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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to celebrate Christmas again

190 replies

crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 10:28

This is third Christmas as single parent to three teenagers. They spend the whole time in each others rooms and I am alone for four days. In total I have had company for 2 hours.. I have spoken to them about this before and nothing changes. I feel so upset that I am not even given a second thought....

OP posts:
TPel · 28/12/2015 10:51

I would change the wifi code and then go out without them. It might give them a bit of food for thought.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 28/12/2015 10:52

So tell them how they made you feel instead of sitting on it letting it fester. My mum always used to let resentment build until it came out months down the line and she still does it now. Teenagers are selfish so make them see what their behaviour has done to you. How do you expect it to improve otherwise?

Original poster
crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 10:54

PS4 but if it came into living room I would be stuck in my bedroom all day

OP posts:
OldFarticus · 28/12/2015 10:55

Jeanne that is horrible - so sorry Sad

usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 10:58

Yanbu.
I have had an awful Christmas.

Two teens and spent it with my parents. Very likely my Mums last and the pressure to make it a nice one was massive. It has been a huge elephant in the room.

I was trumped as per usual with the dc presents leaving me feeling like crap. My parents bought them everything on their wish list so they were not really interested or excited about anything i got. One of my presents to them is broke. The bikes i got them were sent the wrong size but too late to sort so is not going to fit for months and the frame i need no longer in stock.

To cap it off one of my teens is being particularly horrid and aggressive at the moment and told my parents I am a mean horrible mother yesterday.

Original poster
crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 10:58

I told them before Christmas that I did not want another dreadful Christmas being ignored but they still did it. The 3 of them get on very well so have a fabulous time while I don't even see anyone.

OP posts:
dodgeballqueen · 28/12/2015 10:59

Couldn't you stay in the living room with them mumsneting reading a worthwhile and enriching book whilst they PS4 it? At least you're together even if you're not doing a joint activity.

winterswan · 28/12/2015 11:01

crepey I feel for you but it's the holding bird analogy - I think your little birds want to fly free and you're holding them so tight they don't want to fly back to you.

I can't believe people are suggesting cancelling Christmas because of some stroppy, sullen teens Hmm

I think if you can relax and not 'need' them as much, they will come to you naturally and it will be much nicer.

SaucyJack · 28/12/2015 11:03

Do any of them have a family friendly-ish PS4 game that you could play together?

Like a dual screen racing game or summat.

OnGoldenPond · 28/12/2015 11:05

Maybe next year you could volunteer for something like Crisis at Christmas? My DH and DD did Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and said it was the best experience. The camaraderie and opportunity to meet real people in need and make a real difference to them was fantastic. They got fed too!

Volunteers are especially in demand for Christmas Day and you can spend the day with people who would really appreciate you.

You never know, your teens might be inspired to join you Smile

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is something for you, don't give the DCs a thought as they don't deserve it. The shock of you putting yourself first for a change might make them sit up and take notice.

UninventiveUsername · 28/12/2015 11:06

Crepey that sounds horrible. I know it would be the same for my mum if she didn't have me to come to. Do you have any other friends/relations you could spend the day with? Give the teens a warning that you plan to not be there unless they agree to spend the day together as a family, no computers.

I think they will grow out of this. It is selfish but I agree with ThreeRuddy, tell them how they have made you feel now, don't let it fester.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 28/12/2015 11:06

Well, crepey at least next year there will only be 2 teenagers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2015 11:08

I can tell how hurt you are and your need to be needed is screaming out.

I have 3 ds's; 20,18 and 16.

They all do their own thing , even at Christmas.

MamaLazarou · 28/12/2015 11:08

Can you book yourself a lovely holiday next Christmas and leave the unsociable so-and-sos behind?

mintoil · 28/12/2015 11:14

The personal insults are definitely not OK. How come they don't behave like this all year, but they do at Christmas?

My teens are 19 and 15 and they spend most of their time in their rooms when they are here thank God and I have no problem with it tbh.

They come down for meals obviously and we wander in and out of each others rooms and the lounge during the day for little chats. In the evening I usually spend at least two hours watching Aiden Turner in a towel on my own in the lounge watching what I like to watch, but sometimes they will come and sit with me for an hour or so if it's something they like, then they are off to their rooms again to PS4, internet shop.

I agree with PP, if I get to the point where I am missing them, I have to bite the bullet and agree to watch some shite DD likes (obscure US series) on the main tv and try to enjoy the fact she is attempting to explain it all to me!! Or I let DS play PS4 downstairs (this doesn't happen often!)

Do you now have friends and extended family you can visit and leave them to it? I just go out, especially in the mornings as they don't surface until midday.

I bet XH and OW are having just the same problems btw.

TheImprobableGirl · 28/12/2015 11:15

I'm going to go against the grain slightly and say YABU.... Christmas is a time for family, yes, but also a time for relaxation and togetherness... They are having a fab time, surely you have friends or your own DVDs or a lovely book to read? And then go and get them for a couple of hours in the evening??

Children shouldn't be your entertainment.... Yes you have raised three teenagers, but as a pp rightly said your birds need to fly free! Maybe they don't want to watch DVDs.... They are old enough now (and confident enough due to a good, stable upbringing) to know their own minds and know their own desires.

I'm not saying YABU for being lonely, but I do think YABU for blaming your dc

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2015 11:15

What personal insults, what are they saying?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2015 11:19

I also think you're unreasonable to try to force them to spend time with you, teenagers don't want to be made to sit with their parents, not in my experience anyway.

Make sure next Christmas you do something to please yourself and don't expect anything from them, do your own thing, whatever that might be.

senua · 28/12/2015 11:22

Teenagers are horrible selfish creatures but they eventually morph into nice human beings. Bide your time. And be the better person that you want them to turn into.

TheImprobableGirl · 28/12/2015 11:27

Depending on the severity of the personal insults then obviously ps4 time isn't appropriate anyway ? For example if my dc were to call me an annoying fat cunt for example then I would cheerfully cut the plug off of both ps4 and tv.... However if they said that I needed to stop bothering them and to buzz off... I wouldn't be quite so venomous?

TheImprobableGirl · 28/12/2015 11:28

(Both situations unlikely personally as Dc are 5 and 20months Grin )

Tiggeryoubastard · 28/12/2015 11:30

Yabu. I'm guessing they're playing on new games. You're downstairs sulking. You even said if they played downstairs you'd be in your room. Ffs they're doing what they want to do together. There's nothing wrong with that. Who wants to have to be there to entertain a sulking parent at that age? Also, were the personal insults you mentioned because you were being self pitying and unreasonable? Fgs get yourself a hobby or some friends.

Didiusfalco · 28/12/2015 11:35

I know this is going to sound mean, but insults aside (absolutely not acceptable) your teens sound normal, but you sound very needy. Why not put the ps4 in the lounge and join in? okay it may not be your thing, but it may be what you need to do to connect with them. i spent some of Christmas day playing mariokart with my nephew on the wiiu, am i remotely interested in computer games, no, but it pleased him - otherwise we would probably have had no interaction. The fact they all get on famously suggests they are not horrible people, but maybe your expectations are unrealistic? Having said that, they are definitely old enough for you to branch out and do your own thing or simplify Christmas to suit you next year. Is this actually more to do with 'disney dad' and the ow? In which case, my heartfelt sympathy to you. Christmas can cause some difficult emotions to rise to the surface.

Topseyt · 28/12/2015 11:36

I am with Improbable. I was trying to think of a gentle way to say it, but couldn't and she has done it well.

I have teenagers. Personal insults are never OK, so you need to knock that on the head. However, I really don't mind mine spending time in their bombsites bedrooms, with me peacefully either reading or watching what I want on TV.

They are usually up there enjoying the games and stuff we bought them, and I am happy with that. They do pop down for feeding and sometimes we do pick movies to watch.

Sometimes DH and I might suggest going out somewhere (yesterday we all went 10 pin bowling), and if they want to come they are very welcome. If not then we will go on our own.

Don't be too needy to a teenager.

Ditsy4 · 28/12/2015 11:36

Book a remote cottage / youth hostel next year make sure no tv, ps4 but board games. Don't tell them. All have to help with cooking, long walks and a pub lunch reward or afternoon tea. Even if you just have three or four days. Start planning now.
I've been ill ( chest infection ) since Christmas Day evening. After I prepared and cooked for 6. Hardly been near me ( DH and DD ) other than the odd hot drink, some food. DH away today and DD will leave on 30 th. Wasn't the Christmas I wanted either but sometimes shit happens. Get engrossed in a good book, invite a friend around or go and visit one. Don't run around after them. The insults are off unless they are trying to be funny. Teenagers have an odd sense of humour sometimes. Sorry you are feeling low. Can you get out for a walk? I find that helps sometimes.