AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

[roundaboutthetown]

Well, surely you ought to be able to budget to pay for one meal out in three? You are not being financially independent so much as cramping everyone else's style unnecessarily. Why should your dh and children live according to your means when they don't have to?

[sleeponeday]

Who looks after the kids when he is working evenings and weekends?

[HamaTime]

So you do all the cooking, shopping, meal planning and presumably childcare when you are at home as he won't even look after the dcs while you cook a special meal for him and in addition you facilitate his earning with evening and weekend childcare so he can earn more money for himself, you can barely afford to clothe yourself and you are under pressure to contribute more financially to facilitate him never having to cook a meal and in the meantime he pisses money up the wall and gets huffy and arsey and won't do basic shit like make a simple meal for his kids but he thinks you should take annual leave to catch up on cooking?

Does he have a solid gold cock?

[Trills]

You think it is "fair" for him to have twice as much spending money as you, because he earns it.

We are telling you that it is unfair and unbalanced.

His ability to earn that money is dependent on unpaid work that you do.

The unpaid work that you do may also have reduced your ability to earn more money (extra hours, travel, extra work that leads to promotions, etc).

You can put up with it if you think it gives you a better life, but it is not FAIR.

[expatinscotland]

What Hama said. He landed on his feet with you.

'I wish I could - I used to be able to pre-DS2, but my portion of two lots of full-time nursery fees have taken a large chunk out of the extra I used to have to do this. So I offer to cook instead, but he still wants to go out then gets arsey if I don't pay sometimes.'

Then you tell him, I cannot afford it. I cannot even clothe myself. I offered to cook, you said no. So you pay.

Since you are determined to be taken advantage of by this man.

[Trills]

I am not recommending a wholly join account with all the money, because I fully agree with the "his money, his folly" attitude (good phrase btw! :) ) but the AMOUNT you have in your individual my-money-my-folly accounts should be equal.

[expatinscotland]

Your portion of nursery fees is too high if you cannot even afford clothes. But hey, you like it this way.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I think it was more based on you saying that what he did was 'not nearly so time consuming' after saying that you had to take annual leave to keep up with your share of the chores tbf.

Not all chores, just the batch cooking.

I really don't know what else to do other than use AL occasionally to just cook as it's so much easier without the DCs around. I have been trying to do one big batch of something per week on a Saturday morning, but it's so hard to manage with a clingy one year old and a three year old who wants to 'help'.

We're vegetarians, which does kind of limit our options. Slow cookers aren't quite the option that they are for meat eaters. Slow-cooked vegetarian stuff still requires a hell of a lot of prep that I really don't have time to do in the morning and don't have the energy to do in the evening on top of our other household jobs.

Yes, we have occasional frozen pizzas to make my life easier, but really no more than about once a fortnight.

[expatinscotland]

' I have been trying to do one big batch of something per week on a Saturday morning, but it's so hard to manage with a clingy one year old and a three year old who wants to 'help'.'

So where is he to provide the childcare?

It's too bad your mother didn't bring you up to not be such a pushover, too.

[frozenslice]

Totally agree with the last few posters.

This guy is enabled to earn his salary by the OP, she is providing a support system for him and their children. Without that I doubt it would be so easy for him to put so much energy into earning if he didn't have the OP.

My OH works long hours, often evenings and weekends with no notice. He earns good money and freely admits that he wouldn't be able to do this if I didn't shoulder the biggest burden of running the house and caring for our kids.

Because of that he feels the money belongs to us, not to him, we are a team, we both pull our weight in our own ways.

We never question each other's spending. We only have joint accounts.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

HamaTime

Fair points, but he doesn't expect me to take annual leave. He wishes I wouldn't and would just make my life easier with ready meals every night, but I won't do it. Too boring as vegetarians (we'd be on a rotating schedule of about three choices) and it's not healthy for the DCs.

Also, he works evenings and weekends to sock away enough money to get our mortgage paid off which is to both our advantage, so I have no issues providing the additional parenting input required to facilitate this.

[motherinferior]

I am in a rare minority in that I too would hate to share all money. We have a joint add

[witsender]

In which case he shouldn't begrudge spending the income you have facilitated his earning on family meals, should he.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

So where is he to provide the childcare?

He's trying to corral them as much as possible, honestly!

[TheOriginalMerylStrop]

He gets expensive fixations every now and again - a premium gym membership he never used, a ridiculously expensive bike which has been acquiring cobwebs in the shed for two years, the campervan - which I've gently tried to talk him out of but which we've never fallen out over because, well, his money, his folly. If he was taking the money for those things out of a joint pot I would be Pissed. Off. But he's not. It's his to do with as he wishes, not mine to dictate his spending to him.

He IS taking it out of a joint pot. You are married, ergo it is joint money/resources. You just don't get to afford to clothe yourself properly but get to financially struggle whilst he calls you mean for not sharing the costs of eating out.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

In which case he shouldn't begrudge spending the income you have facilitated his earning on family meals, should he.

Exactly.

[Trills]

I don't know why you think that's a rare minority motherinferior - threads that start from a balanced place usually have a mixture of opinions.

This thread started from a very unbalanced place, so the loudest voices you hear will be those who do the opposite (not those who do something similar-but-more-fair).

[motherinferior]

I am in a rare minority in that I too would hate to share all money. We have a joint account and separate ones: we have very different attitudes to finances/savings/pensions.

The difference is that my partner is gener

[motherinferior]

...generous and certainly does not expect me either to pay for childcare or to do his share of the cooking.

[motherinferior]

Ok, it seemed to be a minority on this thread! Pooling all money would be mad in out h

[motherinferior]

Mad in our house. And unworkable as I'm freelance anyway and need a business acc

[motherinferior]

Account.

Sorry. Am having problems posting.

[Ragwort]

I hope the house is in joint names?

You say you could never depend on your DH's income - what would happen if you were made redundant, chronically ill or disabled so that you just couldn't work? It is all very well wanting to be 100% financially independent but you are a family - and families support each other, without a grudge.

Your DH sounds an absolute miser, I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone who complained about 'paying' for a family meal out .

[Trills]

You understand that I am on your side here, right?

I don't think that what you are asking for is wrong.

I think that what you are asking for is NOT ENOUGH.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

On one hand the way we do it doesn't seem that fair to me but in practice it is.

Both our monthly salaries get paid into the joint account - I earn about 40% more than DH. He gets £50 a month paid into an old account as"spending money" I don't have anything paid into my personal account. We both work full time but he does more hours and does a more physical job. I do the majority of ferrying the teens about, the shopping, cooking and housework. He does the kitchen after dinner each night and does the ironing, buckets and garden.

If we go out to eat, it comes out the joint account. He spends very little, but will occasionally get some beers added into the grocery shopping, he always checks if we have money before buying anything and basically lets the money in his own account build up to use for buying my birthday and christmas gifts so I don't see the money coming out the joint account.

The original aim was for us to each have the same amount of disposable income to spend on ourselves regardless of our salaries as it isn't his fault that society values my job more than his when actually his is a caring role and mine is in finance.