AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

[Rivercam]

Dh may earn more, but you do more work in the marriage. Ie. Paid ft work, plus household cooking ( and cleaning, looking after dcs etc?), so you shouldn't feel guilty at spending money on yourself.

I agre with the others that you need a financial discussion.

We have a joint accountbwhichnall money goes into. We don't have a 'his' or 'her' pot.

[HamaTime]

You need a reorganisation of finances if you are feeling guilty for buying jumpers and can't afford a meal out and he is buying a camper van. We do what a pp poster does and pool money and skim off equal amounts as personal spends. Totally joint money wouldn't work for us as one of us is sensible and one of us spends £5 on coffee and a bun without even thinking about it. Totally separate money wouldn't work for us either as our incomes are very different.

I think it's fair enough for one person to do all the cooking if that works for you but it sounds like it isn't. Cooking isn't really something you can just opt out off if you have children to feed so I'd be inclined to tell him to start pulling his weight and not be such a dick about it. What if he just didn't do laundry or washing up or putting petrol in the car?

I also think if you are taking annual leave to cook for a family of 4 you may be, excuse the pun, making a bit of a meal of it. Lots of pasta dishes take less than 20 min, an omelette and a bag of salad or eggs, chips and beans or udon noodles and veg are all perfectly good meals that your dh could manage if he could be arsed

I agree that you putting more of your money into a joint account so he doesn't have to cook is a shit solution

[DickDewy]

This all sounds hideous to me. You're a married couple, squabbling about who pays for what?

He needs to stop being such a tight arse. This arrangement suits only him, he sounds like a mean fucker.

[Cheby]

How is your DH comfortable with him having a much greater disposable income than you?
I earn more than twice what my DH earns. We get paid into our own accounts, the transfer everything bar an equal monthly amount of spending money into a joint account. Any left gets saved. If one of us has a big personal expense then we budget together how to pay for it.

I could not in all good conscience allow myself to have more disposable income than DH. How could you live in the same house like that?

[chillycurtains]

YANBU but you have more problems than this going on. He is treating you like unpaid help during the week. If you didn't both work ft it would be different but you do. I would sit down and discuss the whole situation - time, money, housework split, the payment of meals and both your attitudes. That's not a criticism but you sound like you need to get it all sorted.

[ohtheholidays]

So you both work full time and you do nearly everything at home on your own and he earns more than you and can afford to treat himself but you can't?

Of course YANBU but your bloody husband is,of course he should pay for the meals out and he should help out more and he should be making sure that you have a decent amount to spend on yourself each year OP,the way your living and your relationship all sound very unfair towards you.It sounds like everything is tipped in your husbands favour.

[mintoil]

This is quite shocking to me. You really think it is OK that he can buy a campervan whilst you can barely afford clothes, and he huffs and puffs when he has to get his card out to pay for a family meal?

He sounds like a real prince! It sounds like you have been manipulated into accepting this shit by tales of the shopaholic mother. I wonder what her side of the story would be by the way?

The way most people in your position deal with finances is that they agree an amount they are happy with for them to have for personal expenses each month (the same amount) and everything else goes into a joint account. If there is money left in the joint account it could be siphoned off to savings for family holidays or similar.

[Bufra]

I presume the camper van is for holidays for all of you? Not just for his personal use? In which case its not as much of a fritter as it sounds.

And I do the majority of cooking in our house because I'm better at it - there's no way I'd need to to take annual leave to cope. We have four children! Do you not ever have pizza or frozen fish and chips?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Tell him you are happy to pay for half the meals out. When he cooks half the meals at home. Seems perfectly fair to me

[Lynnm63]

When I read the title initially I was yes YABU as I read further no you're not with bells on. If you like cooking and don't mind taking time off to do it fair enough BUT that is a job therefore you should be reimbursed for your time. Ideally he wouldn't be an arse about it but he is.

My DH and Ihave always pooled our finances if one has money both of us do, even when he was earning several times my salary. I cook as Im good at it and enjoy it and he isn't.

You need a long hard look at finances as you are being screwed over you feel guilty for buying a couple of jumpers. I do too but my DH insists I get new things if and when I want them and even if I don't he won't change without being pushed and he will only get worst.

[HannahHobbins]

Hmmmm we put proportional amounts depending on our pay into the joint to allow us both the same amount to spend each month, sounds like yours is pretty unfair to me.
Although DH and I earn within a few £K of each other so it turns out equal. I earn a bit more so I put more i to the joint.

Would he consider that?

[BitOutOfPractice]

"We've been married for over ten years now with this arrangement, so it works for us"
**
Except it doesn't dies it?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Although it works just fine for him

[AndNowItsSeven]

I have little zero sympathy with couples who have dc not sharing all money. You are a family one unit start with the basics re finances and go from there.

[ImperialBlether]

It works really well for him!

[FlatOnTheHill]

Very simple answer here YANBU.
No one needs to analyse the OPs life. Its a case of 'it wouldnt bloody well hurt him'.
I have never come across any man that would sit there and watch a lady get her purse out for a meal. And thats not old fashioned its called being a gentleman.
Or in this case let the money come out of her bank account.

[wafflerinchief]

i think you've got 2 issues: 1) why doesn't he do his fair share of chores 2) Is there an unfair financial split. I agree with the sentiment that if you're eating out because he's not pulling his weight, it's simply his to pay for as he's opting out of making food for his family, and above that, you need to review the financial split if you're left with so little to spend on yourself. I certainly wouldn't be putting up with huffle puffing from Mr Camper Van, I'd be sitting him down for a chat.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This comment from expat has hit the nail on the head:-
"And sit down and have a long think about finances, because you are getting screwed".

I presume he presented the VW campervan to you as a done deal in that you were barely consulted over such a purchase.

Indeed you are being done over here OP. This could be construed also as financial abuse by him towards you. That is also about power and control; he wants absolute over you and your children. He sees you all as unimportant or certainly not as important as getting his own needs met.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships here?.

[BitOutOfPractice]

She's not just being screwed financially though is she?

[roundaboutthetown]

Utterly bizarre. Eating out as a family is a family expense, so pay for it out of the joint account. Don't pretend it's more of a treat for him than you. Cooking for the family is an onerous family chore. Either he does his fair share of it, or he does a hell of a lot more of something else to make up for it, or he contributes a lot more to the family finances to make up for his failings in that department - which will probably work out as more costly to him in the long run than paying for the family meals out. It doesn't really make sense for him to pay for the meals out of money you have agreed is "his." Either it's his to spend as he wishes or it isn't... You are conflating two separate issues and causing unnecessary confusion as a result.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Just take the meals out of the joint account - I assume food shopping comes from there

And at home encourage dh to cook a meal or two a week. Something simple for you and kids

Out of curiosity you say you both work so who pays for the childcare?

[SquinkiesRule]

Finances are not equal. All money goes in one pot, all bills and savings come from that pot and you both get an equal amount monthly to do with as you wish.
Everything comes from the one pot, meals out, birthdays, decorating, family trips, you name it.
From your own bit each month you can buy presents for others, your own clothes kids are from the pot any hobbies and if you feel like to save it for something bigger.
You are a partnership and equals, this isn't animal farm, no one is more equal than anyone else. You are supposed to be as one.

[knobblyknee]

I'd be worried about the huffy reaction. WTF is that about? He doesnt enjoy eating out, or treating everyone? He sees that as 'his' money and he resents spending it on you?

You two need to talk.

[Sunbeam1112]

Excuse the pun but you really are making a meal of the situation AL to make home made meals ?Maybe look at the type of food your looking spa bol doesn't take long to cook, fish pie,salmon salad etc. Homemade food doesn't have to be made entirely from scratch. I cook in the house but there's plenty of reciepes that aren't difficult to do.

[Oldraver]

I would seriously think about binning a man who earned twice what I do, but who huffs over buying his family a meal out