or more like the same amount?

I can see you've decided to make them non-issues and that's up to you. I'm just wondering what you're so afraid of...

Are meals out now going to be paid from the joint account? Or has DH agreed to pay for them as you do all the cooking?

Good luck op, I think you accept you have control and money issues !

As your children get older and more expensive and require more time after school with homework and such I think you will possibly need to look again at your situation. You will get more and more pressure on you to make up the difference.

There is more than a small of element of martyr about you which is frustrating , you complain at the beginning about the inequality but then later reveal your dh has offers you more money for clothes etc...

That would seriously be annoying to live with and possibly why he goes off and makes ridiculous purchases

OP we have a monthly budget out of our joint account before we each take our share it covers things like meals out and family trips. Something to consider when working out how much each of you contribute/keep?

When you recalculate, please also take into account the costs of travel to work and the professional fees etc that you have to pay.

The camper van doesn't have to be a ridiculous purchase. Not if everyone gets to enjoy it. It sounds like the real problem with it is Elphaba thinks it was bought when the children were too young to appreciate it and it was all done without discussion, not that it is something they can never use as a family. Obviously, if you have an arrangement where one member of the family has control over most of the money, these things will happen - he gets to decide what he thinks is best for the family, or himself, and when to do what, and no-one else has a right to object, even if these means the mortgage doesn't get paid off. I think the weird arrangement only works because he's basically a reasonable guy who most of the time doesn't waste his money, so is, barring bad luck, capable of buying camper vans his family don't appreciate even though they could be fun, and paying off the mortgage.

I think there is progress in switching to take home rather than gross pay for your calculations. I would add that it's worth being prepared to
a) continue to evaluate your money arrangements and how they work, maybe by sitting down and taking a good look at it all every 2-3 months and being prepared to make changes
b) also be prepared to really examine your own feelings and choices and ask yourself 'Why am I really doing X? Is it the best option, the only option, or is there something else at play?' You have started to do that a bit here. It would help IMO to keep it going.

'With our recalculations, he'll be putting more in again.'

Of course he will because he earns more. Duh. And a decent person will be more than happy to do that to support his/her family.

My commuting costs are much higher than his (two hours of driving a day for me, versus about half an hour for him so my petrol costs are way higher), I have professional memberships and registrations that he doesn't...maybe talk with him about putting those in the joint pot.

I think the most logical way to handle work-related expenses is to treat them as a deduction from salary. So if you contribute in proportion to salary, it's salary net of unavoidable expenses like income tax and transport.

Wait a moment....

We're going to re-calculate the proportion we pay into the joint account based on our monthly take-home pay, rather than our annual pre-tax gross pay, which is how we've been doing it. DH didn't realise what a huge chunk is taken out of my pay for non-discretionary NHS pension before it hits my account. That will probably change our payments considerably and hopefully release more disposable income for me.

I see you've sort of caught up with me in thinking it's net pay that matters. It's really a huge mistake that your pension contributions were ever counted as current income. As you'll probably have statements quantifying them, I think you should negotiate a refund* on the basis that you've overpaid in the past. When you take money out of your pension it will be counted again, for the purposes of your arrangement, it's wrong for it to be counted twice. I suspect you are currently thousands of pounds in credit with regard to joint spending, possibly tens of thousands.

• by refund I mean a break from making your share of contributions until the credit is used up. Simply add up the total amount of pension contributions you have made, and ask for your future income to be exempted from the contribution calculation until the total amount exempted matches the total of pension contributions that were counted.

Just want to reassure you op that we have taken both our ds camping in our camper van from younger ages than yours and had tremendous fun. Hop over to the camping board for inspiration.

I would still recommend constituency funds for on going costs keeping it on the road and the unforeseen expenses as well as breakdown cover with a flatloader home (voice if experience!)

I think pp have covered any other issues in your op better than I can.

TBF, my DH is not much of a cook (except when he wants to be) and has tried the 'pathetic man' thing with me...

Year 1 of relationship -
DH: How do you cook pasta?
Me: Get the big silver pan, fill it about 2/3 with water.... etc

Years 2-5 of relationship -
DH: How do you cook pasta?
Me: Read the label on the packet.

Years 6-10 of relationship -
DH: How do you cook pasta?
Me: Read the fucking label! FFS, how many times?!

Years 11 onward -
DH: How do you cook pasta?
Me:
DH: Oh yeah... I'll just see what it says on the label.

Good news, OP! If you start now, in a mere decade you too could have a husband this capable!

Well done, I was sure a little chat would sort it. Hope you have a great New Year.

Wow, interesting thread.

OP asks for specific advice about spending and her relationship is dissected.

I have to agree with the bulk of the posters that the husband sounds like a gigantic twat and the OP sounds terribly afraid of rocking the boat.

That they are both happy with this arrangement for now is great for them. Can't see it lasting though!