To never want to celebrate Christmas again

[crepeyneck]

This is third Christmas as single parent to three teenagers. They spend the whole time in each others rooms and I am alone for four days. In total I have had company for 2 hours.. I have spoken to them about this before and nothing changes. I feel so upset that I am not even given a second thought....

Cant believe op has been called needy and whiny for not wanting to be ignored. She's shopped for presents, cooked dinner for them and the ungrateful little sods can't drag themselves away from their computer games to spend any time with her. Do you own thing next year op, let them fend for themselves, maybe they'll appreciate you more after

I agree with KinkyAfro here. I am so sorry they are treating you like this op. It really reminds me of how my brother treats my mum but he is now an adult and she is still putting up with him freeloading, treating her like crap yet she still tries to do everything for him so he doesn't lift a finger around the house. It makes me so mad but I can't stop it. Concentrate on your flat and your future like you said, don't forget about yourself.

Good for you op. Hopefully they will grow up eventually, and you'll regain the good relationship but in the meantime if you don't respect yourself and your needs, they sure as hell won't either.
Look after yourself. Let them know you love them but not their current behaviour. Don't enable them to disrespect you.

Good luck.

Calling you "bitch" is unacceptable behaviour from your children.

OTOH it is clear that your relationship with them is not good: e.g. what do you normally do together? It seems that you work a lot during the year - what things do you enjoy together? (The films you bought might be ones "they like to watch" but do you regularly watch films together?

Also: you said if the PS4 came down to the living room, you'd be stuck in your bedroom - why?

You said when they have their own families, you will do whatever you like at Xmas - but you can do that now, too.

I would definitely and radically change some house rules: I don't think any teenager needs to be paid to do any jobs in the home where he is being kept he lives. I would also have no wifi and no extras while they refuse to do things.

I think you need to stop this "Disney dad" stuff.

You sound bitter, like you resent them wanting to communicate with their dad because he walked out on you at Christmas.

It's alright to feel hurt, but after 4 years you should be over it.

You also sound like you have no authority in your house at all.

You need to take the power back. Stand up for yourself.

What jobs are they paid for?

Have you spoken to a solicitor about the 50-50 agreement? It seems unfair that your ex should end up so much better off. Are you actually divorced yet?

Crepey, sending you . You've had a really crappy time and don't deserve it. Look after yourself, show the teens a bit of tough love and I think you will come out on top v soon.

Wishing you a fantastic 2016.

I think there could be a middle way than moving into a smaller place immediately and effectively abandoning the family next Christmas! This won't work at all, as they will have no clue why you did this and your relationship will deteriorate. It is also too long term and your resentment will build. You need to do something now to let them know how upset you are, but also perhaps reset the relationships on many levels.

None of this sounds unfixable to me. They spent a lot of time in their rooms, were stroppy when asked to do chores and called you some unpleasant names. These all sound typical of teenage behaviour, but also typical of things that you have to absolutely clamp down on, or the name calling in particular. But nothing out of the ordinary on the teen boards at least, I don't think.

The Christmas dinner situation was very difficult- their dad called so effectively they were pulled in two directions at that time, with you fuming downstairs, and him being Disney Dad upstairs. You have incorrectly read their choice- they are sure of your love and unsure of his as he is flaky and crap, so they chose him because of that, not because they love you less. I think cutting a bit of slack around the timing of dinner would have been ok for you here.

The balance of power in the house is wrong, and there are no sanctions for swearing at their mum! I would decide what your bottom-line issue is here, and for me it is open rudeness and disrespect. I would be less fussed about them all being in their rooms for a few days, they need to relax, want to be together, and had you been busy with friends/your own family/activities, this wouldn't have felt that bad. My dd (12) is practically living in her room at present, though she comes down for food and the odd visit to relatives if we make her. I don't see this as a reflection on me, it's her down time.

But the swearing/name calling/nastiness has to stop. So, what is the consequence? I would have a simple- one name- one day of the internet off or whatever. Or ask the eldest to leave the house if he is going to be rude to you.

There are no consequences, they get to eat everything, do what they like- this power balance of you being essentially in charge has to be restored. But equally, I do think you need to back off a bit with the guilt over not spending time together, they did spend time with you and their behaviour is pretty usual for a lot of teens.

I would also divide and conquer. They are three, you are one, take them out individually for a coffee or make time for a chat and tell them how upset you were with them swearing at you and say that you won't be tolerating it in the future and what the consequence will be (no lifts to activities, no cooking that week or whatever).

If they were nasty to you daily, I would call it abuse, but I'm betting a lot of teens have stuffed up by saying bad stuff to their parents in the past- it's what you do about it that matters.

I think making a life for yourself is an excellent idea anyway as they are growing up a lot and very independent, and also get on well which is great, so your individual relationships with them might be less 'all round the Christmas tree singing carols' and more about individual time spent with each one, in amongst seeing your own friends etc.

Cant believe op has been called needy and whiny for not wanting to be ignored. She's shopped for presents, cooked dinner for them and the ungrateful little sods can't drag themselves away from their computer games to spend any time with her.

But that isn't how it works.Kids need to grow up and grow away. Then, as they get older they will form a different, adult-adult relationship with their mum.
If you try to force them to spend time with you, they are going to run for the hills as soon as they are able to.

Next Christmas don't buy them anything.

Use the money you save to go away somewhere and have a nice break.

Send them to their Dad, don't let them stay in your house alone.

Stop paying them to do jobs as well. They live in the house, they should do their share regardless of payment.

One of them is legally an adult. The other two are not far off.

They are all old enough to know better than to call their mother a bitch.

I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time OP

When their Dad left just before Christmas it must have made you and the children very very sad on that Christmas day. It seems their bravado and pretending they don't care at Christmas is just a teenager front. They will remember feeling very very upset, crying and seeing you extremely sad and upset. That would have torn apart their world at the time. That is a fact. Is it that they can't handle seeing you sad anymore as it brings back very painful memories when they were all sad, and they can't deal with it and don't want to ? One day when they are much older they will look back and be able to openly discuss it, but just now, they are immature, and focusing on being a teen and finding themselves.

Although this is the time in their life now where they are finding themselves, and growing away from their childhood identity so they will naturally argue with parents more and want to spend time doing stuff independently- it is no excuse to be verbally abusive to their parents and call nasty names

give it time to settle. When both you & the children are back into a routine, keep the door open to talk about things but above all don't allow their insults to upset you -expect a bit of stupidity from them as they are obviously very immature at discussing whatever is upsetting them to behave so nastily.

Remind yourself they have a lot of growing up to do as their Dad has messed up big time- not you... It is your turn now to take care of yourself and think about new groups/outings/activities/classes Can they cook from now on and you have time off to recover from all your hard work for the year? As far as the insults go, from now on can you pretend they can't touch you or upset you.

Expect them to be immature in their reponse but it is still you who is right in pushing them towards taking repsonsibility. Dont' allow the children to control you by upsetting you. They have to start pulling their own weight & you are right to be pissed off with their shit behaviour. You are right to keep teaching them to take repsonsibility as it is your job as a parent to get them ready to be an adult and eventually, happily leave home , and take charge of their own life.

Agreed, you need to be forging a new type of relationship with older teens, not one built on guilt and obligation.

What sings out to me is that the OP seems to have no power in her own house. Yes, the teens were rude, but OP seems to think she is powerless to do anything about it. You should still command respect no matter how old your kids are.

HPsauciness has great suggestions- on on one time with each child going for coffee, or doing food shopping together will develop a stronger relationship with each child & in time , could help to divide & conquer

Hygge has made suggestion to stop paying for jobs. IMO if you show that you do not reward bad behaviour you still need to reward good behaviour- so can you switch it up and say you are only paying for jobs if there are nO insults as you do not reward nasty behaviour? it is a way of standing your ground but also rewarding good behaviour, to keep the good behaviour coming. I would hold onto the good stuff if you can, but agree with Hygge, you need to use some of the money next Christmas for YOU

My sils dh left her for ow. When the kids were teens they were so cruel to her. Called her names even went so far as to say no wonder dad left you. She was steady as a rock for them always there as lm sure you are. Bit by bit as they grew they came round. They were taking all their anger with their dad out on her. They were all about their dad when he arrived to pick them up.. Recently one of them married and on her wedding day spoke so highly publicly about her mum. I thought you would never have believed that little monster would turn into such a loving young lady. I remember being a right little rip at times as a teenager but really as l got older l had huge respect for my parents.Stick by your kids. Please don't threaten to leave them or throw them out. They need your unconditional love after their fathers rejection.Everytime they are rude call them on it. They need to know you will never give up on them as their dad has done. A lot of teens are in their rooms. This will change. My children are a bit older now and sometimes they are chatting and chatting to me late at night and lm wondering when are you going to your room. The fact they get on well is a good reflection of your parenting. Try and use humour with them. Don't bad mouth their dad. Don't be a victim giving out the air of poor old me. That would definitely send them running to their rooms. You have done a good job. This is not the end of the story. It's only a phase.
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Great advice there junebirthdaygirl

Sorry OP this sounds awful :( I agree you should tell them - in the next couple of days - that they will have to go to their dad's next year. He can't exactly refuse to have them, he's their dad. Tell them now so you can't be accused of springing it on them. Might be an idea to tell them separately

is it normal to spend all time upstairs and come down for meals and watering like a plant? This was not normal for me growing up 1 of 7 siblings with very few toys forget gadgets kids get today.

We stayed home many years beyond 19 only leave when we get married. Any special occasion there was a rule no tv allowed, no meeting out with friends but friends were welcome to join us. Family gatherings being together was very important still is.

my kids are still young but so far they don't spend any time upstairs apart from when i allow the PS (which is now confiscated) or if they want quiet time to read a book.

So i sympathise with you OP . maybe come to a compromise it is a family occasion split the time? They can have some independent time but there should be family time too, quality family time.

The plans for Christmas were agreed between all of us including the films. I really don't think I will ever spend another Christmas with them as it has been 3 years in a row and the cruelty is not acceptable and I won't accept that from anyone ever again. They can go to their father's next year as I am not being their punch bag for their father's behaviour. I feel very wary of them now as I really don't think any of them have a shred of decency.

Like other posters, I'm sorry you are feeling so down and disappointed with your kids and they have acted selfishly.

But you do have unrealistic expectations of teenagers and the enormous, great but trumpeting elephant in the room is that their father left them at Christmas! Whether conscious or not they will naturally associate this time of year with the biggest trauma of their lives.

The fact that the three of them are best buds and chose to spend the time together means you have done a good job and that, for me, would give me a warm glow that they are friends hanging out rather than in their own rooms.

I think it is really odd that you consider the rest of the year with them 'an illusion'?! Yet the rest of the year you have a great relationship with them, it's only the last few days they've been a bit up their own arses. It's the other way round. Christmas and all the 'perfect family time' is an illusion and is so horribly hyped - the expectations we have are absolutely ludicrous!

Yes they were all rude and selfish and you can and should put your foot down about the things you won't do for them anymore. Calling you a 'bitch' is a one strike and you're out situation. Unacceptable, you will take money off them, stop doing laundry, whatever it is that will hit them most. And there is nothing wrong with saying you will do your own thing next year as you found this one lonely.

However separate the two issues and please do not guilt trip them or punish them with sulking for months about the Christmas issue (i.e. this blooming idea about watching some films tother) or they will not come back to you in their 20s when the appeal of family Christmases with their own partners etc comes back.

Great big trumpeting elephant

No warm glow from any of the experience especially 3 of them ganging up on me. In your world nasty personal insults may be ok but not mine.

Op are there any adults (aunts/uncles/godparents) who they respect?

Ok but I and everyone else have said the nasty insults are NOT ok.

You are choosing to ignore all the other, very important and poignant, things people are trying to get through to you about, about teens and about your husband leaving at Christmas!

Are you reading responses? Are any of the other points resonating or are you just stuck on your kids have all turned out to be bastards and you want rid?

It's alright to feel hurt, but after 4 years you should be over it

Wow!! Callous or what!