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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should have had lunch

153 replies

Cutecat78 · 27/12/2015 19:36

Drove a 5 hour round trip today to collect DSDs.

Collected them at 2pm, we were a little late as the traffic was horrendous.

Turns out they hadn't had lunch. OH texted her to say how come they haven't eaten, she said most parents provide snacks for the car (I do provide a meal first and then a packed lunch for the journey when they leave from here), we pointed out we won't be home till at least 5 as I am driving and not unable to cook at the same time so dinner will not be at 5 as we arrive home!!

AIBU to think she should feed them lunch before they leave?

OP posts:
TTTatty · 27/12/2015 22:17

You are having the micky taken out of you and I would just stop. The two adults you do the driving for should be grateful and not make your life more difficult. Yes the mum should be grateful as well as your dp as it is not your fault the dad can't drive and she should want the children to have a relationship with both of their parents.

I tend to stop doing things for people
If they are not grateful - I suggest you do the same!

Griphook · 27/12/2015 22:21

If you dp got banned from driving, I don't think that necessarily means you need to pick up the slack.
Was your dp not able to have dinner waiting for them at home? Or could he not have got the train to collect them?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2015 22:24

Well I think she was totally in the wrong.

Fine to feed your own kids late if you're controlling the day but not feeding them knowing theyre going to arrive somewhere at 5 and the person driving them then has to cook is very, very rude. And just fucking unnecessary.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 22:26

The person driving them does not have to cook.

The person driving them is living with the kids' father...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/12/2015 22:26

We never do service stations for food. A quick google gives you a supermarket adjacent to a motorway junction.

ohtheholidays · 27/12/2015 22:29

Of course she should have done and your right if you have to stop of at a service station it can end up costing you a small fortune in those places.

It must be a right pain in the arse for you though OP as well being the only one that can fetch and drop the children off and I agree with you about they should both need to help with the cost of the travel.

If it was me I'd be consulting a solicitor to see if there's anything you can do about the travel arrangements being a bit more evenly split.It might be worth contacting somewhere like the CSA or the Citizens advice they have they're own lawyers usually and they're help is free.

TimeToMuskUp · 27/12/2015 22:30

We've had times where we've been up late for one reason or another and time has got away with me and I've only realised once DS1 has gone off with his Dad that he's not had lunch yet (he's 10, so capable of telling someone/asking for food). I'm just a bit shit about that stuff at weekends because they're off horse riding, footballing and at all sorts of parties and rugby training, and occasionally will text his Dad saying "he's not had lunch yet, sorry" so he'll just make sure he has a snack and a drink as soon as they arrive at home. It's surely not a big deal?

The fact that you're driving a 5 hour round trip to collect your DP's DCs is the part I find a little unreasonable; can their Mum not meet you half way using public transport? Surely both parents should contribute towards travel?

Ragwort · 27/12/2015 22:31

Either way the kids won't die of starvation during a couple of hours in the car.

^^ Obviously it's not an ideal situation but were the children really hungry or just bored and wanting a snack?

I don't think it is fair (on the children) to say that you should stop doing things for the children - you have set up home with their father, presumably you knew he had children before you met? Hmm.

Imagine a round trip by train at this time of year to collect the children - totally unrealistic.

I feel desperately sad for the children, none of the adults in this situation seems to be putting them first. Sad.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/12/2015 22:31

I don't know why you're facilitating this - the parents sound more childish than the kids. It's up to your oh to sort out the transport of his ex won't, he got himself banned (I presume) so the response is 'oh, how are you going to get the kids now?'

Step right back and let the 'adults' sort out their children

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 22:33

I think the OP is the only one putting them first but she's being taken for a mug by her DP.

No way in the world should she have to cook after driving 5 hours to pick his kids up, and no way should she have to do them a packed lunch when she drives them home.

He might be on a driving ban, but he's presumably got two working hands.

waitingimpatient · 27/12/2015 22:34

Who moved away? You and your dp or your dps ex?

I ask because if the ex was the one who moved away you should not have to do any of the driving etc. she should travel/bring the dcs to you
My db and his wife moved 3 hours away from her ex and as they moved the judge said it is standard for them to have to do all the travelling as they chose to go so far

Might this apply in your case OP?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/12/2015 22:35

I don't think I am a selfish adult in this situation Sad

I am doing my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/12/2015 22:37

CSA only takes travel off when the kids are in the car - I know this (do advance search as a pp suggested). I lost my child tax credits because we apparently lived together either though we didn't- and yes train travel this time of year is a fucking mare.

OP posts:
Griphook · 27/12/2015 22:45

Could you do not have dinner ready for then for when they got home?

FarrowAndBallache · 27/12/2015 22:53

Why didn't your OH have dinner ready?

AnthonyPandy · 27/12/2015 22:54

Why does your partner/their dad not cook for when they get home?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2015 22:55

Dammit Worra, my sentence was long enough without going into the details of who would actually cook the meal Grin

Obviously it applies to the passenger in the car too. Either way the adults in the car still had to cook once they arrived.

Lobatri · 27/12/2015 22:55

OP you know she is totally bu no matter what anyone else says if they were my own then I would make sure they had food before (if not hungry then definately pack them iff with something) and for during the long drive i would also want to make sure you were rested and had at least hydrated with all that driving after all you are driving with very precious cargo. Poor kids. In these circumstances i would just make sure the kids were kept happy fed and felt loved by me if not by anyone else.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2015 23:11

You were late so they probably thought you'd give them lunch. Or maybe they weren't hungry when they were picked up because of what they'd eaten over Christmas. I don't think it's a big deal to get a sandwich and a drink for children. You shouldn't make them feel they are a burden. You've got a bad attitude with this they're not my children. And her children and my children. Sorry but I think it's dreadful.

MidniteScribbler · 27/12/2015 23:15

Yes OH is banned but I feel sorry for him having to spend 2 days travelling to see his kids for 4 days between Xmas and new year.

Poor diddums. Perhaps he shouldn't have broken the law and now expect everyone to run around because of his fuck up.

I am the only person out of 4 people who can drive and there is a lot of pressure on me and no thanks for anyone just expectation I did the trip last Sunday, today and will repeat on Thurs and my back is so so sore

So why is all your venom directed towards the mother of the child? Your OH could have come with you, he could have had food prepared at home. HE should be the one thanking you. If he hadn't broken the law, then he could be the one running around after his own children and looking after them.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 23:16

The OP couldn't afford to buy a sandwich and a drink for the children.

Presumably they ate at some point during the day before the car journey. I'm quite sure they're not going to waste away during the couple of hours they're in the car...

AyeAmarok · 27/12/2015 23:35

OP, you're misdirecting your anger here.

Look a bit closer to home for the cause of the problem.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 27/12/2015 23:38

Do people really think I someone would be that much of a doormat that I don't direct my anger at him every single day?

I am trying my best to make everything as smooth for the (their) kids as possible rather than waiting around in a train station for hours over Xmas.

I just think maybe their mum might also think that way.

OP posts:
amarmai · 27/12/2015 23:39

wonder how much longer you will be picking up the slack for this man ,op?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 23:40

Maybe their Mum thinks their Dad should get off his lazy arse and knock a bit of food together for his kids?