To never want to celebrate Christmas again

[crepeyneck]

This is third Christmas as single parent to three teenagers. They spend the whole time in each others rooms and I am alone for four days. In total I have had company for 2 hours.. I have spoken to them about this before and nothing changes. I feel so upset that I am not even given a second thought....

I think the fact they are all enjoying themselves together is great - much better that they are all together rather than in separate rooms. The fact is that you and they don't share the same interests any more - this will change as they get older, but I know it's hard now.

The personal insults to you are dreadful, though. Completely unacceptable - you have to tackle those immediately.

It is great that they get on so well together at their age, bodes well for being there for eachother in adult life (misses point of thread...)

YABU a bit for having too high expectations. You will feel a lot more lonely in future years when they don't want to even visit for Christmas because such pressure is put on them and how they are expected to behave.

Ive not really seen my teen over Xmas. When we did drag him to the table he just sat on his phone, much to our embarrassment.

I don't really have any advice tbh

wait for grandkids

have you told them you'd like to so something together as a family?

Teenagers can be very selfish.

I'm sorry but you sound a bit whiny. I wonder if you are trying to force a kind of Enid Blyton Christmas on teenagers who are, in fact, too old for board games and reading fairy stories to each other. You say you bought films 'to watch together' - are the films remotely interesting to teens? There's a stage for most teens where they deeply resent and dislike 'family' entertainment such as A Muppet Christmas Carol or The Polar Express, because they feel that being made to watch it is a way of reminding them that they are not yet adults, for instance.
They are enjoying themselves together, so it's not even the case that each one is isolated behind a screen - have you made any attempt to join in with their amusements, or are you just hovering like a wet ghost in the doorway, complaining at them?

Surely you could read a book, or watch a film that you want to watch rather than sulking and moaning.

I'm kind of looking forward to this tbh, mine are still relatively small, but I think it is good if Christmas is simply another day, sometimes.

I hate the pressure myself.

Do you mean they are just having fun in their own way, and you're not really involved in it, or that they are being actively nasty to you, or perhaps not helping with the housework/cooking/washing up etc?

Mine can be thoughtless and not lend a hand at times, and I generally manage this by having a word or shouting

They will always be sorry though and do a big blitz to make up for it.

I am lonely sometimes but tbh that isn't their fault - it's my own choice.

You have to break it down

if they are being mean deliberately then that is a different kettle of fish.

its just normal teenager behaviour. My boys are 11 and 10 and spend all there free time on ps4 they come down when there hungry or thirsty other than that I only see them when I pop upstairs to do something ..
They don't want to sit down watching boring films or chatting to us going shopping with me,to them it's boring , they just want to chill out playing ps4 chatting to there friends on there watching you tube or TV in bed , when I was there age I didn't want to sit with my parents being bored

At least you no where they are, that they are safe. Just enjoy having the remote and chilling out with a glass of wine and stop nagging them

The films are bought were their favourite films. They don't pop in for a chat or anything just ignore my existence. Did not even make an effort for Christmas dinner. Refused to come down as were talking to Disney dad on phone when I had warned them 3 hours previously what time dinner would be.

I don't think I am needy but I do think spending four days completely alone is a bit excessive and we had agreed to have some family time watching the films they like.

I don't expect an Enid Blyton Christmas but this has been 3 years in a row.

Also refusing to do their jobs that they are paid to do and having very deeply unpleasant very personal and hurtful insults hurled at me by 2 of the 3.

Ok, that doesn't sound normal, nor does it sound like it's about Christmas. This goes deeper.

I would suggest you sit down with maybe the least aggressive one and ask them to talk to you. Maybe you can get somewhere in figuring out why they are acting this way.
If they are genuinely lovely the rest of the time, then ask them why that is.

Their dad walked out just before Christmas four years ago.

I am not happy to be treated like this when I do everything in my power to make them happy.

Just plan your own happy Christmas without them.

I assume you're now not paying them? (and why do you need to pay your children for jobs? Are these extra to the ones they should be doing as they live in a home?)

I disagree that it's normal behaviour. All of you with teens (mine are older now), did you not expect them to sit at Christmas dinner with you?

I think they're being very rude and in a way 'ganging-up'. I think you need to lay down a few expectations and consequences now. And not just for Christmas.

What did they say crepey?

Insults totally uncalled for, the wifi would be switched off and controllers for the ps4 taken away and then I'd bugger off out and leave them to it.

However, and I mean this nicely - you didn't have to spend 4 days alone. Why didn't you arrange to see other family/friends? Teenagers are not there to entertain you and they are also not partner substitutes. Yes it would be nice to spend some time with them but you just said yourself that if they were all playing in the living room, you would leave the room and hide in your bedroom.

Next year, don't make any effort and organise to spend it with other people. Leave them some pizza in the fridge and go off and enjoy yourself.

I'd be off out if that happened to me. If they cba to show common courtesy and manners, then I'd leave them to it and disappear off to a friend's, or the pub, or shopping, or basically anywhere else. Leave 'em to it. They're old enough, they can fend for themselves.

If their Dad walked out just before Christmas, then that must have been crap for them and 12-15, as they was then, is a really difficult development stage.

""Book a remote cottage / youth hostel next year make sure no tv, ps4 but board games. Don't tell them""

They will all be young men, they should be consulted on how they want to spend their time.

OP, I'm widowed, my youngest is 18, it's really struck me how I'm making my life about my GD.

It's not for everyone but I've joined in line dating, I'm looking at voluntary work, because it's so difficult to make friends as you get older.

You've got to build a life for yourself and not expect your Sons to provide it.

I'm close to my girls, now, but had some horrendous times during the teen years.

Me and my youngest share a love of Horror films, but she's wanted to stay up late on her laptop, so we've only watched one up to now.

She's a young adult, off collage, so it's about mutual respect.

Plan your Christmas next year and don't rely on others.

Do they blame you for their Dad leaving? Are they punishing you because the first Christmas he left must have been shit, so they're making all the other CHristmases shit as well?

It does sound horrendous, as though they've taken leave of all manners. Who doesn't come down for Christmas dinner, ffs? Would it be possible next year for Disney Dad to have all of them and for you to book a nice holiday abroad?

Why were your sons insulting you? What was it in response to? (Not in any way blaming you.) It sounds as though you've done everything for them and they really don't appreciate it - maybe it's time to do less?

Also stop "trying to make them happy", they are now adults and only they can do that.

Not eating Christmas lunch with you is very rude and indicates deeper issues, would you agree?, when and where did they eat?

It is really hard for you crepey. Is there any way you can plan a day out soon, without them, to get some perspective and peace and valuable me-time

I presume they came down for dinner at some point?

What's it like normally? Hopefully you have a job, interests, and friends? If not, perhaps they feel a bit suffocated and are demonstrating that by being unkind to you at Christmas (which can be a fraught time). Swerving Christmas lunch and being nasty is not normal teen behaviour - I think you're being punished for something. What do they insult you about - this may be a clue.

You need to make plans with friends, go out sale shopping, go to the theatre. I think you must have done a bloody good job for your 3 dc to get on so well. you need to accept they aren't going to put your needs first at the moment so you need to

It is worse when all 3 of them are together. They gang up on me. For example pointing out that one child has not done the jobs they are paid for means all three call me a "bitch".

One son has lots of money but could not bother to get me a present. I pointed out that is not really very nice but get more insults.

I just can't continue to put on a happy face when they cook meals for each other and leave me out.

I don't think it is fair that the parent left behind gets all this rubbish meanwhile their father calls them on Christmas day and promises them money and he gets treated like a god.