AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

This is one of those annoying threads where OP clearly states there is no joint account but people keep,telling her to pay out of it.

YANBU op.

I find the finances split pretty odd. If you are going to have a joint account for joint family expenses then things like meals and days out should come out of that, as these are obviously a joint family expense. Unless you want to regard it as an individual expense and pay for each person's meal separately, but that would be a pain to calculate.

DH and I regard all finances as joint even though we have separate bank accounts. He pays for all meals out but I pay for other things, and we just see it as coming from our family expenses. So it wouldn't make sense for him to ask me to pay for any meals out, it's all part of the same pot as far as we're concerned. But meals out for us aren't just a thing to avoid cooking, it's more of a social event, a time when we can all relax together without anyone worrying about preparing food or clearing up.

And even if they did have family money why should the families expenses increase because one member elects to defer responsibility for a chore to a professional.
Nobody is sick nobody is unable to deal with it due to time its a preference that is not shared.

Should be from personal spends

We are then left with our own money in our own account

But he has a lot more money than you in his own account, while you do more of the shitwork, and he begrudges taking you out for dinner even though he refuses to cook?
Don't you think you have bigger problems to deal with than who pays?

I'd never be comfortable with one joint account with all of our money going in. I'd feel too guilty to buy anything for myself as I could never be sure when I was encroaching onto 'his' money. DH's father has always earned way more than his mother and she's a complete shop-a-holic. That does not sit well with me at all. I was raised by a single mother from a disastrous break-up so always had the importance of separate, independent finances drummed into me.

We've been married for over ten years now with this arrangement, so it works for us. I will talk to him about factoring meals out into the joint account, though. Good idea.

Have you considered all earnings going into the joint account and then equal payments going from there into individual accounts for personal, discretionary spending? This is what my husband and I arranged some years ago. If the joint account can stand it - whether that's for a pizza or a campervan - and both parties agree, then it happens. It's a simple solution, avoiding the need to make contributions proportionate to income and works well for us. The division of domestic work is a separate issue ... and more difficult to solve!

There is a joint ac!

Enough money to cover family expenses should go in the joint ac and if you really don't want all money to be joint then any remainder gets split equally regardless of who earns what. Really can't see a relationship working long term any other way. How can he continue buying fancy cars while you can't buy clothes?

Oh my god. I can't believe what I am reading. You have children together. You are married. You take annual leave to cook meals for your husband and children. You don't have joint finances. He earns double your income and keeps most of it. He uses HIS money to buy a FUCKING CAMPER VAN, but gets in a huff for paying for meals out for or his wife and children!!!!!! Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Definitely time for a household finance rethink!!! He sounds like an arse.

my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan

You even sound almost apologetic for buying yourself these! My DH would never let me feel like this whilst he spoiled himself with new purchases. How is your relationship generally?

What gbean said.

If the family set up makes it impossible for both partners to have equal earning power, then they definitely should have equal spending power.

A fucking campervan? He's taking you for a ride I'm afraid op!

What do you batch cook? Something like bolognese would start him off. If that's in the freezer he can do the pasta, garlic bread etc and set the table. After a few different meals he can learn to cook the actual main part of the dinner. Since he's moaning it's a good time to start. I'm assuming he's an intelligent man and can follow a recipe.

OP this is ridiculous.

You need to take turns to cook. If he doesn't want to cook on his days, then he pays for whatever alternative arrangement he comes up with.

I find it shocking that you are doing literally everything with meal planning, shopping and all the cooking, and even taking annual leave to make sure there is always food available.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Please tell me that at LEAST he contributes proportionally more to the shared account? If not, why - exactly - are you subsidising him???

Does he do ANY work in the house at all, or is that left to you as well?

I'd feel too guilty to buy anything for myself as I could never be sure when I was encroaching onto 'his' money

Thats quite an alarming statement in my opinion.

Laguna That's my own position entirely - none of that whatsoever is DH's opinion.

Yes, to whoever asked, DH does contribute more than I do to the joint account.

blueriverlavenderfield
Don't you think you should be sure of your facts before you describe your fellow posters as annoying?

This is the 2nd sentence of the op's third paragraph: "We have a joint account ..."

There is so much wrong here I don't know where to start - yes I do - the cooking. You both work full time so the cooking is shared. Sit down, menu plan for the week, share the days out and put a name against each meal. Write shopping list, each takes it in turn to do the weekly shop. Improve your repertoire of meals- there are dozens of meals we prepare from scratch that are on the table in less than 45 mins. Given the age of the children, why not eat out just once at the weekend and have a family meal at home the other day? If he refuses to cooperate, take unilateral action - plan it all regardless. The day its his turn, do nothing. If he refuses to cook, put your coat on and go out for a nice peaceful meal on your own.

As for your financial arrangements - well really. Unless one of a couple is completely irresponsible with money, of course it should all be joint. Why not? But why on earth have you allowed this situation to develop?

Elphaba, I'm afraid it's your hang-ups which are the problem here. If he is your husband, none of it is "his" money, it's yours and his equally. Both are equal partners in a marriage and should have equal access to what they need from the joint income. It's called marriage.

My wife earns a lot more than me and it works for us. I absolutely swear though that my view would be entirely the same if that was reversed.

From what you've said here it's your hang ups about money which are the problem, unless of course he gives you cause to have these hang ups.

This is one of those annoying threads where OP clearly states there is no joint account but people keep,telling her to pay out of it

I guess you missed the OP stating they did have a joint account then!

Sorry, OP. I am sat here, not having earned a penny since April, still using credit cards and buying whatever is needed/wanted.

DH has had a few years when he has been redundant or post op, so he too has had time when every penny he spent was earned by me.

And it doesn't matter. Because every penny that comes into the relationship is truly 'ours'.

I am not saying you need to adopt our financial arrangement, but you do need to sit down and discuss the situation. Both you and your DH have a slightly skewed idea of family finances and you both need to recognise it and work out what suits you and your circumstances best.

Good luck.

From what you've said here it's your hang ups about money which are the problem, unless of course he gives you cause to have these hang ups.
You must have missed the part where the OP said her 'd'h huffs and puffs when getting his card out to pay for meals from HIS money and said he thinks the OP should pay for some meals out.

For a start, stop taking annual leave to batch cook. You shouldn't need too, just plan easy meals on the nights you work.

In our house one cooks and one washes and cleans up after so very similar to your set up.

If all food is currently purchased jointly and he contributes more then I can see why he feels he shouldn't pay for every meal out. Just stopping eating out and let him fend for himself. Eating out every weekend for a few meals can't be healthy anyway.

A man who bought himself a fucking VW campervan whilst you cannot afford to buy clothes for yourself thinks you're tight?

'but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. '

And he has turned this down? Let me guess, you do all the childcare whilst not at work full time.

'We've been married for over ten years now with this arrangement, so it works for us. I will talk to him about factoring meals out into the joint account, though. Good idea. smile'

No, it works for him. He has large amounts of spending money whilst you have next to none.

And you think the solution is for you to pay even more of your earnings into the joint account to pay for his share of the work that he would rather pay someone else to do than do it himself?

Get a grip, woman!

He cooks the meals or he pays for the going out.

And sit down and have a long think about finances, because you are getting screwed.

The meals should be a fairly moot point. It is not fair, however, that he seems to have significantly more spending money for himself than you do.

He may put more into the joint account than you, but surely if he respects/loves you and it is an equal relationship, it should be worked that you are left with the same personal 'fun' money as he is.

And sit down and have a long think about finances, because you are getting screwed.

This time a million

*times