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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should have had lunch

153 replies

Cutecat78 · 27/12/2015 19:36

Drove a 5 hour round trip today to collect DSDs.

Collected them at 2pm, we were a little late as the traffic was horrendous.

Turns out they hadn't had lunch. OH texted her to say how come they haven't eaten, she said most parents provide snacks for the car (I do provide a meal first and then a packed lunch for the journey when they leave from here), we pointed out we won't be home till at least 5 as I am driving and not unable to cook at the same time so dinner will not be at 5 as we arrive home!!

AIBU to think she should feed them lunch before they leave?

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 28/12/2015 06:43

OP she definitely should have fed them. At the very least (if there was a genuine reason) told you she hadn't.

Not sure why on MN there is an expectation to LTB because he's been banned.

No one said you should ltb because he has been banned. But he is taking the piss out of you.

You said you direct your anger at him every single day. It's a shit relationship if you are angry at him everyday.

I can't see where you have answers why he lives so far from his kids, was it his choice?

Dh is a chef and I have lived with him since I was 18. He does all out cooking. I rarely cook. I don't enjoy it and he does. However if he was doing a five hour round trip and can put a warm meal together. It maybe be basic, but it's warm and filling. He is a grown man. My dad learnt to cook when he retired at 64. Before that he worked shifts and mum was a sahp and she did it all (she didn't like anyone using 'her' kitchen back in the day).

He got banned. I believe it was speeding....which means it happened over a long period. His ex may not drive, but he knew that when he was accumulating points in his license. He knew if he lost his license it would be difficult to get to his kids.

I am not saying his ex was right. But the person taking the piss out of you is him. And it's a crap relationship if you at angry everyday.

Janeymoo50 · 28/12/2015 07:39

All depends when they got up and had breakfast (plus you were late). You kind of lost my sympathy with the vitriolic comment about "her kids". Any corner shop would have sold two bags of walkers and a packet of biscuits for under £2. I smell a huge back story of resentment and battles, how sad.

redcaryellowcar · 28/12/2015 08:10

Whilst I personally think the mother should have fed the children and perhaps even sent them with a snack for the car, ( I would have donr so in similar circumstances) I think this is probably more about your relationship with their mother than the food. I was a step daughter to a 'wicked' step mother and remember vividly battles between my lovely mum and slightly less lovely step mum, please for the sake of your step daughters don't make a big thing out of this, if they are anything like me, it's stressful enough that you have to travel about to be with your family, let alone know you are at war over a sandwich.

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2015 08:46

Losing his licence was a stupid thing to do. As he cannot drive for the time being and the op needs to do these long journeys he needs to learn to pull his weight. The military is no excuse for a grown man not being able to feed his family. What happens if the op is not there at mealtimes or goes away for a weekend?

VintageDresses · 28/12/2015 09:16

What does your ex, the children's father have to say about all this?

He cant drive, he can't cook. Can he use the telephone and discuss meal time arrangements with them or their mother?

I agree, as their mother, I would have fed them, but as their father (or step mother or random friend/relative) collecting for a long journey I would have checked in advance what they were doing for lunch. If I knew I couldn't afford to stop for snacks I would have taken something with me.

I never left home without fruit or biscuits and water for about 15 Years, as I couldn't "waste" money buying thing out.

Sounds to me like you're all as bad as each other, looking for ways to make horrible treatment of the children the other side's fault.

VintageDresses · 28/12/2015 09:32

Oops, you Dp.....

AyeAmarok · 28/12/2015 09:42

What Worra said.

This man is just useless and you're expectations of him seem to be zero, yet you expect other people (eg you and your DP's ex) to all jump to pick up his slack?

Okay, so she could have given them lunch. But they were probably up later, or had breakfast later, or been eating crap from selection boxes all morning. Or maybe she had plans that you messed up by being late. Maybe she thought the absolute least their father, who sees them only a few days a month, could do was to bloody feed his own children. Since she does everything else?

Or maybe she's just absolutely fed up with their father being a useless sack of shit and she's not doing him (and by extension, you) any favours.

And if your DP could afford takeaway last night for 8(?) people, then you could afford to stop at a service station to get his kids a snack.

PS, I hope you teach your 18 year old to cook. They should be able to make their own warm dinner.

FarrowAndBallache · 28/12/2015 10:07

Stop enabling his lack of culinary skills.

DoreenLethal · 28/12/2015 10:11

I have to say though OP - and this is from a stepmother - stop enabling ALL of this useless shit. You are running around whilst everyone around you is taking the piss.

Stop doing it and let the other adults start taking some responsibility for things. That includes any adult children.

Blu · 28/12/2015 10:12

OP, I am not surprised you feel exhausted and put upon.
The exW should have fed them lunch, or to be helpful said 'they had a late breakfast, do you want to take some leftover pork pie for them in the car?'
Your DH should have packed up something to take in the car, too. What did the two of you have for
Lunch? On long journeys and especially at this time of year long delays are likely and you need to be equipped.
I see your DH bought a takeaway even though money is so tight.
More joint planning, more getting him to think ahead and take responsibility: teach him to make some basic meals. God help us all
If our defence forces are unable to make an omelette or spag bol. Or plan for delays and pack a Tupperware of cheese sandwiches.

The children's parents are both picked in passive aggressive game playing (or else careless, or incompetent). The only one you can influence is your DH.

You are being very supportive of him, and could do with a bit of support yourself.

LyndaNotLinda · 28/12/2015 10:47

The children's parents are both picked in passive aggressive game playing (or else careless, or incompetent). The only one you can influence is your DH.

This ^ In spades. You're being piggy in the middle. Don't be. Yes, their mum should have fed the kids but you can't do anything about her. But you can stop enabling him by making excuses.

They're both treating you like an absolute mug.

Buttons23 · 28/12/2015 11:08

So the ex is a absulutely cow if not feeding the children lunch but your partner can't even give his children one meal, broke the law and got banned from driving leaving you to do it all and that's fine??

Seriously yes perhaps the ex could have given the children lunch(sometimes though it does happen) but you need to be directing your anger at your partner and stop making excuses for him!

PagesOfABook · 28/12/2015 11:23

You could have just stopped at a petrol station and got them some bananas or something

I don't think it's a big deal at all.

FarrowAndBallache · 28/12/2015 11:43

Agree. A banana each or a packet of crisps wouldn't have broke the bank. Unfair to take it out on the children for their parents fuck ups.

SatsukiKusakabe · 28/12/2015 11:51

OP isn't asking for tips on what snacks to get, or what she should have done. She hasn't said she didn't feed them.

She was asking whether it was reasonable to expect they'd been fed by 2, and considering they had a long drive, or to have been told they would have to feed them.

All the posts saying 'banana, sausage roll, crisps, easy.' are pointless. The question wasn't how easy is it to feed children, the question was would you expect children to have been fed if you were picking them at 2.

FarrowAndBallache · 28/12/2015 11:59

They hadn't been fed. Not the OP's fault but she could have fed them a snack on the way home knowing they wouldn't be eating till after 5pm instead of punishing them for their parents failings.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/12/2015 12:06

How were the children "punished"? Confused

OP posts:
FarrowAndBallache · 28/12/2015 12:11

You knew they'd be hungry and didn't stop to feed them.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 28/12/2015 12:15

When have I said I didn't?

OP posts:
FarrowAndBallache · 28/12/2015 12:18

Your second post indicates that you didn't stop to buy a snack because you're skint and that you didn't expect to be stopping for over priced sandwiches.

DoreenLethal · 28/12/2015 12:55

The second post corrected a line of the first post, and the third post says she didn't say they didn't stop.

BadLad · 28/12/2015 13:38

You sound like you do a lot for your step-children, OP.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to expect them to have been fed before they left

MissDuke · 28/12/2015 14:31

Op I don't think you have done anything wrong here and can understand why you were annoyed. However did the children definitely have no lunch? Sometimes we have a late morning 'brunch' in the holidays and the children then later claim that they had no lunch! Mine always seem to 'need' food and drinks the second that they get in the car too Hmm I think you would need to know for certain when they had actually last eaten before you can really blame the mother.

Your oh had the money to buy an impromptu take away that evening so he actually could have instead done then earlier in the day while you were travelling and then just served a light supper at home later so I am not sure really what the big problem is to be honest. He sounds like a complete nightmare to me, sorry. He really needs to be contributing more and the 'forces lifestyle' is no excuse - anyone can learn how to throw together a simple meal. He has a very easy time of things while you do everything - sorry op but I really think that you are directing your anger at the wrong person here.

At the end of the day, the children are the important thing here - if they were genuinely hungry then you should have nipped into a shop, at least for a packet of crackers (big packs always cheap after Christmas!) and some water, to tide them over. Then forgotten all about this and just enjoyed time with them.

Homeoteleuton · 28/12/2015 14:50

She should have fed them lunch. No two ways about it.

However, I've read your other threads OP and I don't understand why you enable your partner's uselessness.

What would happen if one contact weekend you had your own plans that meant you couldn't drive? Or what if you were ill and bedridden? Or had to work?

If you weren't there, bending over backwards to drive 5 hour round trips every day - what would your DP and his ex do?

Homeoteleuton · 28/12/2015 14:50

*every other weekend, not every day!