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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:

DotForShort · 26/12/2015 23:56

I think it was very unkind of your mother to make such a blatant distinction between the children. Of course the 10-year-old was hurt to see her younger siblings receive more presents. She's ten years old, she has been part of this blended family for at least six years. It must be difficult enough for her to cope with the usual emotions about being part of a blended family, e.g. she may feel some sadness that her siblings get to live with their father all the time whereas she sees him only every other weekend. To reinforce her status as the odd one out just seems so thoughtless and unkind.

SenecaFalls · 26/12/2015 23:57

OP, why not go in the opposite direction and try to encourage your DSD and your DM to get to know each other better? Would they be open to that? It seems preferable than feeling the need to keep them separate.

counthedays · 26/12/2015 23:58

There is no way on this earth I would tolerate my children and step children sitting in my house being given different amounts / value of presents. It might be that their other family gives them more but that's a far more reasonable act than allowing them to be treated differently in your home. I've been a step child and believe me, my step siblings bringing piles home from their other parents home was FAR less of a big deal than opening a smaller pile or getting lesser gifts when we were all opening stuff together.

Thank goodness my parent and step parent decided from the off that when they married we would all be treated completely equally regardless of what happened in our other families. They've stuck to that for over 30 years and they insisted that aunts and grandparents did the same and IMO that's the only way.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 00:01

I am glad you will handle it differently next year, but you wouldn't have to, if your mother didn't think it's OK to give gifts that tell your dsd that she loves her less than her step-siblings.

bodenbiscuit · 27/12/2015 00:02

OP, why post on here if you are not going to accept the advice you have been given?

I think it was mean spirited of your mum to treat dsd differently whether she knows her well or not. This is a 10 year old child - you are not being fair to her.

catkind · 27/12/2015 00:04

How does this pan out as the children get older? OP's DC get a bike from parents, step-DC get a bike from dad and an i-pad from mum? Twice as much, every birthday and Christmas? Do kids accept that as fair? Twice the holidays is surely unavoidable. Do they get twice the pocket money/allowance too? Twice the help on uni fees, twice the help with a house deposit?

Genuine question, haven't been in that situation, it just feels like resentment would build up. Is that the payoff for having to deal with your parents separating?

Nottodaythankyouorever · 27/12/2015 00:08

OP, why post on here if you are not going to accept the advice you have been given?

TBF to the OP there has been a lot of different advice.

Original poster

LookingForwardto2016 · 27/12/2015 00:10

OP, why post on here if you are not going to accept the advice you have been given?

I have

OP posts:

incywincybitofa · 27/12/2015 00:13

Your mum can buy what she likes and spend what she likes, but you and your DH are responsible for the emotional health of your DSD. Screw ups happen sometimes, of course they do, but in your shoes I would ask your mum to maybe add the extra toys to the Santa pile she still sees the joy in receipt of them, and give the money discreetly to you to be spent afterwards.
She can then still finance the relationship as she likes, but your DSD feels a bit more included.

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 00:19

how can some people talk about TWICE AS MUCH?
i dont see anything been given twice in life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/12/2015 00:22

If this thread is anything to go by then yes, and it's just tough shit to any other children in the immediate family.

In RL I have only known 2 people who have this (to me) very unfair idea of how things should work they and their now adult children have little to no meaningful relationship, the first kids ended up as vile selfish adults and the second lot of kids went NC with the whole lot of them as soon as they were able to get away.

merrymouse · 27/12/2015 00:22

How many grandparents does one child need? The DSd has (presumably) her own grand parents, the OP's father and his family, step grand parents via her mother's partner and the OP's mum.

Is she really supposed to feel neglected if she doesn't have the same relationship with all of them?

catkind · 27/12/2015 00:23

peppielillyan, how is it not twice as many presents if the DC have to get the same presents in each home but some DC have two homes and some have one?

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 00:28

nobody is asking for the same presents. i am talking about being a responsible adult.
How a 10yr old will get same present as a toddler?
the others got toys, pjs, colourings, chocolates, and money
poor thing got colouring and chocolates for gods sake.... could have got a necklace from M&S, a backpack, a scarf, nothing that costs thousands....

JoelyB · 27/12/2015 00:41

YABU
She's a kid, and she feels left out.
How can your mum not know her really if you and dp have 3 dc together?
It's not fair to make her feel like the odd one out on Christmas Day.
For me, the way to go was to get the 10yo something totally different, so as not to stress the 'missing' bits.
Cheap stuff from Superdrug would have done, a facepack and some nail varnish or lippy to make her feel grown up.

catkind · 27/12/2015 01:10

peppielillyan, I don't know any children or many adults that don't like chocolate, and OP says this 10 yr old does like colouring. Nothing wrong with that as a present. OP didn't say they weren't given wax crayons and the Postman Pat Christmas Colouring book! I'd rather like to be given chocolate and colouring things myself

But yes, if you read through lots of posters have said they should get same amount/value to open, that's what I was querying.

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 01:17

nothing wrong with that as a present, but looks miserable on the background of the other presents.
that is why some of the posters incl me see this as treating them differently

VaticanAssassin · 27/12/2015 01:42

All of you that are saying the dsd should be treated exactly the same can you not see that if the gp gave the same to all the children, the dsd would end up with MORE than the non sdc?

Exactly.

We treat all of our children the same, and hope they (3DCs and 1 DsS), know this. They are all equally loved.

All this, it must be totally equal gets on my nerves. "Every child must have the same amount of presents and experiences". Does this right actually extend to DCs who live at home with both parents too?

For example, next year, DsS is going to Florida with his DM, Stepdad and their family. We have booked a week in France.
Should we now uninvite DsS? Because in the name of being equal, why should one child get 2 summer holidays while the other three only get one?

JessicasRabbit · 27/12/2015 02:10

I think it's that the child needs to be treated (roughly) the same as their siblings by the parent / family. I'm a step child, and was always treated equally by my mum and step dad. It meant I got more at birthdays and Christmas, but my half siblings don't care about that (or at least they say they don't). They don't care about the extra presents I get from my dad, any more than they care that their friends have bigger families that we do so get more gifts from aunts and uncles.

I guess I was brought up to think that gifts were really about the relationship between two people. So it doesn't matter that my niece gets loads for Christmas, the gift I choose to give is personal to me and my relationship with her. If it was just about how many gifts a child receives then I'd never get her anything cos she gets more stuff that can it in a normal sized house. I'd never in a million years buy her less than my nephew who I know far better and gets less as he has a smaller family, because we open gifts together on Christmas Day and that would be too mean to even contemplate. But then again, I love them equally and simply hate the idea of a child feeling left out at Christmas.

redskirt3 · 27/12/2015 03:08

I think your mother was being very thoughtful. I also think it was fine to open presents there and then, so that DM could see them open them. One of the adults should have helped DSD understand the situation by explaining that she had other grandparents who she will get presents from that her siblings won't.

With regard to your plan to see DM without DSD next time, I don't think that's fair on DSD either - it means that she's missing out on time with a woman who is part of her step family and who cares about her - much better to just teach her that presents aren't the be-all and end-all of life.

leopardgecko · 27/12/2015 03:35

I am a foster carer. I used to be so glad and grateful that any family buying presents for my own children, would also buy a similar size gift for the foster children. I never asked for them to do this, it just occurred naturally that all children were treated equally. With the children themselves, my children also buy for the foster children the same as their own siblings. The same happened this Christmas.

However the three foster children I have at the moment, also received presents from their own parents, grandparents, and their own extended families, and the extras provided by social services. So on Christmas day I estimate that the foster children received over double, maybe even triple, the gifts that my children did, and actually larger and more expensive gifts that my family would not have been able to afford. And as the difference was so striking, so for the first time it was glaring obvious that the foster children got more.

So, in the past I would have disagreed with the OP's mum, this Christmas has me thinking that she was absolutely right to include the little girl, but was justified in giving her own grandchildren a little more. Especially as the little girl would no doubt get many gifts from her mum's family that the OP's children may not.

There's no real easy answer except to say in trying to be fair and equal to the the little girl, in some ways can make it unfair and unequal to the others.

charlestonchaplin · 27/12/2015 04:19

redskirt3: One of the adults should have helped DSD understand the situation by explaining that she had other grandparents who she will get presents from that her siblings won't.

A common-sense solution, though it's amazing how many are unable to engage their brains in order to act differently from the herd. The child should have this explained to her long before she reaches the age of ten so she doesn't become greedy and entitled. A three year old probably wouldn't have the capacity to understand, but they probably wouldn't notice the discrepancy or take it to heart, but a few years older and it can be explained to them.

I suspect mumsnet is full of divorced mothers who fear for the well being of their darling children leading to this overriding demand that stepchildren be treated 'more equally' than others. If you have broken up your child's family, or failed to prevent it being broken up, do not expect the world and their auntie's dog to make up for your failings. It is the parents' job to ensure their child's emotional well being, why not parent and explain to your child the complexities of family relationships rather than expecting every one else to step into the breach in the way that you dictate.

When exactly is the child expected to consider that they have all these extra family who give them presents but not their half-siblings, when? Because when they come to expect a certain situation, it becomes very hard to change things. I would say that rather than seeing the situation in a matter-of-fact fashion, this 'treat everyone equally' stance only serves to create a sense of injustice in these children because they are constantly looking for inequality as evidence that they are not truly loved. Because they are not the same as their half-siblings, and cannot always be treated the same, they will eventually find the 'evidence' they are looking for.

SeoulSista · 27/12/2015 04:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squiff85 · 27/12/2015 05:37

For the sake of some cheap PJS, I think your partners daughter should have got the same. She probably feels the odd one out anyway and this won't help.

MangosteenSoda · 27/12/2015 06:06

I agree with the OP. Not unfair, but poorly handled.

Would have been better if GM had bought something a bit different for DSD, so a more grown up gift, or if OP or the father could have arranged a gift to her taste. I think at 10 children understand that older kid gifts tend to be smaller or different, but that's ok if you know it's something she'd enjoy. It's more the issue of having the exact same as the little ones, but less.

Even better if gifts can be delivered in advance so they form part of the general pile, not have a separate gift opening. If DSD still commented at that point, a quick explanation that those are gifts from siblings' granny, just like she has special gifts from her grannies. 10 is old enough to understand the special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, especially as she has two of her own who both sound involved. The key is not making a big deal of the opening. And the money should have been given discreetly.

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