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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never want to celebrate Christmas again

190 replies

crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 10:28

This is third Christmas as single parent to three teenagers. They spend the whole time in each others rooms and I am alone for four days. In total I have had company for 2 hours.. I have spoken to them about this before and nothing changes. I feel so upset that I am not even given a second thought....

OP posts:

Original poster

crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 15:53

They can't express their anger to their father so I get it all.

I don't think I can move on from this as I am a really nice mother to them and it is so obvious that they don't care about me and never will

OP posts:

senua · 28/12/2015 15:54

You can't threaten to make them homeless unless you are prepared to carry through with it. An empty threat will only make things worse.
However, if they happen to accidentally on purpose find a 'rogue text' on your phone to a mate saying that you are thinking of this course of action ...

But don't do anything rash now. Everyone has cabin fever after Christmas. Leave things a little and see how you feel in a month's time.

Don't rise to their insults. If they get no reaction then they will stop doing it.

NewYearNewName16 · 28/12/2015 15:55

OP, your last post....I feel like crying for you . You do not deserve this. You must treat yourself better and make it stop, even if it means shipping them off.

Btw, your ex really sounds like a piece of crap .

Shumaya · 28/12/2015 15:57

I agree that you should tell them they're no longer welcome to live with you. For some reason, I doubt their dad and OW would be happy with them moving in but that isn't your problem. You don't deserve to be treated like this, let alone in your own home.

They sound like horrible, cruel people whether they're angry about their dad or not. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 15:57

Maybe book a couple of structured things for next year? Like theatre or film tickets and a meal (xmas dinner?) out somewhere. FORCE them to be sociable.

Either that or send them to the ex's and bugger off for a few days somewhere cosy or sunny

hesterton · 28/12/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fidel1ne · 28/12/2015 16:00

Bitch is the insult of choice for all of them but it has progressed to insults about weight and looks from 2 of them as they know how ex used to compare me to OW...

Oh sorry just saw that^. It's not just Christmas that is the problem then?

You do need to draw a line in the sand somehow. So sorry you are putting up with this

derxa · 28/12/2015 16:02

They can't express their anger to their father so I get it all.
That's it in a nutshell but it doesn't make it right. They are bullying you.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 28/12/2015 16:03

I think you need to book yourself a stay in a hotel next year and sod them. Make sure you've got enough food in, tell their father to pop in and check on them and just breezily announce on Christmas Eve that you're off. I bloody would, horrible little monsters.

GabiSolis · 28/12/2015 16:05

It sounds like they need counselling to deal with what happened.

OP, you don't sound needy at all or over sensitive. You sound like you're trying to do your best in a bad situation.

I'm sure they do love you, but when children (even older ones) are angry, they take it out on the people they know will continue to love them no matter what. This makes you the target and not their father. That isn't to excuse their behaviour, but perhaps to understand it a bit more.

Short term, I would be cutting the wifi. Long term I would sit down with them (individually if you have to) and make it clear that things are changing. You need to make this less about the time spent with you and more about how they speak to you and treat you.

Orda1 · 28/12/2015 16:06

Just read they call you bitch , I'm tempted to say kick them out.

Original poster

crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 16:07

I think I have just tried to pretend they don't mean it but they do.

I had to work late on Christmas eve and got a text from older son saying what time would I get home as he would cook dinner. I replied but when I got back no dinner was made and no excuse but suspect they had decide to eat before I got home.

OP posts:

spanky2 · 28/12/2015 16:14

Unacceptable behaviour from your dcs. Stop their pocket money. They are old enough to earn it. You could try some cognitive behaviour therapy to boost your self esteem. It seems to be in your boots. I've just finished a course of it and feel much more confident in my abilities. I agree with everyone else, Disney dad can have them next year as you are going on holiday! Tbh put yourself first for a change. They have grown up thinking they can treat you like shit as their dad has done. No more. You are worth more than that and when you believe it there will be nowhere for their petty insults to go.

Shaffron · 28/12/2015 16:30

Personal insults not on but I think it's unreasonable to expect much else from teenagers. No, they don't want to be with parents because they are by nature self-absorbed and focused on friends etc.

As long as your relationship is basically good they will grow out of it. It's a normal period to be dismissive of parents. They are trying to be independent.

I would keep trying but also I would take time for myself.

MorrisZapp · 28/12/2015 16:37

You poor thing OP. I have to say as the mother of a very demanding five year old, biddable teenagers socialising quietly at the other end of the house while mum watches Christmas telly sounds like heaven.

Being called a bitch, not so much. In some ways they just need maturity to see how shit their behaviour is, and that's got to come with time. When my parents split, I was a horror to all parties concerned.

I'm now a doting, loving daughter who enjoys their company (in reasonable doses!) and I cringe at my awful behaviour.

Please don't lose heart.

Grapejuicerocks · 28/12/2015 16:54

You need to make this less about the time spent with you and more about how they speak to you and treat you.

This is what you need to focus on. They have no respect for you and your needs and they won't unless you force the issue. So you either have to accept the situation and feast on the scraps of family life they throw at you, or you need to really rock the boat and lay out how it's going to be from now on. It won't be easy as they've learnt this behaviour over a long time. Are you prepared to do this? It will get worse before it gets better. They won't want to spend any time with you in the short term as they will not like the new you, but when they actually have some respect for you then your relationship will be better. What have you got to lose? They aren't interacting with you anyway unless there is something in it for them.

In 18 months time, your housing situation will have to change. You can use this as the introduction to how things are going to move forward. You say that you love them but you are not prepared to be treated as you have been. Ask them if you need to make plans to live by yourself or ask them if they want to be included then tell them that if this is so, they need to buck their ideas up. Your son needs to decide whether he will be doing his post 16 studies with you or at his fathers. The others need to treat you with respect or they too will need to move out sooner rather than later.
In the meantime they treat you properly or they will face the consequences. Wifi codes are within your power. As is pocket money etc. You mustn't get angry. Just calm determination and consistency. They must appreciate that you mean business and will not put up with it any more. The choice is theirs.

It will take guts op and the road will be rocky. Either that or you have to accept their treatment of you. Nothing is likely to change unless you force it to.

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2015 16:56

The OP can't throw them out, because they're the only reason why the house hasn't been sold, yet.

My worry would be that they are being influenced to bully the OP out, by the Father.

She's between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

OP I would speak to the eldest and see how you can all I rove things for the future.

Your youngest must be worried about the future, if not all of them. I was going to downsize to a two bed and my middle DD panicked (she is renting with her DP and has a DC), in case she ever needed somewhere to stay.

NoMilkNoSugar · 28/12/2015 17:08

I would withhold pocket money for jobs not done and as for the child benefit argument, my reply would be that it will go towards the internet and electricity their PS4 is using. I also think you need to stop being so nice. You have nothing to feel guilty about. DH is the arsehole, you don't need to make up for his shit decisions. Sometimes kids need to know they have let you down, they insult you, The WiFi pass word gets changed. They don't don't do jobs, they don't get paid. They don't include you in meals, you don't buy the nice treats like biscuits and crisps. Even if they make you a meal and leave it plated for you to warm up later. And most importantly, you need to find some thing to make you happy, whether it be a fitness DVD of an evening, a hobby or start phoning your friends for a chat. Good luck OP

ohtheholidays · 28/12/2015 17:19

They're all by law old enough to live on they're own OP,you do know this right?

The more you talk about them the worse it gets,you are in an abusive relationship times 3 just for you the abusers are your children!Enough is enough,if they love they're arsehole Father so bloody much pack they're bags and tell them they can go and live with him.

They'll get the kick up the arse they so badly need then because there is no way him and the OW will want them cramping they're style!

It's time for tough love OP and the time is right now.Tonight make your dinner for just you and don't cook anything for them at all!When they ask where they're dinner is tell them it's still in the fucking kitchen waiting to be made and let them get on with it!

It's time to fight fire with fire OP! Just think would you ever have treated your Mum in this way or would you like it if any close friends or family members were being treated in the same way by they're children?

Honestly if one of my friends were being treated like your being treated by they're children I would be going bloody mental at they're children!

Grapejuicerocks · 28/12/2015 17:23

birds but it's going to be sold anyway so plans need to be made.

Depending on their attitude and behaviour, she can begin to make plans for a cheaper one bed (either bought or rented) or try her hardest to accommodate them all. I wouldn't be trying very hard if they don't buck their ideas up. If they are included in the practical discussions, they might actually realise there will be natural repercussions if they continue the way they are. It's an ideal opportunity to change the status quo.

TendonQueen · 28/12/2015 17:30

OP, are you back in work tomorrow? Do you have New year's day off? If you do, go online now and book a hotel room for yourself for NYE, and when you finish work that day, pop home for overnight stuff, change the wifi code, and just go away for a day. Take a good book and some chocolates and leave them to it. If they wonder where you are for once, that'll be a start. If they don't, at least you haven't hung around to be ignored and insulted.

dolly2016 · 28/12/2015 17:40

3 of my DC are teenaged and they do their own thing.I really don't feel they need to entertain me.The harder you try to pull them to you, the more they are going to fight to get awy.I think you need to look at the good in your kids .For example ringing you to see what time you finished work so they could cook was a good thing, the fact it didn't come to fruition less so, but at least the thought was there.You said something about when ONE of them hasn't done thir job, so presumably the others had done theirs.That's good! You say it is just christmas that's the problem, so the rest of the year is good!
I think perhaps you are a bit unrealistic in your expectations of Christmas, and your teenagers.The swearing at you has to stop.I would wait until they have calmed down and speak to them one to one and say that you understand it was said in the heat of the moment , but how hurtful you find it.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2015 17:58

I find it really disturbing you think that, Dolly.

Original poster

crepeyneck · 28/12/2015 18:39

No-one else does any work just one teenager but he has to asked to do his jobs that he is paid for several times a day and kicks off when it is mentioned.

I am feeling vulnerable about the house being sold and I am hoping their father is not stirring things to get me to leave the house.

I have pointed out many times how hurtful their comments are but it makes no difference.

I am going to concentrate on myself by losing weight and forging a new single life. I won't be struggling to buy a place that can house all the children. I will go for a two bedroom flat with the second bedroom for a study.

Next Christmas I will arrange something for me to do and just leave them to get on with it as I have promised myself this is the last Christmas with them.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 28/12/2015 18:47

Good for you Crepey with the flat

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