AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

When you say you contribute proportionally to your income, do you mean that you both put, say, 60% of your take-home pay into the joint account?

So if he earns twice as much as you do, does that mean that he has twice as much "spending money" as you do?

That doesn't sound fair to me at all.

Why not contribute to the joint account so that you both have the same amount of spending money?

Then you could happily take turns on meals out, and you'd be able to buy new jeans, and if he wants to spend his spending money on a campervan then he can do that without you feeling resentful.

I just don't understand some women see themselves as slaves.

Why on earth are you doing all the cooking?

You say it works for you but it doesn't does it? It works for him at your expense. You just don't have thr confidence to believe that you're not here to be a drudge.

So from now on, as others have suggested, you divide the cooking equally and if he'd rather pay other people than pull his finger out that's up to him.

"I'd never be comfortable with one joint account with all of our money going in. I'd feel too guilty to buy anything for myself as I could never be sure when I was encroaching onto 'his' money."

You may not contribute equally financially to the partnership, but you are contributing far more in other ways. So you need to rid yourself of this ridiculous idea at once.

OH has always earned far more than me, but we have a joint account. What's his is mine and what's mine is his. We contribute equally to our partnership in many different ways.

Op I feel your pain

Can you put money each into a kitty each month for "food" and other expense such as eating out, hair cuts etc?

This is what we do and split the bills

So we each get cash out put into a kitty and that then means when we eat out the kitty money pays for the meal. We usually get to the end of the month but this month hadvto top up the kitty money.

we are similar and dh pays for meals out at weekends. He has two choices he pays for meal/takeaway or he makes something. We don't have any joint accounts and married for years.

YANBU

I have been unemployed for three years, I would starve it DH had not paid for anything. He earns 5 times my hourly salary, he gives us every penny he earns.

Is the spending on stuff for you because you have not been able to afford to spend more on yourself this year?

Sorry if I missed that somewhere but don't think you actually said this was the case?

We work as a partnership. We don't have demarkations about money.
We both put in an equal effort, and equal reward.
When I was a SAHM I earned nothing, but OH was happy that I was caring for his children at home.

I would hate having to share out cash and pay equal ways.

My OH earns twice what I do, but he also works much longer hours, so I do the bulk of the cooking, housework and looking after the kids.
All our money goes into one pot. It is all family money.

YANBU in your terms although I agree with others that mine and yours doesn't really work within a marriage.

BUT

I would find eating out once a day with 2 toddlers every weekend very wearing (more so if I still worked FT). We have a takeaway night and a freezer dinner night most weeks as do most families I know.

Ok so I see why you would want some of your own "independent" finances, kind of .

I do not get how he gets to buy himself a camper van but you have to take annual leave to cook for the family and get needled about who pays for family meals out. He's got all the money and all the time. He might not be a total selfish arse, but on the basis of the evidence here it's looking quite like it.

A solution to your joint account qualms. You both have the same, equal amount of "your own money" regardless of what you earn. ALL the rest goes into the joint account. This joint account then pays for suppers and lunches out.

Alternatively tell him you will start paying for dinners out when he starts paying you for your time spent in the kitchen.

IMO it should come from a joint ac just like the food shopping.

I don't understand this thread surely its both of your money or else why are you married.
It's the same pot so your paying even if you ask for it to come out of his account.

My DH earns much more than me. I work part time and term time which is what we agreed to do when we had children and they started school. All of our money goes into a joint account. We then pay ourselves exactly the same amount as each other each month to to what we like with. He doesn't get more as I do all the housework and 99% of cooking etc and childcare as i'm around more. If we eat out, mostly it's on the joint ac but if it's a birthday or similar we will treat each other.

I think you're right, OP. Something not quite right about his reluctance to pay for meals out at the weekend when you cook all week.

The above suggestion to pay for meals out with joint account sounds very fair and will solve the dilemma. Groceries are paid from joint account, right? So the meals out should too.

Personally I agree with some of the posters above who put all money into joint account, no his or hers, it's all ours, we've done that all our marriage and never had a problem, no need to figure out who pays what or what proportion or anything like that. No matter what the situation is, whether he makes more, or if one is not working but taking care of the children, all money is considered "ours." I think that is one of the characteristics that makes marriage unique. The sense of unfairness is sometimes due to something else in the relationship which then makes itself known in the money realm i.e. spouse is doing this or that or not doing, so why isn't he/she not contributing more to the bills, it's not fair, etc.

But I can see why people would like separate accounts too, it's whatever works best for each couple. But yes, he should not be grumbling about paying for meals out, or pay for them from joint account. YANBU.

The current deal certainly doesn't indicate that the OP's dh views her as an equal - clearly he expects her to do all the cooking to make up for her inadequacy in the financial earnings department... I would not tolerate that sort of set up, although it seems the OP inflicted it on herself and more or less agrees with that analysis of her general worth in life.

I have a very similar set up with Dh.

He earns nearly 50k a year compared to me earning about 17k a year.....because I work part time due to dd!!!

He refuses to have a joint account and keeps all his money. Our outgoings for bills inc mortgage aren't much, about £800 a month and he pays all this and moans about it.

He won't go on holiday with me and dd as he says it's boring. He goes away, abroad with his mates twice a year. I take dd camping though thanks to being left some money ive bought a caravan. I saved up once and took her abroad, asked him to contribute to her ticket and he refused.....said it was my choice to take her away.

I buy the food in this house and all of dds clothes, shoes, pocket money, presents. Which to be honest some months I don't think is far off the £800 a month he puts in to the house. Yet he moans about how it's his house, and he pays the mortgage, etc. I put 30k deposit down in this house same as he did. Infact I put 37k and he put 30k....

On the rare occasion we have a meal out he normally pays but has been known to grumble. He won't put anything towards house stuff, so new carpets, new oven, etc is mainly down to me. He bought a mattress once.

It does piss me off but he won't change. He won't see that there's anything wrong with it and makes me feel like a gold digger if I try and bring it up.

whothefuck.

I hope in some way it works for you. I guess at least you know there is a roof over your head

who why do you stay with this jerk?

Stop the cooked from scratch family meals every single night. Yes, on the whole have them, but if it's OK for the kids to have F and B/chips at the weekend then once/twice a week at home should be fine and DH can do that night if he is home from work when they eat. This taking time off on annual leave to cook family meals is more concerning than the who pays scenario. Or, pay someone else to help with the cooking, there may well be a small home run business who will do family sized portions of wholesome cooking that you can freeze. Back to who pays, if it is a joint choice to dine out, then you pay jointly.

Having a quiet chuckle that the very brief overview of our finances presented here is indicative of my 'self worth', low confidence and did someone above say financial abuse?

Also amused that I, apparently, do 'most' of the household chores, based upon me saying that I do the cooking and he does the washing up. We do split the household chores as evenly as possible, honest. Just not the cooking because he's crap at it and would only feed us ready meals if I left half of it to him.

I have no problems whatsoever with DH having more disposable income than I do - NONE whatsoever. He's built up his own business from scratch, worked evenings and weekends (which I never have to do) and has enough stashed away to probably get our mortgage paid off before we're 40. I have major issues with him being fully aware of how much more disposable income he has, yet treating ME like I'm tight when I can't pay for the odd meal out, when I'm the principle food provider during the week. That's the beginning and the end of it.

I'll be back again in a bit. Just cooking

I dont think it is unreasonable for one person to do all the cooking if things are evenly balanced in other ways (for example, he sorts out all the car maintenance, or does all the household cleaning). Some people are just better at, and prefer, doing certain things. However, his attitude sounds bizarre. he isn't treating you to a meal out - you are going out as a family, together. It's a joint expense. Fwiw I do all the cooking because I like it and can only stand so much student pasta but my husband would not in a million years behave like this about buying family meals out. Or about anything else tbh. It sounds as if he doesn't really see you as a family :(

I have no problems whatsoever with DH having more disposable income than I do - NONE whatsoever.

You should have.

^^And whothefuck's 'D'H wins bar-steward of the year. That I would NOT put up with.

I am also concerned at taking annual leave to cook!
Have you considered a slow cooker? Bung it on in the morning, come back to something stew-like in the evening.

I could never be with somebody who kept money for himself and I'm a sahm earning nothing.
I have the tc and cb and all his money goes into a joint account or his own account that I can access whenever I want to.
What's his is mine and anything else just wouldn't be acceptable to me or more importantly, him.
No way would he keep FAMILY money to buy himself a camper van.
Why do people put up with such inequality in a marriage?